Is adultery forgiveable?

[Maypole]

If you had been married 10 years (one child) and your partner was unfaithful a couple of times with a stranger, possibly/probably with texts in between, would you forgive them?

I know this has happened as a result of long-standing stress, alongside depression, and I love him deeply, but this comes on top of other pretty appalling behaviour this year, and part of me does think that adultery is an unambiguous breaking of marriage vows. Lying is a deal-breaker for me and having found out he's been lying Im not sure I'll really ever believe him again.

What do you think? Is it forgiveable? Can trust be regained?

[Maypole]

To rough and mr ben, i absolutely agree that there is something wrong with my marriage and I have offered space, and couples therapy, and anything else I can think of. I thought we were getting somewhere a the moment, that things were looking up and weve had some of teh est times of our whole marriage this year - but also the worst.

He knows and I know he is behaving unreasonably. That he has done this in a time when we're supposed to be mending things is truly hurtful

[tattoo1094]

sorry maypole , but he s beginning to p.ss me off too now,
i know what its like to be in love but tell me some thing what does he do for you ?

[legend758duo]

get the bags packed.time for a change girl

[Misky]

I don't think he deserves you Maypole. Everyone deserves better than what he's giving out to you. Gather up your skirts and leave - it's time to start again with your head held high.

[B00]

Have you thought that maybe he won't tell you everything because he loves you and wan't to hold onto his marriage?

I'm not condoning what he did, far from it. However i think it's ok everyone saying walk away etc, but it's alot tougher when it's actually you yourself in the situation, especially with kids involved.

If you both really really want to, you can get over this- however, obviously this will involve more from him than you. He has a helluva way to go to regain any kind of trust with you again.

Whichever you decide- I really hope that you can once again be happy.

Boo
xxx

[Maypole]

:-( Not the answers I was hoping for....

thought someone might say it was just his depression and he'd be OK when he got some stress management techniques in place.

I know I sound a bit pathetic but he can be a good guy, I had always thought of him as rock solid until this year, thats why this has been such a shock, makes me feel sick to think about it but its very hard to let it go, especially when Ive put so much effort into making it work.

[Misky]

You're the only one on here who knows him, and so if you think he deserves another chance, then fair enough. But if there's a chance he won't act now with a view to getting himself better, then it would only get worse and it would drag you down with it. Only you know, flowerpot, but it seems to be up to him now then.

[society]

maypole sounds like you don't want to leave this bloke and you don't mind taking his abuse either. he is aware of this and will continue to cheat on you and abuse you if you don't stand up to him. i think by you accepting his bad behavior you are encouraging him. you need to get a grip on yourself first and sort out everything within your, then have a very serious talk with him.

[tattoo1094]

may pole , joking apart now,
if you think he is heading for a nervous breakdown or is he that stressed ,what do you think is the best option for you to do. do you want to go to marriage councelling? do you think it would help cos two people need to be there and if he is not a willing participant in this then your banging your head against a brick wall are nt you? give your selves 6 months to make this work otherwise stay in a love less marriage but be happy with that.

[Maypole]

I dont think he "deserves" aother chance, but it doesn't mean I dont want to give him one.

We are talking nervous breakdown level, and tatoo we are in the 6 month period now! After he absolutely slated our young daughter (not to her face but to me), including "I cant think of one single thing Im proud of her for" (shes a lovely girl), I told him I was leaving. He asked if he sorted himself out could it be a temprary thing. I held out but eventually said yes and here we are 3 weeks later.

[tattoo1094]

i think mate he needs some time out to re asses what he whats............. does he have a stressful job?

[Maypole]

Hi, yes he runs his own company which is too successful for its own good. He cant be happy with what he has.

We are in the period now where he is supposed to be deciding what he wants, and he has strayed again. Who knows how many times he's done it in the last few months.

I think I need to just leave now and have minimal contact. Enough is enough,

Thanks all!

[Reverandfunk]

If one other woman isn't enough then 20 isn't too many. Personally I couldn't have someone back who had cheated (for whatever reason) and I couldn't trust them again, it would always be niggling at the back of my mind.

Again personally speaking if I had to go to a third party to help me sort my relationship out I would definately call it a day. How can a total stranger help with my personal life. If the two of you alone can't sort it out then give up.

Hope whatever you decide works out.

[tattoo1094]

all the best maypole xxxx

[sense4all]

He really sounds like he is at somekind of crossroads in his life. I would ask him to go and sort himself out elsewhere : he brought this to your door, not vice versa.

I have been married twenty years and I would be giving a time out for this - get over it ... cheeky git. Make your own decisions don't spin off his choices. What do you want and need?

For other classic on lines have a gander at this , might raise a smile ...
http://www.soyouvebeendumped.com/breakup.html

[thugulike]

There can't be love where there's no trust or respect. I'd rather live without him and have my self esteem intact than be made a fool of. Once can be a mistake but not twice and not to admit it means nothing will ever change. My first husband was a liar and it was only after I divorced him I found out how many lies he'd told. I now have a wonderful husband who is faithful and truthful and we respect each other.

[Rubyrose]

Oh my god! What an @rse! I'm sorry but to say that to you is bang out of line and to have the nerve to tell you to stop being insecure? Um HELLO............. You aren't being insecure..... You're husband f*cking cheated on you!!!!!!! I know that there is always a reason for this and it's not as black and white as he cheated so he is an @rse but the way he is dealing with it is disgusting and I'm sorry but I would be out that door quicker than you could say "decree absolute"! I'm sorry but he should be on his f*cking hands and knees begging for your forgiveness..... !! This man won't change and I'm sorry to say this Maypole as it may sound harsh but I think you lost him ages ago. How can he love and respect you if he doesn't even care that he has hurt you? Walk out the door before you lose respect for yourself. Show him you won't hang around and wait for a man who isn't worth your time and love... and show your child that you can be strong and not just stay for the sake of staying!

If the man was showing regret and pleading then perhaps you could have forgiven him but it seems to me he doesn't even want your forgiveness... It seems he is trying to drive you away! I'm sorry but when a man says 'Oh not this again'.... it seems it is far from over and if he won't even talk about it.. then walk out the door! Take a stand and show him... He will miss you I am sure but I am more sure that whether you have been with this guy 10yrs or 10 weeks.... he isn't worthy of your love!

Xx

[Pippa68]

I think adultery can be forgiven in some relationships..i is how the guilty party reacts and lives their life after the event that matters.

And this guy seems to have no saving graces, I'm afraid. Especially regarding your daughter. That in itself is unforgiveable.

[Maypole]

Thanks all for your wise words. I tried again last night and he got angry and walked off. So later I basically told him that was that. Feel very sad, and he is sorry I know, but not enough to open up to me. You're so right Ruby, I did lose him ages ago and I have to set a better example to my girl. We move out on Friday, what a huge shame.

[Pippa68]

A terrible shame, Maypole ~ but you have done your best and tried as hard as you could.

Good luck for the future. You can start again ~ I did, and have never been happier :o) xx