Affair with a married man/woman

[Miss Chief]

Do you think there are any circumstances under which the above is acceptable/excusable?

[cazzz1975]

not really, it is only excusable if they end the marriage before they embark on a new relationship and they are formally separated.

they will be still officially married (separated) until the divorce comes through

[sqad617]

I don't know whether or not it is acceptable/excusable, but it is extremely common.

[tamborine]

Its a temptation affecting most people and rational thinking takes a back seat. Its acceptable/excusable so long as children are not hurt. Children are the one responsibility that should glue parents, to give them the best survival chances.

Failed relationships are socially acceptable but failed parenting is not good for the community. If adults could see this wider picture there would be less confusion in children.

[Huderon]

Most people would say no, but having been there I think it's a matter for the two people involved to decide for themsleves

[andy-hughes]

I don;t think you can generalise on this issue.

Every situation is as different as the two people involved - ytou can't make hard and fast rules.

My experience of life has taught me to be as non-judgemental as possible, an approach i try to live with every day.

[beso]

I've done it. We celebrate 21 years this year.

It is acceptable to us, our former partners, our children and our friends. We have all become an extended family and we care about and look out for each other. The children (now aged 27 to 22) see themselves as siblings.

By "not accepting" the decisions of other people any posibility of making the most out of the situation is destroyed. Following this philosophy means whereever there is disagreement there is conflict. Where true cooperation and love is present many aspects of the exploded family are quite positive.

[jake-the-peg]

I think there was a very similar thread to this recently.

My mother had an affair with a divorcee for quite a long time before leaving my father when my younger sister was 18 and had left home.

By staying with my father while we were growing up she gave my sister and I a stable home life while we were growing up.

Otherwise we would either have been left with my father who was ill equipped to deal with children on his own or been dragged 100 miles away to a different school and into a life where we had no friends.

A lot of people go through this and end up perfectly well balanced individuals but I doubt any would say it was ideal.

So should she have stayed with a man she didn't love?
Left her children?
Dragged us away?

BTW they celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary this year!

Some people like to think that such issues are always black and white. Maybe it makes them feel secure. Personally I have difficulty just thinking of these things in such a simplistic way.

[Marijn]

Huderon and Andy Hughes, why do you say "two people involved"? It's not just two people!

[andy-hughes]

Because the two people who are involved start the situation and / or end it.

Respective partners may not even know what has occured, and may never ever be directly involved, so regardless of how the situation expands, or not, it starts and ends, with two people.

[Huderon]

I gave a simple answer to the question as posed.

As andy-hughes said, when it starts there are only two people involved, and that is the point at which they decide if the affair is acceptable or excusable. I imagine that most people, looking at it from outside, would say is is not acceptable. But for as long as the affair only involves two people, what others might think is irrelevant.

But if it bothers you, how about this for a conversation, overheard in the street last summer, between two women :
"I got back from holiday with the kids and he's moved out and set up with someone else. He won't even see or talk to his kid"
"Oh well, never mind, you'll soon find another one"
"Too right I will. I'm going out at the weekend to see who I can pick up"

[Tups]

Poor bl**dy kids!

[Miss Chief]

For the sake of argument, let's assume that there are no kids involved.

[cazzz1975]

do you want someone to tell you it is okay to do it?

[Miss Chief]

Nope, it's not a question about me - I'm just interested in people's views after hearing a story the other day.

[ummmm]

I don't think it's acceptable but can be excusable. Some people suddenly get denied love,affection and sex in their marriage for what ever reason. I don't think you can expect a person to go with out these basic needs.

There's a big difference between someone who cheats 'because they can' and someone who disparately needs some love and intimacy.

[Ankou]

i think if there is an affair going on behind someone's back then someone will always get hurt, and it is a relationship that starts out on a basis of lies and taboo.

To me, thats not a good thing. If people don;t love someone and want to meet someone else, i thinkthey should end the marriage/partnership bit first before entering into a full affair. just my op.

[cazzz1975]

well you got opinions, children or no children there is no excuse.

who would want to have a relationship with a cheater in any case?

[legend-isgod]

If one or both of the parties is married its always wrong.

Its never right , its inexcusable.If they want something to happen they need to be seperate first.
Irrespective of how these affairs endup.

They initialy start as a sordid meet up for sex.

Dress it up in flowers and love poems but its all about the sex initially not unconditional love and long walks in the park.

Thats my honest opinion like it or not .

??? did that help ???