Is adultery forgiveable?

[Maypole]

If you had been married 10 years (one child) and your partner was unfaithful a couple of times with a stranger, possibly/probably with texts in between, would you forgive them?

I know this has happened as a result of long-standing stress, alongside depression, and I love him deeply, but this comes on top of other pretty appalling behaviour this year, and part of me does think that adultery is an unambiguous breaking of marriage vows. Lying is a deal-breaker for me and having found out he's been lying Im not sure I'll really ever believe him again.

What do you think? Is it forgiveable? Can trust be regained?

[B00]

Yes, it is and yes, it can.

If you still love him, its worth giving it another go. I'm not saying be a doormat, let him know exactly how you feel and the consequences if he does it again.

[Maypole]

Thanks Boo.

Problem is, he won't admit it (although he has admitted telling lies about where he has been), so if he won't tell me what's been happening I can't make any progress of teh sort you suggest........

[society]

If your partner truly loves and respect you they will not cheat or be unfaithful to you. I would never forgive such an act, there's no excuse for infidelity.

[tattoo1094]

maypole,
are you truly happy with this man, you know they can make many excuses for the behaviour. would you treat someone like this?if you wouldnt ask yourself the question ' why do you want to put up with it?'
if its because you havea little one ,i understand
if its because of money situations i undersand that as well
be true to your self , only one life make sure you are happy.
he needs to be responsible for his own actions if he cant , well the choice is then yours mate.............

[4getmenot]

I always go by Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I think you can forgive someone if they have learnt from their mistake and are truly sorry but if they do it again then they shouldn�t be forgiven. Everybody makes mistakes, but you shouldn�t repeat them.

[4getmenot]

But I think if they'd cheated a couple of times as you said, then really isnt a one off, and I couldnt get past that myself and I couldnt trust him again

[tattoo1094]

this is quite a difficult one.
i would hope you would have enough self esteem to not let any body treat you this way ,but by the sounds of it you commited fully in your marriage and thats quite hard especially if your religous.
just trust in your friends get a good support network ( with out sounding too much of a social worker) its important to keep talking about it mate x

[Rubyrose]

I think the big Q that needs to be answered here is can he get past it? It's all very well you forgiving him and moving on but by the sounds of things as he won't tell you anything then it could be far from over! You need to sit down with him and talk this through and see where you stand first!

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, i dont think full trust can ever be regained. Once someone has broken your trust you would have to be pretty weak or naive to think that they wouldnt do (what ever it was they did in the first place) again.
The fact that they wont admit it is even worse as it shows that they cannot be honest too...

[tattoo1094]

ruby rose,
i love your positive thinking, but dont you think he incabable of sitting down and being honest?
i dont know really but by the sounds of it he could tell maypole anything!
go out may pole and get yourself a good mate that you can go to the gym with or pub, cinema wat ever you feel........but make sure that he knows your a strong girl!!!!

[Maypole]

Thanks all. Your responses are helpful.

Im tending to agree with Ruby - if he wont sit down and tell me whats been going on, he cant apologise and I cant make a decision. when I try and talk to him about he says "not this again" and walks off.
Last night I did finally get the apology I'd been hoping for from last time, when his response then was "Yes, Ive done it but its unimportant and it made me feel good, now get over it and stop being insecure."

We have not been happy for a while and money is not an issue, although my daughter is as is the fact that I know that we could be brilliant together. He says he loves me "an unbelieveable amount" - so why does he keep sabotaging things? Is it medical?

[4getmenot]

Oh my God!! I cant believe he even had the nerve to say that. It is him that has made you insecure!! Get out and take him for all the money you can get, the cheating swine!!

[Roughquest]

There is obviously something wrong in your marriage for your partner to have done this. You both need to talk this through, if you love him deeply then I would say yes to giving him another chance, however, if he does it again, its time to close the book on your marriage Im afraid, now this is also going to sound harsh and forgive me in advance, but for a man or a woman to 'stray' there are problems from both sides, I dont think you can lay the blame on him, sit and think why he has done this...it could just be for sex which men can do easily without emotion. Its very rare for a man to leave his wife for the 'other woman'. Good luck and I wish you all the best and hope it works out for you. xx

[Maypole]

LOL 4getmenot.....

I love it when someone gets indignant on your behalf, its so supportive :-)

Well I did mention previous apalling behaviour, and there have been other things too - for example "kissing you is lke kissing a bloke". thats a fond memory for sure!

[4getmenot]

he has made me so mad, No bloke has any right to say that especially when he is the one in the wrong!!

[tattoo1094]

im so sorry maypole, for your pain that you have to go through but you have to understand some thing,
please have some self respect. if he cant talk to you thats his problem, i dare say old enough and ugly enough to take care of himself. if you keep chasing him i would imagine thats what he thrives on. try not to be goeded (is that the right spelling) you were your own person before you got married and you still are now , find yourself again, and when you do everything else will fall into place

[MrBen5]

Ahhh, its coming out now Maypole.
So you have had signs in the past that there was issues between yourselves.
I am afraid my only advice to you would be that you need to listen more. It seems like he has been dropping hints that something was up and you chose to ignore them.
He has broke your trust, but not his. Maybe he thought you werent interested any more...

[legend758duo]

thats disgraceful.im stubborn as some may tell you.but i work on the rule of i wouldnt do it to you so dont do it to me.
im afraid when hes done it and more than once you shouldnt give him the chance to do it again.evn if you love him hes breaking your heart.you have to think about your own selfrespect and not let him walk over you and humiliate and hurt you like this.
i dont hold with adulterers and liars.
move on im sure someone out there would love you and care for you.without saying its like kissing a guy!!!
move on theres better out there.
dump him hes not worth your tears girl.

[tattoo1094]

kissing you is like kissing a bloke ?
sure he s not gay!!!!
why are you still with this leper!!