Manners

[zimzam]

I'll apologise if this is under the wrong sub topic of a topic but I simply don't know where else to put it.......

I don't want to start a war between people or nations right now but I would like to ask the American members here whether it is normal when they ask for anything (in a shop or pub) to add a "please" and "thank you" or whether it depends in the area of the States that you grew up whereby some things are common nature and some are not.

I had an American visitor over here recently. To me and out in public she never said please or thank you once....I know while out in public I saw a few eyebrows raised and I am wondering if it is the normal way that Americans carry on or whether I am basing it on how I was brought up and expect to find manners in others. For example I might say, "Two G&T's please" and give the money, receive the change and as I receive it say "thank you" yet my friend simply stated "Two G&T's" and that was it!

Going out and about I would have expected comments like "what a great day, thanks" or "I'm enjoying myself" or whatever and not the silence I got, though I know she enjoyed herself.....so my question is whether I can consider my friend thoughtless or rude or whether its simply how Americans or Americans born in certain States of the country are brought up and therefore know no better, yet as a Brit would automatically expect to hear and recieve. I personally don't think Americans are rude but I wonder if some are or whether they don't have the politeness that we Brits learn from infancy and expect to give and receive.

[raysparx1]

I have visited the USA seven times,and never had a problem,I have allways found them very polite and courteous,in fact some of the people that work in shops and Restaurants here could do with going out there to learn some manners, Ray

[MiniN]

I also agree that Americans working in the service industry are super polite. Yet I have noticed what you're talking about zimzam when Americans visit over here.

I just put it down to culturally differences. but i dont think all americans are the same as us Brits are not all equally polite.

x

[redcrx]

my sister-in-law is american and i have always found her top be very polite, sometimes over-polite if theres such a thing. Likewise with staff in local restaurants who are american, they are always eager to help and extremely courteous.
Perhaps is it just a geographical thing or maybe your friend isnt as polite as the others.

[spk]

I went to New York on holiday and have met quite a few americans and have always found them all to be really polite, so much so it was verging on fakeness. I think your friend is fairly isolated and just had bad manners, I dont think its all americans to be honest. You get good and bad everywhere really

[Alixw]

I was on holiday in Aruba this year for 2 weeks, which was largely an American holiday destination - there were only about 10 brits in the hotel. Me and my boyfriend couldnt belive how rude some of the Americans were! It wasn't all of them, but definitely a fairly big percentage! They would stand at the bar and just say '2 beers' or some other drink, no please or thank you's. I guess they think that they can make up for lack of manners by waving a dollar in front of the bar man!

[noxlumos]

All of the Americans I've ever met have been absurdly polite to be honest, can't say I've met a rude one aside of being possibly pushier than would be considered nice in the UK occasionally, but please and thank you's in abundance.

[rabbits]

I was in Ny last week, never saw or met one who was rude - very polite. Forget what they say about New Yorkers being rude - definitely not true

[ummmm1]

I had a American visitor...we went out for a meal and she done nothing but moan......eg. Has the chef gone out to kill the cow or what...blar blar

I think it is cultural.....they work on tips and are used to a fast service. We tend to just stand about and wait...politely

[foreverlove]

Dear zimzam,

I myself am an American. And your expectations of "please" and "thank you" and "have a nice day", etc. are right on target. Those of us who are raised properly by our parents and take our lessons to heart, believe in using the manners we were taught.

If a person in another country was gracious enough to spend time with me, and show me around his country, I would be thankful and I would say so loud and clear. When I returned to the States, he or she could expect a wonderful thank you letter and if I could still afford it after my trip, an AWESOME thank you gift as well.

Your expectations for politeness are perfectly reasonable. It isn't geographical or cultural or anything else. What you experienced was just plain bad manners on that person's part, unless they were never taught, and well, that would indicate simple ignorance. Unfortunate that you were subject to it. Allow me to apologize for Mr./Ms Inconsiderate, whatever the reason for the lack.

Also, let me say, on that peron's behalf, and on behalf of all Americans who feel as I do, thank you, gracious host, for showing one of ours a good time. And please don't let his or her rudeness speak for all Americans. The majority of us know how to use our manners and find it a pleasure to do so. Truly.

Have a wonderful day! :)
Peace, Love and Harmony to you and yours.....

Sincerely,
foreverlove, USA

[mandimoo]

from the previous posts, it sounds like when you are in america, americans are extremely polite and helpful (and this has been my experience as well), but when they go on holiday then they drop the chirade and become something else! this is NOT my opinion, but i am summarising what appears to be said above.

[missjef]

Whenever i have been to America or Canada people have always been super polite, i mean even a bit too polite sometimes.
I work in a shop in N. Yorkshire & we had an American customer in the other day and she asked me something and said 'excuse me ma'am"!! which ive never heard from any British Customers.
I dotn think ive ever come across a rude American or Canadian.

[WendyS]

Most Americans are very polite and hospitable. Perhaps you've just been unfortunate enough to associate with some who are either poorly educated or just bad mannered.

Maybe you should quietly take them aside, explain that you know cultures sometimes different but that in the UK, it's the norm to say "Please" and "Thank you", even if they're not used to doing it in their own country.

[Eve]

As many others i've always found them to be extremely polite and in California, esp in supermarkets, overfriendly to the point it could get quite unnerving haha.

I stayed with some American families for a while and was treated like an absolute princess. Had a gift basket waiting on my bed on arrival with all kinds of lovely stuff and was spoilt rotten and amazingly cared for like part of the family. It was Easter and they made such an effort with beauiful easter baskets waiting for us all on easter morning and a proper easter egg hunt (we spent hours making them the night before) and so much more.

I also got talking to an American couple on a train over here one time. I helped them with directions and useful phone numbers as the train was delayed and threw their plans into chaos. I gave my number in case they got stuck.

They rang later to thank me and ask for my address. I got a lovey card saying that you and asking to confirm my address was right. I wrote back and they sent me a gorgeous present from the states to say thank you with a lovely letter about them. I was quite overwhelmed.

[lady_p_gold]

I find Americans very polite, however your question interests me as I have made a study of the very same thing. I spend a lot of time in California and I have noticed that it is not always customary to say 'please' when ordering drinks even in the most well mannered and polite circules , and it is not a question of them being rude, it is just something that is taken as read. I agree about the supermarket service and all those things, but maybe some of the people who replied have not actually taken note of hearing them order drinks. So .... in answer to your question I think that there is a culture of not saying please but I do not think it is rudeness it is just something that is a cultural difference at times.

[zimzam]

Every answer I have read has been wonderful and taking the whole lot it seems I was not unreasonable in my expectations.

I would like to thank foreverlove for the beautiful post - and no need to apologise to me as as you are an American just because my American friend was lacking in certain "qualities"

What has made it worse for me is that I paid for everything (including her flight) I was not out to win friendship as I felt I already had the friendship. I did not expect my friend to feel beholding but I DID expect to hear how much she was enjoying herself and how glad she was to be here (which undoubtably she was) I think at the end of the day judging by what everyone has said here that I can place my friend in the bracket as being selfish, self centred, thoughtless and bad mannered and I have taken a step back with the friendship.

[zimzam]

Well, I don't know how my post is coloured and showing "Question Author" but I hope it ends up in print here as I would hate to type it all over again.