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Sex, porn and our relationship
31 Answers
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months and been living together for 6 weeks. We have always been very open about everything including sex, porn and masterbation etc which I think is great.
The problem is this. We were having a talk a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned that the last 6 - 7 times we were having sex he basically just closed his eyes and off he went (if you get what i mean!) and that I felt like a bit of meat. I explained I understand that he likes to fantasise about other women etc but maybe not every time or atleast acknowledge me.
He was really apologetic and felt bad that I felt that way. He then explained that since he was young he has masterbated every day (sometimes excessively), Almost everytime has been to porn. He has basically masterbated to every kind of deviancy/kind of porn out there and because of that ordinary sex just doesn't do it for him. He needs to fantasise about whatever else.
Is it just me or is that a bit of an insult? Does he mean I don't do it for him?
I can understand to a degree that it may seem boring from time to time if you've seen everything else thats on offer out there.
I asked him if he feels sexually attracted to me still and he says yes. I'm not sure if I believe him now.
Now everytime we have sex I can't help but think he wishes I was someone else. Doing something else.
I wish I didn't feel like that but its hard to understand fully what is going on in his head. Maybe the difference between male and female?
I am still crazy about him in everyway. Physicially, emotionally etc. He's the man I want to marry!
But can someone out there maybe explain or give an opinion? Maybe even a direction on what I should think about it? Because I don't have a clue!
Thanks to anyone that can help!
Kikadoo.
The problem is this. We were having a talk a couple of weeks ago and I mentioned that the last 6 - 7 times we were having sex he basically just closed his eyes and off he went (if you get what i mean!) and that I felt like a bit of meat. I explained I understand that he likes to fantasise about other women etc but maybe not every time or atleast acknowledge me.
He was really apologetic and felt bad that I felt that way. He then explained that since he was young he has masterbated every day (sometimes excessively), Almost everytime has been to porn. He has basically masterbated to every kind of deviancy/kind of porn out there and because of that ordinary sex just doesn't do it for him. He needs to fantasise about whatever else.
Is it just me or is that a bit of an insult? Does he mean I don't do it for him?
I can understand to a degree that it may seem boring from time to time if you've seen everything else thats on offer out there.
I asked him if he feels sexually attracted to me still and he says yes. I'm not sure if I believe him now.
Now everytime we have sex I can't help but think he wishes I was someone else. Doing something else.
I wish I didn't feel like that but its hard to understand fully what is going on in his head. Maybe the difference between male and female?
I am still crazy about him in everyway. Physicially, emotionally etc. He's the man I want to marry!
But can someone out there maybe explain or give an opinion? Maybe even a direction on what I should think about it? Because I don't have a clue!
Thanks to anyone that can help!
Kikadoo.
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Pornography has been shown to have a lasting effect on brain function. Note I did not say it was damage. Just a matter of conditioning. However I admit I do perceive it as damage. I have never been into porn. It seems so shallow to me.
After so many years he won't easily change. Although he might care about you in lots of ways, when it comes to sex you currently mean nothing more to him than a mastubatory tool.
However you have opened a dialog on this. There is hope. He needs to realise the potential of engaging you in sex as a person at a deeper level and anticipate the potential rewards of this change are well beyond what he is currently getting out of sex.
If your man doesn't see it as a problem I would suggest you get out of the relationship. Otherwise you will never experience that deeper intimacy.
It is not about the difference between males and females. He has simply tuned his brain to pornographic stimulation. Women can go down the same path but are less inclined to do so in general.
After so many years he won't easily change. Although he might care about you in lots of ways, when it comes to sex you currently mean nothing more to him than a mastubatory tool.
However you have opened a dialog on this. There is hope. He needs to realise the potential of engaging you in sex as a person at a deeper level and anticipate the potential rewards of this change are well beyond what he is currently getting out of sex.
If your man doesn't see it as a problem I would suggest you get out of the relationship. Otherwise you will never experience that deeper intimacy.
It is not about the difference between males and females. He has simply tuned his brain to pornographic stimulation. Women can go down the same path but are less inclined to do so in general.
Porno...perfectly normal the great majority of men go through that phase.......a growing up thing.........gets boring and then becomes a non-starter....not too worry.
Fantasis.....perfectly normal,stop worrying about it as there is NOTHING that you can do about it.........also wears off.....no too worry.
Will he get fed up with sex with you?......of course he will.
What should you think?.............does it matter what you think, there is nothing you can do about it.
tambo somes it up better than I do:
."welcome to the real world! "
Fantasis.....perfectly normal,stop worrying about it as there is NOTHING that you can do about it.........also wears off.....no too worry.
Will he get fed up with sex with you?......of course he will.
What should you think?.............does it matter what you think, there is nothing you can do about it.
tambo somes it up better than I do:
."welcome to the real world! "
Thanks guys for the help. Especially 'beso'.
Like I say we're very open with each other and him watching porn and fantasisng etc doesn't bother me. Just I would have liked us to have sex 'together'. My main concern that in one months time he will give up thinking of me altogether which might not seem like much to most but to me that is quite devastating.
Like I say we're very open with each other and him watching porn and fantasisng etc doesn't bother me. Just I would have liked us to have sex 'together'. My main concern that in one months time he will give up thinking of me altogether which might not seem like much to most but to me that is quite devastating.
I think you should think long and hard about your'e realationship.....i would feel used, my confidence would go ...He should be making love to you .....it sounds to me that he has a problem . Can you see yourself going long term like this?????i mean it's getting to you allready ,think about how you feel right now.. then imagine what your'e going to feel ike in another few months.... to me you deserve better, you sound like a really nice person..i wish you the best of luck ....i hope you make the right decision.....
and masterbation etc which I think is great.
got to admit .... me too ;)
the biggest problem with women is that for some reason they have to understand things ... feelings and emotions and stuff (shudder) - to do this they work with their considerable skill with such things .... but there is a problem
it works with other women ... because you all talk the same language ... but blokes aren't like that!!!!!!!
we don't talk ... we don't discuss emotions ... and given the choice of no sex or sticking their willy in a hole in a tree ... they'll take the tree - it's not personal ... it's just about getting your rocks off.
in bed - the three minute wonder (1 min sex ... two minutes waiting for the expression on our face to become less like goofy)
if you want 2 minutes ... we shut our eyes and recite football teams, plan our granny's funeral .... anything to divert the lad.... then when concious returns - wham bam
don't over think it - we don't
got to admit .... me too ;)
the biggest problem with women is that for some reason they have to understand things ... feelings and emotions and stuff (shudder) - to do this they work with their considerable skill with such things .... but there is a problem
it works with other women ... because you all talk the same language ... but blokes aren't like that!!!!!!!
we don't talk ... we don't discuss emotions ... and given the choice of no sex or sticking their willy in a hole in a tree ... they'll take the tree - it's not personal ... it's just about getting your rocks off.
in bed - the three minute wonder (1 min sex ... two minutes waiting for the expression on our face to become less like goofy)
if you want 2 minutes ... we shut our eyes and recite football teams, plan our granny's funeral .... anything to divert the lad.... then when concious returns - wham bam
don't over think it - we don't
ACtheTroll demonstrates a common behaviour among men. They try desperately to reinforce their model of what it means to be a man in the face of a discussion about how men might feel.
Mostly it is based on the concept that "We are not like women." They haven't a clue what they are but take great comfort in repeating it over and over to themselves and other men. "We don't understand feelings. Men just want to root."
The same guys went through school persecuting any boys who showed sign of emotional sensitivity. Pity help those boys who ever dared express themselves in this way. My adolesence was pretty traumatic but I would still not choose their way if I had my life again.
Unfortunately a lot of women join in the chorus comfortable that thier identiry could be similarly defined. "We are the sensitive emotional ones. We know men just want sex."
Well I am a man and I am extremely articulate when it comes to discussing emotions. I want to understand my relationships and who I am in a meaningful way. I enjoy sex as an emotional engagement with my wife. I don't have have a string of past lovers tossed aside for another. And I don't use porn.
I am nearly fifty and although sex is certainly not the compelling activity it once was it still happens regularly and it is still as tender and passionate as ever.
I know other men my age who never bothered to develop in this way. They had dozens or even hundreds of encounters with different women in their youth but today they are lonely old men who sit in the pub talking about football to other sad old men.
I guess I could feel sorry for them but I don't. Go ahead young men. Choose your future. Be sure you know where you are headed.
Mostly it is based on the concept that "We are not like women." They haven't a clue what they are but take great comfort in repeating it over and over to themselves and other men. "We don't understand feelings. Men just want to root."
The same guys went through school persecuting any boys who showed sign of emotional sensitivity. Pity help those boys who ever dared express themselves in this way. My adolesence was pretty traumatic but I would still not choose their way if I had my life again.
Unfortunately a lot of women join in the chorus comfortable that thier identiry could be similarly defined. "We are the sensitive emotional ones. We know men just want sex."
Well I am a man and I am extremely articulate when it comes to discussing emotions. I want to understand my relationships and who I am in a meaningful way. I enjoy sex as an emotional engagement with my wife. I don't have have a string of past lovers tossed aside for another. And I don't use porn.
I am nearly fifty and although sex is certainly not the compelling activity it once was it still happens regularly and it is still as tender and passionate as ever.
I know other men my age who never bothered to develop in this way. They had dozens or even hundreds of encounters with different women in their youth but today they are lonely old men who sit in the pub talking about football to other sad old men.
I guess I could feel sorry for them but I don't. Go ahead young men. Choose your future. Be sure you know where you are headed.
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-- answer removed --
beso - I'm not going to say what I think
but you are like the law
Also let me say - this isn't meant to be in any way ego boosting I have a degree in cognitive psychology and a masters in clinical psychology both unused - I work in the ITC/it sector - because |I'm not suited to therapy
Are you seriously trying to claim that men and women think in the same way - about the same things ...?
If you are - you are a fool ... the physical structure and chemical composition of the two are significantly different - and in cross gender therapy - it's striking how different they start ... and how radically they swing given the correct hormonal/chemical treatments.
having offspring is a risky business ... for women - it's the whole 9 months (for men also - but only when fighting off the competition)
women's attraction to men alters throughout their cycle - as does their preference - when they are fertile - they shift to the more neanderthal look - while when they are infertile the softer the features the better - safe men - not worth taking a risk for.
It seems significant that you are the only poster to get a star from kik - I think it's even more significant that it's the answer she so desperately seemed to want - is that how you pull?
but you are like the law
Also let me say - this isn't meant to be in any way ego boosting I have a degree in cognitive psychology and a masters in clinical psychology both unused - I work in the ITC/it sector - because |I'm not suited to therapy
Are you seriously trying to claim that men and women think in the same way - about the same things ...?
If you are - you are a fool ... the physical structure and chemical composition of the two are significantly different - and in cross gender therapy - it's striking how different they start ... and how radically they swing given the correct hormonal/chemical treatments.
having offspring is a risky business ... for women - it's the whole 9 months (for men also - but only when fighting off the competition)
women's attraction to men alters throughout their cycle - as does their preference - when they are fertile - they shift to the more neanderthal look - while when they are infertile the softer the features the better - safe men - not worth taking a risk for.
It seems significant that you are the only poster to get a star from kik - I think it's even more significant that it's the answer she so desperately seemed to want - is that how you pull?
let me also say that my best friend of 51 years is a woman ... a very attractive one at that ... and no I wouldn't - but that's a practical thing.
women aren't intuitive because they want to be ... in part it's because they (we) lived in groups - and for a woman with children - the best tactic is negotiation - and the best negotiators live longest - and raise more kids.
blokes don't have that ... as in many animals - our role is simply passing on the healthiest smartest genes - and we prove that by chest beating
(or wallet beating - amazing how many ugly rich blokes pull beautiful women)
on average we even die sooner - because while it's an advantage for women yo survive and help their daughters ... the best provider is young and at peak fitness ...
ok a night of passion is a good night --- but a rough quickie takes some beating (if you do it right - all parties willing)
Ok so I rarely give straight answers - especially if not doing so illustrates the point - as a "sensitive male" you are a bit of an oddity - don't assume that you are the benchmark
>>>I guess I could feel sorry for them but I don't. Go ahead
>>> young men. Choose your future. Be sure you know
>>>> where you are headed.
a - is it dark with your head up there
b - don't worry about not feeling sorry for the rest of us (very caring, intuitive and emotionally mature of you by-the way - almost a real blokes opinion)
but I can assure you when they choose their futures - they'll follow the examples of the last 100,000 years (as will the women)
women aren't intuitive because they want to be ... in part it's because they (we) lived in groups - and for a woman with children - the best tactic is negotiation - and the best negotiators live longest - and raise more kids.
blokes don't have that ... as in many animals - our role is simply passing on the healthiest smartest genes - and we prove that by chest beating
(or wallet beating - amazing how many ugly rich blokes pull beautiful women)
on average we even die sooner - because while it's an advantage for women yo survive and help their daughters ... the best provider is young and at peak fitness ...
ok a night of passion is a good night --- but a rough quickie takes some beating (if you do it right - all parties willing)
Ok so I rarely give straight answers - especially if not doing so illustrates the point - as a "sensitive male" you are a bit of an oddity - don't assume that you are the benchmark
>>>I guess I could feel sorry for them but I don't. Go ahead
>>> young men. Choose your future. Be sure you know
>>>> where you are headed.
a - is it dark with your head up there
b - don't worry about not feeling sorry for the rest of us (very caring, intuitive and emotionally mature of you by-the way - almost a real blokes opinion)
but I can assure you when they choose their futures - they'll follow the examples of the last 100,000 years (as will the women)
humans are habitual, many men and women cant climax through penetrative sex with a partner because they have masturbated so long that they get into the habit of only climaxing this way
its just a case of finding out your partners habits and trying to change them
your bf is in the habit of fantasisng about other people/scenarios when he is sexually aroused so if you want the relationship to work and have a healthy sexlife you need to break this habit by getting him to fantasise about you!
Try wearing sexy outfits or roleplaying, (depending what turns him on) and then he may stop wanting to watch these deviant movies and think about you
He may be feeling pressure about the way you have sex, if you like hard fast sex where it doesn't matter if he climaxes after 2 minutes then he may be totally different to if you wanted slow sensual meaningful sex, this is when the majority of men think about other things and people to try and stop themselves climaxing too soon
its just a case of finding out your partners habits and trying to change them
your bf is in the habit of fantasisng about other people/scenarios when he is sexually aroused so if you want the relationship to work and have a healthy sexlife you need to break this habit by getting him to fantasise about you!
Try wearing sexy outfits or roleplaying, (depending what turns him on) and then he may stop wanting to watch these deviant movies and think about you
He may be feeling pressure about the way you have sex, if you like hard fast sex where it doesn't matter if he climaxes after 2 minutes then he may be totally different to if you wanted slow sensual meaningful sex, this is when the majority of men think about other things and people to try and stop themselves climaxing too soon
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