How should we respond to our lesbian daughter?

[Philanthro]

Our twenty-five year old daughter announced last year that her roomate that shared her flat was "more" than just a roomate.

She lives in London and we live in Wolverhampton. We were shocked and disgusted. She has dated men before and even came close to being engaged once. We told her we would always love her no matter what, but we could never accept her lifestyle.

Until now, when she comes home to visit, she has always come alone, and has only told one of her siblings about her lesbainism. Two days ago, she left a message saying she wanted to come to visit next week with her partner, and would stay in a hotel.

My husband and I are torn, our minds say to love our daughter regardless of her preferences. Our hearts tell us we don't want anything to do with her or this other girl, nor do we want our 17, 15, and 8 year old girls to see this immoral relationship, and worry they may view our meeting this girl as some kind of sick acceptance.

Any help out there as far as ideas go? We are very upset and confused!

[baileybird]

oh dear i feel very sorry for your daughter
homophobia is a bad quality to have
you are not entitled to have any opinion - she was purely informing you not asking for approval
why have children if you do not want anything other than the normal

you should hang your heads in shame at the thought of casting her out

if you keep your daughters away from your eldest girls you will lose them all eventually when they realise why you have done it, and you will end up lonely and even more sad than you already are

take a deep breath and thank god your daughter has found someone she loves

[baileybird]

just read your second posting and you actually disgust me

you dont deserve the love of this girl or her 'dirty' partner

have you heard the phrase what goes around comes around.

you are very unchristian

[l66ele]

I have followed your thread now and at first I really felt for you, but I now believe that you DO NOT actually love or care enough for your daughter. I have to admit I too would be devistated, but this is not about you.... it is also about your daughter. You do not appear to have any compassion for her at all. While I understand your upset she is your daughter and you should be there for her regardless!!!! My mother died when I was in my 20s and I miss her every day of my life, but I have happy memories and the knowledge that she loved me unconditionaly and when she died we had no regrets - will you be able to say the same?

[cambus]

I may be wrong, but I get the impression, that your moral stance has been decided for you, probably by your church.
You are in the process of committing the ultimate sin, putting your beliefs and morals, above the happiness of your loving daughter.
As has already been said, you will eventually end up losing the love and respect, from the rest of your family.
I hope you have the fortitude to see you through, what I think, will be a very lonely life.

[VillageVicar]

Philanthro: I have read through all of the responses to your initial query. As you can see, some have offered well balanced thoughts, others have offered their own thoughts, some quite valid, but without governing their reigns of emotion. Others have simply been aggressive.

If I apply only a faith based perspective and not from my own personal and spiritual beliefs; we are called to love all people � saints and sinners alike. Those I visit in prison are just deserving of being led and guided and loved as are those I visit in hospital. The largest number of children I have in my home in Romania suffer from HIV and AIDS. The fact is their virus was acquired as a consequence of Ceausescu�s demands that newborn babies be topped up with units of whole blood � using the same needle time after time. Consequently. Their illness is marked as paediatric AIDS, rather than an STD (sexually transmitted disease). Yet there are churches I have visited whose preachings asserted that everyone with AIDS and HIV bore the mark of satin for their evil deeds.

If I apply my own spiritual beliefs; we are called to love everyone. And if I follow my own ethos, I state unequivocally, I bear no right to judge anyone. That is for a higher authority. I feel deeply saddened for your daughter, those whom she loves, which also clearly includes you and the situation at hand.

I�m afraid that in time, the sadness born by all of you will affect you not only physically and emotionally, but spiritually as well.

You remain in my thoughts and indeed prayer

Fr Bill

[Reverandfunk]

Personally i think you dont need to respond at all.

She's your daughter and thats all that matters

[gina32]

i can guarantee 100% that should (god forbid) your daughter die tomorrow one of the first things youd say would be " if i could have her back i'd accept her for who she is" so she is your flesh and blood, accept her now before its to late,

[vehelpfulguy]

Philanthro, the original appender, seems to think that somehow gay relationships are some sort of new fangled love that has only appeared in the last few years.

Well it hasn't.

What is different is that people are now more open and honest about it, but it has been going on all the time.

I bet through her life she has met many gay women and men, they just did not shout from the rooftops about it.

Perhaps the spinster teacher at her school was in fact lesbian. Perhaps the unmarried vicar at her church was homosexual.

For many years it was in fact illegal to be a gay man, and you could be put in prison for it. Hence people tended to keep quite about it.

People have been gay way back in history.

Cole Porter was gay, Noel Coward was gay, Rock Hudson was gay, actor Nigel Hawthorne (Yes Minister) was gay.

Writer Vita Sackville-West was lesbian, Billie Jean King the tennis player was lesbian, the list could go on and on, even members of the British royal family have been gay.

I think what your daughter is doing could be a LOT worse (drug addict, criminal, prostitute), all she has done is fall in love with a person of the same sex.

[hundreddolla]

Fr. Bill tells it like it is, once again!

I'll bet you can help as many people on here as you can in your parish Bill!!

Keep it up.

[hussy]

i think philanthro and her husband are just very old fashioned my parents are...... for instance when i moved to london there was a girl i met that was a lesbian and although i have nothing against same sex relations, i prefer the opposite sex. anyway she kept phoning my mums house asking for me and wanting to take me to a concert that i mentioned to her that i liked, and when i told my mum that she was a lesbian, my mum said 'o my, i was talking to her as well' typical old school, sees anything different not normal! hope you work things out Philanthro with your daughter, she is the same person you've always loved.

[tufty7]

You got to ask yourself , is she a good person ?? does she go out mugging old grammies?? thieving from shops?? stealing from collection boxes?? if the answer to those is no then you have done a good job in bringing her up , you should respect her wishes and accept her for what she is , what is normal anyway ?? you could make the difference to her being completely happy with her life , accept her for what she is thats all she wants from you .