Heartbroken…….but I Can’T Stay Friends With Someone So Prejudiced

[GymLadTim]

I have a best friend called Kelly – we met at school and have been close for about 6 years. We have been through so much together and have stayed close despite the ups and downs. Kelly is caring, funny and fantastic company. I thought we would remain close until the day we died – well I did until last Saturday. Now I am questioning if I even want to ever see or speak to that little monster again.

I always thought Kelly was a woke young woman who would fight against prejudice. She was the first one to condemn any racism or unfairness of any kind. But on Saturday night after a few drinks she let it slip that she would not date a man who had a vagina.

I froze and asked her to repeat herself. Kelly knows perfectly well that the fight against genital preference is something I take seriously – I thought we both did. This attitude is transphobic and not accepting of the transgender community. Genital preference is rooted in discrimination and excludes trans men who may not for whatever reason want to go through surgery or who have not yet transitioned. THESE PEOPLE DESERVE TO IDENTIFY AS WHO THEY REALLY ARE NOT WHO YOU WANT THEM TO BE!!

I asked Kelly speaking very slowly if you met a man who was absolutely perfect in every way and loved you completely would you leave him because of genital preference. She said “yes” and I just walked away from her. Why should a transgender man have to disclose the genitals they have at the start of a relationship – no one else has to talk about their genitals on the first date. This is discrimination.

Now I am just totally reconsidering if I want any relationship with Kelly and it kills me to type that I mean she was my rock. Maybe the whole woke thing was just to be trendy and not because she really cares. She called me this morning and doubled down on not being attracted to vaginas – she said “ether you accept it or you don’t”. I calmly said to her “Kelly you don’t love men you love cis men and you love the very privilege that puts you on a pedestal. Now go away you nasty little monster”.

This situation is really devastating to me because remember this is my best friend. I would never want to be friends with a racist, a homophobe or a sexist. I mean I would speak with them because I feel dialogue is always needed to turn misguided people around but I wouldn’t want to be best friends with them or anything until they had renounced their views. In fact I do speak with a few racists and sexists I’m not scared to swap ideas with anyone.

Sorry for ranting, not really a question at all just needed to get this off my chest.

Broken

[spathiphyllum]

You can be pro trans and not want to be with someone who is trans. That isn't discrediting trans people, it's just accepting something without having to be that thing.

I like jewish people doesn't mean I have to be jewish.

[GymLadTim]

One of my close friends is a transgender woman who has a penis. She was not allowed to go though the process of gender reassignment because her mental health was deemed too fragile. Why should these vulnerable members of our community be treated any differently to any other women?

[Bobbisox1]

I’ve read all the posts Tim and all the abbreviations go right over my head, but move on , Kelly has made her self clear ( I think) Good luck

[GymLadTim]

Bobbisox I am moving on - I don't need toxic people like Kelly in my life.

[spathiphyllum]

"Why should these vulnerable members of our community be treated any differently to any other women?"

Because they have a penis, so it's debatable if they are a man or a woman, depending on personal viewpoints.

[Bobbisox1]

Best way Tim, toxic people hold you back

[spathiphyllum]

Yeah but at the end of the day your friend shouldn't have to conform to your rather personal idologies simply because you threatern her with your friendship.

If she's not attracted to vaginas, then why should she wantto get with a man who has one?

incidentally... If she's not mentally attracted to the mind set of someone who doesn't want to be in their own body to the point they try to change it.. that's perfectly fine also. She doesn't have to be.


There is more to gender than penis or vagina, millions of hormones and social conditioning aspects also.

It's not black and white and i feel that's how you're seeing it.

[hereIam]

'toxic' because she wouldn't date a man with a vagina !! Bloody hell, stop the world, I want to get off ...

[ummmm]

I suspect, if this is true, Tim will end up with a very limited circle of friends, if any.

[GymLadTim]

No it most certainly is not debateable whether my friend is a female. If SHE identifies as a female everyone should respect who she wants to be.

[Prudie]

"what I do have a problem with is anyone who is cis exclusive because this is violence against transgender people"
This must be a wind-up. Clearly you had not shocked the forum to a satisfactory level so you added the above.

[wolf63]

I bet you are a joy to work with Tim. You are being a Drama Queen (if that is still an allowable phrase) about a friend not agreeing with you on everything.

You need to grow up and take a more pragmatic view upon life. Hissy fit are okay on five year olds but not on some of your age.

[Mozz71]

Sorry Tim, I think you are so high up on your pedestal that the thin air has affected your brain. You don't want to be friends with "racist, a homophobe or a sexist"? No, nor do I, and Kelly doesn't seem to be any of those things. She isn't denying their right to exist and to be who they are, she just doesn't find them attractive. Its not a prejudice, its just heterosexuality.

//“Kelly you don’t love men you love cis men and you love the very privilege that puts you on a pedestal. Now go away you nasty little monster”.//

I think that maybe Kelly's better off without fairweather friends like you in her life. You have no interest in her point of view, and you turn on anyone who doesn't live up to your perceived high standards. You will look back on this friendship one day and think, "Christ, I was such a dick to her."

[Bobbisox1]

Can someone please tell me what cis means ( asking for a friend you know) :0(

[dannyk13]

// "Christ, I was such a dick to her."//
lol.( in view of the content of the post)

[Mozz71]

//lol.( in view of the content of the post)//

LOL I didn't even twig that when I wrote it.

[Mozz71]

Bobbi, cis basically means you identify as the gender you were born to.

[jim360]

cis is the opposite of trans, and refers to people whose gender identity and biological sex are the same.

I think there's a lot of tying up in knots going on here (and I say this as a recognised expert on that front). Denying transgender people their rights in an equal society is clearly wrong. That has literally nothing to do with the question of whether or not I personally, or anybody else, would wish to pursue an individual romantic relationship with one.

Romantic attraction is fickle, and for some people it's also embedded in choices or hopes about their future life. If people decide that they only wish to date somebody with whom they can raise their own family, there is literally nothing wrong with that decision. Nothing at all. To alienate people who make that choice is judgemental, divisive, and clearly wrong.

Please, Tim, reflect more carefully on this. You are cutting yourself off from your friends and the only people who lose out on this are your friends, present and future, and most of all you.

[spathiphyllum]

"No it most certainly is not debateable whether my friend is a female. If SHE identifies as a female everyone should respect who she wants to be."

I identify as right in this debate.

could you respect that?

[woofgang]

"The heart wants what it wants"