Am I making the right choice?

[Jamie29]

I've lived with my g/f for a few years. We've got 4 kids at home. When we met I was all up for the wedding lark. Truest thing anyone ever said to me was, 'you don't know someone until you live with them.' I love her, but (and there's always a 'but') at times I've been subjected to domestic violence. Sure someone's going to post I'm a plum for letting her hit me. I just don't hit women. I've left her a few times, but always went back for the children. Why should I be the one who misses out on playtime and kissing them goodnight, because she can't control her temper? I moved back in last night and swore it's the last time I walk away. None of my family or close mates think I should be there anymore. I can't desert my children. I'm responsible for them, so why does it have to come down to living in fear at times just to be with them?

[Jamie29]

Thanks senior, I've always known she's been trying to pull me down. It says it right there on that site.

This is guilt card stuff but she blames me for not marrying her. Marriage would settle her and it wouldn't happen again.

[4getmenot]

Sorry but I don�t believe that for one second, whats marriage just a piece of paper to me. You think she will trust you just because you are married. I feel for you I really do, I know a girl with two children that constantly hits her husband and one night up pub while both drunk he flipped and knocked her out. No one helped because they were used to there arguing and all I thought was there poor children. The man felt so guilty the next day and the girl had him arrested when she beats him all the time. Maybe you can sort it that you have equal custody. Do you still love her? Or are just there because you cant leave the children?

[Jamie29]

3ight8ball that's just it. I feel like a mug but I want to stay for my four little ones. Offset is I'm wound up like a spring. She knows I won't hit her and she takes the p***. These replies are giving me a bit of hope.

[lil123]

If you want my email address I will give it to you if you need the support and I will tell you where you can get the help you need

[Jamie29]

4getmenot, I'm scared of flipping and hurting her. She's got me contemplating stuff I've never dreamed of before. I've thought at times I'd be better off dead. I've almost cheated on her. It's gutting me even admitting that. I've always loved her, but I don't like her much. Crazy I know. I'm there because of my children.

[theonlyone]

Marriage wil not change her ..if you believe
that ..fly to the moon !! Stay in the house
and have her removed ..

[4getmenot]

See it is good to talk :-) I guess I cant say what to do because I�ve never been in that situation. I would like to say I would be gone but I guess I believe in giving people second chances but never a third and it seems she wont change. I don�t think marriage will change it and even if it will you cant be forced into doing something you don�t want to do. Dont flip out leave for a while and get some space between you, make sure you call the children everyday.

[lil123]

As you can prob tell this is a subject I feel very strongly about and now have zero tolerance over

[Jamie29]

3ight8ball, I'm not happy with her or away from home. I'm lost.

lil123 thank you

theonlyone, the house is in my name. It was mine before she came along. God I'm a real mug for walking out of my own place.

[leelapops]

Oh my :( Jamie, get out please. You have done all you can to try and make this relationship work, and I think you have answered my first question: Is it? It doesn't seem to be.

Your partner needs help, but you shouldn't be made to act like a doormat. There ARE agencies that can advise on Domestic Violence, and even ones that deal specifically with men as victims, as people have mentioned. Also, see the Citizen's Advice Bureau for legal advice on custody, and on the housing situation (you don't say who's paying the rent or mortgage). Don't assume that your partner will automatically get full custody. If her personality is that volatile, she really shouldn't. To back up your case, keep a diary of all the things she does to you. And physical abuse is assault: If you wanted to, you could get the Police involved. I understand if that route isn't for you though.

Listen, and take it from me: there are women out there who will love you, respect you, and treat you with kindness. They will be grateful that you put so much into a relationship. They will respect your bond with your children. You must be so jaded right now, but relationships can be wonderful.
Don't stay for the sake of the kids, because what they are seeing and feeling is worse, to my mind, than if you were separated. And they wouldn't want their Dad to be unhappy. They know you love them.

Lots of luck and keep us updated. x

[snagged]

Get out NOW... and take the kids with you... your partner needs a drastic 'wake up call'... the shock and pain of you and the children leaving might just be the kick in the pants she needs...

and if it isn't... at least you and your children will be out of harms way and can start to move on... which you cannot do whilst you're all still under the same roof.

Good luck

[4getmenot]

If it is your house ask her to leave until she sorts herself out. I know it hurts to be away and as you said to be with her. But it might be just because you are used to it. leela has given some great advice there please make sure you take it. xx

[leelapops]

Agree with lil, PM me in Sportsbank if you would like to talk, or just offload.

She is making YOU feel guilty, when she is the one at fault, and that is unacceptable. Insecurity can eat a relationship up, but she is the one who won't change. You need to get out. If the house is bought, sell up and split the proceedings. All the practicalities like that can be dealt with when you get to them, just get out and save your sanity.
Isn't it strange how love can be THE worst emotion?
x

[Jamie29]

4getmenot, I've always told people to leave, never thinking it would happen to me. It's not easy but I'm going to tell her there's no marriage and never will be. Everyone's right, I can't put my children through a lifetime of violence. They won't respect me if they see me battered by her. I'll think seriously about custody.

[XFilesfan]

Oh Man! Enough is enough! The other way around and she'd have ben magically whisked away with the kids and you wouldn't know if she was still on planet earth. Can you get yourself a sympathetic councellor from the domestic violence unit - or even contact family's need father's - i know they seem a bit of a joke with their protesting, but they're up on the law and may be able to give you some help in the right direction. You being hospitalised twice and wanting to be with your kids MUST count for something. you said in an earlier post, it would kill her to loose the kids, well perhaps it's the threat she needs to get something done. The balls in your court, the kids feel the tension, you've been hospitlised twice and you're still there for them. Councelling hasn't helped then perhaps it's time to to move on a stage, she needs a full mental health accessment and maybe medicating for a while, with limited supervised visits to the children

[Jamie29]

leela, I pay for everything. I've made it so easy for her. One day I might feel differently but now at 16.43 today I don't think relationships are for me. I'm empty, I can't think of a better term. I've got a few incidents written down thanks to the counselling. I even paid for that!

If I made her leave, would that affect any future custody chances for me?

[4getmenot]

as leela says write everything down and if you decide to go for custody or joint custody you have these notes and any witnesses may help. I'm afraid Nothing IS easy in life. Be strong and I hope all works out, keep us updated xx Good luck. xx