what would you do?

[raving-monkey]

Hi im gonna make this as simple as possible so here goes.......
I was snooping on my pc and being a bit of a nosey git, when i stumbled upon an email sent a year ago from my pregnant partner of 6 months, (yes i know and no it was not planned). it was basically a email saying she is the wife of xxxxxxxxxxxxx and csister in law to xxxxxxxxx. I was pretty shocked and brought this up the next day saying are you married or have been, she replied no! Then i asked again and i said please dont lie then she admitted it! She explained that its not what i thought. She said they were together 5 years and when they split up they were still friends, she was telling me that she knew of his situation and married him to keep him in the uk and do him a favour! she says shes going to get the divorce sorted straight away and that it was never proper as it was done purely to help not because she was in a relationship.
I had and still have many mixed emotions and its been a few days and i just dont know what to make of it all, how am i ment to feel? Im thinking we were going to share being married one day as a first time experience for both of us but obviously thats not the case now.
Do you think i can trust her? I just wish she told me from the start so i knew where i stood...
Any views welcome thanks for your time
Rob

[puma86]

Awww Rob, I bet that was a shock.

I don't know what to say.
I would find it very hard to fully trust someone after keeping that from me for 6 months. If she can keep something that big from you what else could she be hiding?! But, I guess it might have been hard for her to tell you something like that if it was as she says, done to help him stay in the UK. She wouldn't have known how you'd react.
I think you could build up the trust again if it’s what you want.

Ultimately it’s up to you :o)

Hope all works out well whatever you decide
Kate

[raving-monkey]

i see what you mean kate im trying to see how she could have found it difficult to tell me, but when would if at all been the right time to tell me?
Do you really think i could build that trust again? x

[kikadoo]

Hi raving-monkey.

As puma said, bet that was defo a shock!

Personally I think she should have told you about it, but, as you mention, when would have been a good time? I would imagine there would have been a time she could have brought it up in the past 6 months you have been together.
Anyway, I would find it very very hard to trust her after that but you know her alot better than I do and only you can figure out if you can trust her again.

I hope everything works out ok and congrats on the baby! :)

[puma86]

Hey Rob,

Yeah I think some people could rebuild the trust. It depends on the person.
Personally I couldn't/wouldn't - only because in the past I found that with some people second chances mean nothing. Also keeping something like being married to someone else a secret is a big thing to hide from a partner. Like kikadoo said in 6 months she should have found the right time to tell you.

But, like I said it would be down to you.

If you decide to move on from this and rebuild the trust then you need to leave the past in the past. You can't bring this up for years to come. If you decide forgive her then that is where it ends. It wouldn't be fair to punish her for the rest of your lives/time together.
Can you do that? If not then i'm sorry but you need to leave.

Good luck with everything
x

[onlyme26]

Poor you

i mean everyone hs a past but something like that she should have told you, its only fair,

hopefully you'll get this sorted and everything be ok, i guess maybe she was just worried you would finish it if she told you xx

[raving-monkey]

just an update if anyone is able to read it, we come on leaps and bounds from this situation. We had a beautiful baby boy which he is 4 months now (and i mean he really is cute) and the divorce papers are still going through, it just takes time. Thanks for all that helped
Rob