Heartbroken…….but I Can’T Stay Friends With Someone So Prejudiced

[GymLadTim]

I have a best friend called Kelly – we met at school and have been close for about 6 years. We have been through so much together and have stayed close despite the ups and downs. Kelly is caring, funny and fantastic company. I thought we would remain close until the day we died – well I did until last Saturday. Now I am questioning if I even want to ever see or speak to that little monster again.

I always thought Kelly was a woke young woman who would fight against prejudice. She was the first one to condemn any racism or unfairness of any kind. But on Saturday night after a few drinks she let it slip that she would not date a man who had a vagina.

I froze and asked her to repeat herself. Kelly knows perfectly well that the fight against genital preference is something I take seriously – I thought we both did. This attitude is transphobic and not accepting of the transgender community. Genital preference is rooted in discrimination and excludes trans men who may not for whatever reason want to go through surgery or who have not yet transitioned. THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TO IDENTIFY AS WHO THEY REALLY ARE NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE!!

I asked Kelly speaking very slowly if you met a man who was absolutely perfect in every way and loved you completely would you leave him because of genital preference. She said “yes” and I just walked away from her. Why should a transgender man have to disclose the genitals they have at the start of a relationship – no one else has to talk about their genitals on the first date. This is discrimination.

Now I am just totally reconsidering if I want any relationship with Kelly and it kills me to type that I mean she was my rock. Maybe the whole woke thing was just to be trendy and not because she really cares. She called me this morning and doubled down on not being attracted to vaginas – she said “ether you accept it or you don’t”. I calmly said to her “Kelly you don’t love men you love cis men and you love the very privilege that puts you on a pedestal. Now go away you nasty little monster”.

This situation is really devastating to me because remember this is my best friend. I would never want to be friends with a racist, a homophobe or a sexist. I mean I would speak with them because I feel dialogue is always needed to turn misguided people around but I wouldn’t want to be best friends with them or anything until they had renounced their views. In fact I do speak with a few racists and sexists I’m not scared to swap ideas with anyone.

Sorry for ranting, not really a question at all just needed to get this off my chest.

Broken

[tonyav]

Thanks, pixie.

[jennyjoan]

I can't work it out - sorry, you either have a vagina or a penis.

[Prudie]

I think it means Tony a person born as a female who then wants to identify as a man but not go through surgery. The friend would not want to date that (quelle surprise)
I may be wrong - discussing sex and gender on here is like walking on eggshells.

[pixie374]

Yes... but it shouldn't be, prudie. Everyone already knows the truth. You should never have to lie to validate someone. Compassion, yes, but deceit is never helpful.

[tonyav]

Ah right, a woman that wears mens clothing.

[pixie374]

Don't we all... ;-).

[Ellipsis]

You can't dictate her or anyone else's sexual preferences. Kelly can be perfectly accepting of men with vaginas without fancying them, just as another woman can be accepting of men with penises without fancying them either. You are in the wrong, not her, Tim.

[pixie374]

"Men with vaginas"... please have a word with yourself, ellipsis x

[GymLadTim]

Pixie when you asked me why? are you asking me why I am against discrimination? Everyone should be + I have experienced feeling like an outsider myself so am easily triggered, and relate to others who are treated as outsiders.

In 2019 genital preference is totally unacceptable and anyone voicing it should be challenged - even if it is my bff. Okay I accept that for anyone over 50 they may have grown up in a very unpleasant era where men where men, women were women and trans people or others in the middle often killed themselves.

In 2019 we know that gender and sexually are fluid, we know sex and gender are different things, we know there over 300 genders and 600 sexualities. Kelly is 21 so there really is no excuse for her ignorance.

[NellieMay]

All she has said is that she would not want to date a man with a vagina. She has not shown prejudice. If she had said she wouldn't date a man who was fat, that wouldn't mean she was prejudiced against fat men, just that she personally wouldn't be attracted to them.

[sherrardk]

Are you saying that if you met a nice lady and hoped to have a sexual relationship with them and then she/he turned out to have a penis you’d just go with the flow?

[jim360]

Who someone is, or is not, attracted to is entirely a matter for them. It's a completely separate issue from the question of acceptance of people in all their infinite variety. You don't have to want to f*** them into the bargain.

[pixie374]

Absolutely not, Tim. You are far more prejudiced than I am. I am not 50... although I don't see what difference that makes. The truth has been the truth forever ,and always will be. Your friend is not a liar... she has some intelligence. It sounds good to me.
Sexuality and gender have always been fluid, yes. Sex has always been binary- and always will be. Maybe do some research and get a little education before you start judging her?

[jackthehat]

Ahhhhh......bless you GLT.
You keep on keeping on.....tilting at windmills.

I imagine Kelly will be quite pleased to not have to listen to any more of your earnest nonsense. I know I would.

[Old_Geezer]

She sounds normal to me. Why are you prejudiced against her simply because she's not a lesbian ?

[GymLadTim]

Well since you asked I am actually Bisexual and have chosen the very few partners I have had based on their human qualities such as kindness and compassion, on how well I personally connect with them, and on the values they embody.

To turn away a fantastic person because of their genitals is very sad and it marginalises parts of our community.

Anyway like I said I'm not looking for an argument or a debate and am actually feeling very hurt. Shame no one could show me any compassion or ask how I am or who is supporting me through this but it's a cold world I suppose.

Goodnight.

[jackthehat]

Why don't you ring Kelly up and tell her all about i.....

Oh, hang on...

[pixie374]

It is obvious that you are bisexual, Tim. But surely you can understand that not everyone is? If you are seriously getting rid of your "bff" because she is not bisexual... then she is obviously better off without such a bigoted, prejudiced acquaintance.

[jim360]

Being bisexual is part of who you are. Not everybody is. It stands to reason that if someone isn't bisexual -- which, in this context, presumably also refers to what genitalia they are attracted to -- then they shouldn't be somehow pressured into feeling bad about preferring one or the other.

The best support in this case is to stress the importance of accepting her position and views, and for that matter her sexuality. I don't think it's right to support in any other way; that would be to validate a position that has lost you a friend and will, I fear, lose you many more in the years to come.

And if that doesn't persuade you, how about this: maybe she wants to have and make children of her own with the person she falls in love with. Even with the best will in the world, the biological process rather forces her hand.

[Mozz71]

She isn't condemning anyone's gender preference, just saying its not for her. There are certain folk who I wouldn't date, it doesn't mean that I begrudge their life choices, in fact I completely support their choices to be who the want.

You need to look at the big picture. You can support a minority group without wanting to be part of it