How should we respond to our lesbian daughter?

[Philanthro]

Our twenty-five year old daughter announced last year that her roomate that shared her flat was "more" than just a roomate.

She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.

Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.

My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.

Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!

[Aprilis]

I agree totally with all the other posters but lack their tact and diplomacy in this instance. I am quite frankly appalled by the selfishness of you even considering having nothing to do with your own child in favour of your own prejudices. Your love for your children should be UNCONDITIONAL!! Not based on whether their lifestyle suits your values or not.

Your daughter is the same person she always was and doesn't deserve to be treated as an outcast. She most certainly is not sick or immoral and deserves to be treated with the same love and respect that she obviously has for you. Not only that, you will be setting an extemely bad example to your other daughters despite the fact that you believe the opposite to be true.


I hope that you and your husband find it in your hearts to come to some sort of compromise with your daughter. It's the right thing to do.

[Ice-Maiden]

Philanthro - please sit back and digest all these answers again. There are some extremely wise words here, from ordinary people, just like yourself. What I find sad, is that you say you've worked hard to instil a good set of values into your children, yet you fail to set an example yourselves - that of compassion and love for your daughter. When my own children are old enough to settle down with partners, their gender'll be irrelevant, so long as my kids are happy. Your daughter's being mindful of your feelings, so why can't you do the same back, & make everyone a lot happier?

[Aprilis]

Looks like I am not the only one that lacks the diplomatic turn of phrase then!

[Shadow Man]

Not much help for you but maybe your husband is this old chesnut.

Your husband (her dad) is the only man she will ever truly love.

I have a gaylord friend and this was reversed to his mother being the only woman he will ever truly love. It touched her initially disapproving heart and they are now as thick as thieves.

Love for your father and love in a (hetrosexual) relationship is very different. But as John Lennon sang "Love is ..................................................................................................."

[Aprilis]

Sorry Ice, I was referring to jackthehat. My feelings, I have to admit though, are similar to his.

[Sasha13]

I've never been in your position, but I speak as someone who has been in love before.

Firstly, can I ask specifically what your objections are?

If you don't come to a compromise with your daughter and accept her lifestyle you will, either now, or at some stage in the future, lose her. That is cold, hard fact.

There is no way that she will place her parents over the partner that she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. And that is the way it should be - same sex relationship or not.

So I guess you and your husband have to decide. Accept your daughter's lifestyle and her partner, or face a future in which your daughter plays no part in your life.

It will happen, I guarantee it. You can stop it.

[Louisa 69]

I can't believe what i've just read. How can you be so unfeeling towards your daughter? She has made her choice , and was honest enough to tell you. Would you rather she lived a lie so that you could save face? How can you even think about having nothing more to do with her, never mind what your feeling, think what your both putting your daughter through. You have to push aside your own feelings and be there for her, if you don't you will LOSE her, i'm sure people would have more to say and think a lot less of you if you both turned your back on your own child, than what they would just for her being gay.

[Ice-Maiden]

Hi Louisa - and no problem Aprilis. I think everyone's replies've made it abundantly clear that, however we spell it out, we're all thinking along the same lines here. I feel very sorry for the daughter, who's obviously doing her best to to keep in touch with her parents - who, through ignorance, will eventually force her away with their bigotted attitude. Love for your children should be unconditional, and I hope Philanthro and her husband come to realise that their judgement could cost them their daughter's love.

[Aprilis]

Ice, I don't think it is them that will pay the price, it is their daughter. She will be hurt more deeply than it seems they could possibly begin to imagine.

To allow bigotry and prejudice to wound your child is more than my sensibilities can comprehend.

[VillageVicar]

Mormess: My goodness, I certainly took no offence to your comments. Actually, now I�m a bit concerned as I hope my presence here does not inhibit anyone�s comfort in expressing themselves. As I�ve shared in some other threads, I celebrate all views. However, as a fellow human, I�ve also pointed out that I am not afraid to exercise my right to express myself when I see exhibits of gratuitous denigration and abuse of others, or when individuals choose to use vulgarities simply for the purpose of maliciously upsetting readers.

Philanthro: I�m deeply saddened to read your response. By exhibiting your indignation towards your older daughter, you are sending powerful messages to your younger children that they are restricted from being open and honest with you. And I�m even more saddened that the two of you are investing valuable life moments presuming that you have somehow failed your daughter. Her sexuality is not a socio-familial sequelae of her upbringing. I wish there were something I could offer to your husband to help him see this. And perhaps my greatest sadness is in your closing comment that her partner shall never darken your doorway. I hope and pray that your family can, in time, find the peace and acceptance you need. I�m afraid that in the absence of your own growth, your children � all of them � shall bear the scars of your limitations. My statements do not serve or represent endorsement of dysfunctional obsessive behaviours. However, they do represent a most earnest recognition that we are all His children and not one of us, that I know of, has been granted a license to serve on His jury.

I shall indeed keep you in my thoughts

Fr Bill

[Louisa 69]

Hi Ice , Aprilis i think it's more than all our sensibilities can comprehend, it's beyond belief. That poor girl.

[Ice-Maiden]

I agree with you on that as well. Their daughter must feel very hurt by her parents attitude. In fact, that attitude will no doubt affect the rest of the family as well. I can't understand how anyone could feel like this towards their own child, because the happiness and well-being of your children should be paramount.

[jackthehat]

My heart sank when I saw that Doc had replied to this thread (Docs post has now been removed)...........and on opening up the thread my fears were confirmed.

You are a twunk of the first order Doc and you just can't help yourself, can you ?

I abhor your stance, Philanthro, but would rather that this stupid, stupid berk had not lowered the tone by his hah contribution.

[Doc Spock]

Hi Jack, great suggestion I thought.

We all need something hard, even artificial.

[jackthehat]

Please desist in your attempts at humour, Doc.

Philanthro needs to understand that her daughter is entirely normal..................and comments like the ones you post are most unhelpful to people trying to impress this upon her.

She already views her daughter's relationship as immoral/abnormal, etc. and to have it further portrayed as nothing more than a substitute for a 'real' relationship doesn't help, at all.

Please find another thread upon which to be witty........

[Ice-Maiden]

The thing is, everyone - I haven't noticed philanthro back on here to defend her ideas. Is it that she's giving thought to all our replies - or maybe the "dilemma" was just posted to liven the site up a bit!