Relationship trouble

[Champagne]

Well my weekend was blissful until Saturday night when my boyfriend of 9 months received a call from his ex-girlfriend. He was sitting right beside me at the time when his phone rang but he has taken her number out of his phone so didn't register her number when he answered, but unbeknown to him I could hear both sides of the conversation, and it went a little something like this (HIT IT!):-

Byatch: "Hello! It's me! Can you talk?"
Him: "Er�. Hello� umm� yeah of course I can�"
Byatch: "Okay, was just checking that your girlfriend wasn't there."
Him: *pauses* "�yeah, she's here. We're just watching a movie... er... how are you?"

At this point he gets up off the sofa and walks away, turning to me and saying, "It's just James." He continues to chat to his ex casually and when he looks back again I am staring at him, with one of those stares which says, "STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!". To cut a long story short I end up grabbing the phone and hanging up. She has the audacity to phone back so I tell her to get lost. Boyfriend and I row all night. He then stays up until 4am by himself getting drunk and the next morning I sneak out of the house (would have left the Saturday night but he prevented me from doing so).

I've now laid down an ultimatum: I have said that I do not want to hear from him again unless he sorts things out with his ex. I believe she is calling him for a reason. He needs give her closure and tell her not to call again.

I know for a fact that he doesn't want her and that he is very much in love with me, and as the feeling is mutual I am not going to throw everything away; there's far too much to lose. But how will I know for sure if he deals with his ex in the way he should? I know it boils down to trust, but this is the 2nd time in 9 months that his ex has called him so my faith in him is a little bit lacking at present.

[4getmenot]

Would you not let them be mates then? You've said that you trust him and surely not much can happen over a phone call. I am still mates with lots of my exes and would never let anyone tell me I cant speak to them. As I do not really know the whole story I would well understand if she has caused trouble between you two in the past then he should banish her and realise that he may lose you.

[rugeleyboy]

champagne.......

how long did he go out with her?

my wife hates the fact that i am very good friends with my old girlfriend!

this could of been a very innocent call about something silly,you will have to ask him in a non argumentetive way,but dont be judgemental,if you say your both commited to one another why should you care about the ex!!

[Champagne]

They're not friends, 4getmenot. He hasn't kept her as a mate and she only ever calls him when she's drunk. He has plent of female friends so that's not the issue.

[rugeleyboy]

so do you wants us to say he is knocking the back out of her behind your back!!

4getmenot,was answering the question you asked??

[rugeleyboy]

*want*

[redcrx]

If you know he doesnt want her then why not let him deal with her in his own way? 2 calls in 9 months is hardly harrassment. It may be that hes too nice to let her down gently or that he would like to keep some sort of friendship there. I am friends with almost all of my exes, some i hear from a couple of times a year, some my partner and i go out with often, including my ex husband.

I think that you are risking a lot by walking out and fighting over what seems to be a surprise call. It may all have been innocent on her part and she was checking if you were there in case you were upset.

You need to be able to trust him and at the moment it doesnt sound like you do at all.

[purpose]

I think that to grab the phone and hang up was definitely the wrong thing to do (although quite understandable!) and makes you look like Ms BunnyBoiler 2006.

However, as HE did not say something like: 'Listen, I'd rather you didn't call again, ok?' it is him who looks like Ms Bunny Boiler 2006 has a point.

The sad fact is that you will never know for sure how things are with them. He could give you all the right answers (change his number, speak with her while you were present etc) but those things could be purely for show - so many ways round them being the actual truth!

I appreciate that you don't want things to end - but unless you can trust him completely (and it is his issue, not the ex-gfs) there is no way you can be happy WITH him.

Very best wishes in whatever you decide to do :0)

[electricblue]

I can understand how you feel cos it is his ex at the end of the day,is he just wanting too avoid a scene with her?The prob with men champagne is that they don't realise that when they lie and you KNOW they're lying,,is worse,you knew it was her but he said it was his mate',maybe he's just a nice guy who doesn't want to be blunt with her,but the more she knows its getting to you,she may well get a kick out of it and this could make it worse between you and your bloke,tread carefully,!!

[kazzianne]

Hi Champage honey - I think he probably said that it was a mate because he knew how you would react if he said it was his ex - which you did do! And now he's unlikely to tell you should she call again.I understand that it annoys you,but surely you being so happy with him is all that you need to know.She only calls him when drunk - loads of people do that.

I would only worry if he goes out and you dont know where,or hides his mobile etc,things like that.

Give him a big hug later and tell him that you are worried she wants him back.

[peterd]

I hate to say this but my ex would have done exactly the same thing. She wanted me to cut off all ties with my ex which I did, but even the mention of her name sent her moody. The fact that he doesn't want her should be enough for you. Yes, you're right it comes down to trust.

[4getmenot]

Well then. If they are not friends that probably even less to worry about. redcrx is right 2 phone calls is nothing to worry about. She's just drunk and lonely and you arent, so dont let it get you down. Think what you have and she obviously hasnt :-)

[4getmenot]

Think yourself lucky. It was me that used to get the calls from my blokes ex and she was a very nasty bit of work saying she was having his baby and all sorts and then a day later she'd got rid of it. It seems like he's just being nice and also trying not to upset you by saying it was her on the phone. Believe me if anything is going on blokes always get found out in the end :-) Have trust in him. Hope all turns out ok. xx

[kazzianne]

And dont forget - he is with YOU not herso that says it all.So keep yourself the gorgeous wonderful girlfriend he wants,and try not to turn into Psycho Champers again!!

[Champagne]

Hmmm� I guess I did overreact. Thing is, he is an insanely person and I�ve told him that I am too. It�s just that he tends to react before I do so this was the first time he�d seen it in me. Also bear in mind that an ex of mine contacted me early on in our relationship and I asked him not to call again because I knew it would upset my boyfriend. I was angered on Saturday because when he saw me staring at him while he was on the phone he laughed. He handed the phone to his sister and dragged me away to talk to me. I was pretty calm at this point but he started slamming doors and shouting at me. I asked him to move out of my way to let me out of the room but he pinned me back and blocked the doorway. This is where the argument started.

The last time she had phoned we had a big row too. I�d gone to bed and he ended up taking a call from his ex and her best mate while I was asleep upstairs. I didn�t know this. But I woke up later in the night hearing voices. I went downstairs to find him naked in the living room on a phone $ex line!! I was pretty upset, and when we talked he blurted out that he�d been chatting to his ex earlier in the night and it was all a bit emotional. So I was pretty confused and I didn�t really get any sense out of him that night. Also bear in mind that an ex of mine contacted me early on in our relationship and I asked him not to call again because I knew it would upset my boyfriend.

I hate it when I react to situations like this. I know I should be bigger and better than that. I just hate being dragged into other people�s emotional dramas. I like my life simple!

So should I apologise and never raise the subject again?

[Champagne]

ROFL @ Kazzi!! You think I was psycho? You should've seen him throwing his toys out of his pram!! Hahahaha!

[electricblue]

If its all innocent then he won't mind you chatting to your ex will he?You should be able to talk to your ex with no worries,you've seen that your bloke cant see a problem with it so go be friendly with a clear conscience??

[purpose]

I think you should only apologise if you mean it. You should also qualify why you reacted the way you did.

I feel there is a lot more to this than at first meets the eye...

*I* would ONLY stay with him if the alternative was so bad that i couldn't stand being alone... the thought of not being able to trust someone would make me very unhappy indeed... and that does not make for a successful relationship!

And as a final point - i would make damn sure that he knew that any more iffy behaviour and he'd be gone for good. He needs to believe that you believe that, otherwise you will be repeating this over and over.

[kazzianne]

Okay Not-so-psycho-champers!! Well if it was me I would tell him that I may have over-reacted,but how would he if the roles were reversed.Then tell him that you were angry because you heard her speak yet he lied and told you it was this James.Ask why he lied.Say you know he doesnt want her.Do all this whilst looking as sexy and hot as possible!! Fultter your eyelashes.Lots of cleavage.Get the picture??

[maximo]

Wow. That makes it a bit different now...his reaction ( pinning you to the wall ), unless you got completely hysterical, was a tad violent, IMHO ! Also, what's that about him calling a sex line in the middle of the night after a call from his ex, and while you're asleep upstairs ?? I know I would have been pretty shocked ! You might have reacted a tad widly this time, but maybe you were justified...I think you two need to have a good long talk ! Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship, and all the more if you've been burned before. Good luck !

[Champagne]

Thanks for your advice people.

Maximo is right. I do need to have a long talk with him. Had the shoe been on the other foot I know he would have gone nuts. So fair is fair. Plus he knows I�m as patient as a Saint when it comes to his antics. He often pushes the boundaries in many other respects and I never bat an eyelid. He did get aggressive with me but as soon as I told him he was scaring me he backed off. He knows better than to throw his weight around with me.

I get the distinct impression that his ex is calling him because she stills has feelings for him (which can be expected after a 2 and a half year relationship). He can remain friends with her if he likes, so long as she knows not to cross that line, which only he can make clear... IF he wants to.