Am I In The Wrong With How I've Treated My Stepkids?

[Selfishnoodles]

So this story is super long and convoluted but I'll try be as clear as I can.

I met my husband A in October 2010, he had two baby momma's with 3 kids between the. The mother of the youngest 2 kids is called J, she reckons they were back together when he met me - he says they weren't but nevertheless he started a relationship with myself. At this time their kids were 1 and 10 months old.

After being together a few months J sent me a *** message on FB saying that she knew he didn't want to see the kids but could he pay for them, I told her not to contact me again. Yeh he wasn't seeing them but she was refusing to let him bring me and he didn't want to go unless I could. Since she was being so unreasonable and insane and angry all the time we decided after a few months to make plans to move to Canada. As usual J was furious but we saved up and moved there in June 2011. She actually let him bring me to see them before we left and though we brought them back early we had a great day (they were 1 and 2 at that point).
We moved to Canada with the plan being to return every 3 months to see the kids but it didn't work out like that with work and us wanting our own family, so in December 2011 we started trying for a baby and our first child was born the following year.
One thing I need to be honest about, when A was with J he had a terrible cocaine problem and nearly died. She bullied him off it for a while but the truth is he never stopped and he would often abandon me and our kids to party all weekend as well. He lied to J about his drug use though and represented that he was no longer doing it, tbh he would brag to her about how amazing our life and love was and I appreciate that probably didn't help matters.
We returned to the UK a few times and he didn't see his kids with J due to being on sessions. She was again insanely angry and wouldn't shut up about it. Basically he went 6.5 years without seeing them until we returned to the UK (this was meant to be temporary but ended up being permanent) with our four kids. A continued to have drug issues and though she let him see the kids he would often mess it up resulting in her refusing access as of 18 months ago unless we go through court which we can't afford, and tbh don't want to do because she's just going to rehash the past.
My husband went into rehab 9 months ago and has been clean since but this is my 'am I the *** part'- I get why she's angry at HIM, but why is she so angry at ME?? He paid for them a few years after we went to Canada and hasn't missed a single payment, she's messaged me a LOT going mental because I don't send her kids birthday cards or anything and I've never reached out to her it's always her talking to me first etc. She's mad because I never told her about his drug use and she thinks she had a right to know she was handing her kids to an active drug addict but I KNOW for a FACT they were never in danger when with him IMO. She's mad I never sent cards or presents or asked after them, she's mad we had 4 more kids in the 6.5 years he didn't see theirs but that's not on me surely?? Surely I'm entitled to have my own children?? She says when I became their step mother I took on a moral obligation to put her kids first and she thinks I'm 'stupid and selfish' because I didn't look at how he treated her and didn't say or so anything or tell her anything and let him blame her and lie to her. Tbf though she is SOOOOOO angry. She reached out to me again and complained I never contact her, she complained I seem to have zero regard for her kids, she complains that I've lied and defended him to her but he's my HUSBAND what does she expect?? I stayed right out of it because it's not my responsibility to sort out access for other people's kids?? And I just thought they'd sort it out one day and I'd just see them then but my husband just ignores her when she offers access to the kids now- why is she so mad at ME???

[Selfishnoodles]

She's mad because I didn't tell her he was still doing drugs and didn't send her kids birthday cards etc

[LadyCG]

Does she send your kids birthday cards?

[Selfishnoodles]

No but she's arguing she's not their stepmother.

[bednobs]

What an absolute no hoper he sounds. So he didn't support or see his own children for at least a couple of years? What did they wear? What did they eat? Did they have shelter. I absolutely cannot comprehend not knowing where my young children were sleeping even for a night let alone years. I can't believe you let a drug addict father your children and then let him go pick up the others. Are you mental yourself? Addict?

[Selfishnoodles]

I'm not an addict no and tbh he's treated me poorly too but he's getting help now and thats all I can ask. I assumed he treated her so badly because she's always so angry and at the end of the day those kids weren't my responsibility so me moving abroad wasn't anything to do with her. Or me having kids. She's making out I'm stupid and selfish and haven't thought about her kids at all because I haven't 'done' anything but that's not true.

[Selfishnoodles]

It was 6.5 years he didn't see them we had our own 4 in that time though

[bednobs]

So what thought HAVE you given your step children? I'm not surprised you weren't allowed to come with him to see the children when your relationship was new. She knew nothing about you.

[bednobs]

So sod the old ones, I've got new ones now? I'm with Barry on this. I feel sorry for all the children

[Selfishnoodles]

I haven't given them anything, I just stayed out of it because they were arguing so much about him not seeing them. If he had started being involved I'd of seen them then

[bednobs]

But you said
" ...and haven't thought about her kids at all because I haven't 'done' anything but that's not true"
But then you say it is true you haven't thought about them

[barry1010]

Her children were babies when you chose to get involved with their dad. Did you encourage him to be a good dad to them or welcome the babies in your lives?
Were you ever prepared to acknowledge and accept that his children should be a big part of your lives and family?

[Selfishnoodles]

He wasn't seeing them? So how could I? He wouldn't see them unless she let him bring me and once she realised we were going to Canada without seeing them she let him bring me. We spent over 3 hours with them but he hadn't seen them for 9 months at that point, then he went 6.5 years. I don't see why I have to DO anything? If he brings them into the house obviously I'll treat them like part of the family but until he's sorted stuff I don't see what it has to do with me? Its not my responsibility to deal with this situation or other people's kids

[Selfishnoodles]

She says I should of reached out to her especially about his drug use and him abusing her by blaming her for him not seeing them when really he had his problem - but it's their problems to sort through

[barry1010]

You have certainly picked the right user name

[Selfishnoodles]

She says I'm selfish but realistically how??? I met a guy, we fell in love and moved abroad, how's it anything to do with me if he's a crappy dad now? She has asked me for answers and help but I can't give her that tbh she's doing my head in, saying her kids are crying all the time ok well what's that got to do with me? I can't do anything can I! I can't make him be a dad and he clearly doesn't want to be

[pixie374]

Definitely right user name. Poor kids.

[Selfishnoodles]

She needs to just stop being angry and let him have access on his own terms, he's in recovery he can't commit to anything she's just being difficult intentionally. She says he can't have access unless he commits to seeing them once a month and ringing them once a week, booting off coz he won't write to them, he didn't reply to their sons letter and she's booting off making demands about that too I'm sick of it

[barry1010]

Bet you jumped at the chance of moving him far away from his exes and children

[Selfishnoodles]

No I didn't she already lived 200 miles away it made no difference moving to Canada we never saw them anyway. He wanted a fresh start but it didn't mean he didn't love his kids or think about them! He has a drug problem he's a victim here too

[Selfishnoodles]

He's doing his best to get himself sorted out for his kids I can't ask more than that