Problems in my marriage

[tigwig]

This will go on for a while so I apologise in advance! I would like some advice and to know what others would do in my situation. I have been with my husband since 94 and we have a 3 yr old. Times have been very difficult over the last 18 months. His mum died last year and financially we have been in a terrible state. He is a self employed bricklayer and obviously had time off work last year (unpaid) and since then we have not been able to get on our feet. Christmas and the lousy weather not to mention problems on the building site where he works have meant that he has not being bringing home enough money for us to survive on. I do work but only part time because of our daughter and we have cut back on everything possible including extending our mortgage further. We are fortunate for me to have brilliant parents who have been helping us out as well. So the problem is after returning from our holiday (which we were daft enough to book last year after his mum died and ended up borrowing more money to pay for it) he has hardly been able to work due to more rain and high winds so it has meant we have not had a wage coming in for 4 weeks. My mum and dad have helped us out again and this week we just prayed for good weather so he could work which it was. So I came home from work on Mon to find out he has had a massive row with his boss and ended up walking from his job! I was so angry I have barely spoke to him since and we are trying to act normal in front of our daughter. He has asked his dad for money and is trying to get another job but with no luck yet. We had a row over it last night, he accuses me of been patronising and refuses to apologise for what he has done saying it wasn't his fault! I don't know where to go from here, do I just forget what has happened and make up or do we just carry on not talking and leading seperate lifes or break up all together? Advice needed please! What would you do?

[andrea81]

To be honest, he is probably in his own termoil at the moment and like a lot of men, hold in their emotions. I would imagine he is feeling a lot of pressure and I don't think that arguing is going to achieve much.

If I were you, I would sit down with your hubby and be the voice of reason and make plans for the future, a sort of gathering of strength and a re-group. Maybe he will feel like the problems are a team effort and not just his. Men do take on a lot of emotion on themselves and don't let on!

Make it a "this is OUR plan and what WE are going to do!"

It's hard, but you be positive and pro-active. Good luck and keep posted!

[tigwig]

thanks for your answer andrea. I did come home from work yesterday and sat down to discuss it and honestly thought it would get sorted but he just yelled at me and walked off. He has only ever said sorry once in all the years we have been together and I know his temper is his only fault really. I am far from perfect myself but all I want is for him to see he has been in the wrong over this argument with his boss and apologise for causing not just me but my whole family upset and more stress (as well as himself) At the moment he can't see he is wrong and won't say sorry and will not listen to me without losing his temper

[andrea81]

Well, do you think that deep down he knows he's wrong? My hubby hardly ever says sorry, but I do get the impression a few days after an argument that he knows he was wrong, but he still doesn't say sorry.

I wonder if it's worth just leaving it for a day or so and then put in your mind that he probably does regret what he's done. If he's not going to say sorry then forcing one wont mean anything!

His reaction seems very defensive and I bet that he feels like cr@p and knows what he's put you all through, but saying sorry would be too hard!

I think you all need to move on from this and look to what can be put right from now on! Finding a job being paramount!

x

[sense4all]

Do you live in a reasonably sized town or a wee rural village? If a town go and put a card in the newsagent / shop saying local bricklayer unexpectedly avaliable - and a day rate & see if there are any bites. Better than taking no action, also a few flyers through local doors where there have been improvements, & people look like they are working in stages.

I am sure that your the reason your Hubby had words with his boss in the first place was because he was feeling the pressure of being financially insecure in the first place. Unless he is a serial 'job jacker inner' ,if you get my drift, give the poor sod a chance.

[tigwig]

thanks again, I do deep down want to make up because I do love him. I am sure he is sorry I just want him to say it! The stubborn side of me is saying why should I be the one to make the first move?

[andrea81]

I know, I get like that, I'm as stubborn, and my hubby is too, but after he has said sorry, what then?

I know sometimes its the pricipal of it, but I truly don't think now is the time to 'win' an argument! Leave that for the little arguments!

You sound a lot like me x x x x

[lil123]

Firstly, have you checked you are getting all the benefits you are entitled too? The CAB is a good place to go and also they can help you with debts etc Also you could see if the mortgage company would let you take a payment holiday from your mortgage for a while?
I went through similar after I had my son and couldn't work as much but my story is very long and complicated
I think you really need to talk to each other but when there are so many other things going off it is so easy to forget the simple things and how you really feel.

[tigwig]

quick update! He has finally apologised so we can get back on track just need a job now! Anyone need any building work doing in West Yorkshire?

[Whoever]

There are times in all our lives when, much as we hate it, for our own long term wellbeing, we have to swallow our pride and do the things we least want to do. And now your husband has apologised to you, do you think you could persuade him to go one step further and go and apologise to his boss and ask for his job back?
Your financial position is obviously such that his pride is not going to pay your bills, and you are already falling behind. Could you persuade him that this might be a short term thing until you can get back on your feet financially, and then he can look elsewhere for another job.
As your husband is the main breadwinner, I think he has to take some responsibility to get you back on track, even though this is increasing the pressure on him..
You've both obviously had a rotten time lately and are suffering from a lot of strain but now is not the time for him to give up. If he can't immediately find another secure job I don't see what other options he has. You can go on relying on families to bail you out indefinitely. And given the current credit crunch, I suspect that new building work in West Yorkshire is going to be rather difficult to find. Meanwhile, could you take in a lodger temporarily to help you pay your bills, or perhaps do some other home -based work like dog walking, ironing, etc.?

[tufty7]

If he cannot get a job doing building, there is always labouring and other task's on a site, he needs to prove himself at whatever level to show anybody what he can do , Failing that there is always work at an airport doing parcels/courier work and the like, perhaps not ideal and not what he wants but needs must when we have to , best of luck , be positive and look to the future, dont get too fixated on the present , just be positive and re assure him it will be ok whatever you are feeling inside and that will lift him and give him confidence to achieve , best of luck

[Velvetee]

Sounds like your husband may be depressed Tigwig, unfortunately men often deal with grief very differently to women. Coupled with losing his mother, he probably hasn't had the opportunity to grieve, but is still expected to remain in control and provide for his family.

It's a very difficult situation, especially with the added money problems. Someone once told me relationships are like two people in a rowing boat, if one can't row anymore, then the other one has to take over or both get nowhere. I'm not saying you are being unsupportive Tigwig, but maybe you need to take the oars and some of the pressure off your husband and maybe look towards getting more hours at work. I know you have a young child, but perhaps your family can help out with childcare, until your hubby is back on his feet.

[tigwig]

thanks for your further answers. thankfully he has got another job now that starts next week. I only wish I could work more hours myself but my mum already looks after my little girl 2 days and also looks after my sister's kids so is unable to do any more and of course I can't afford to pay for childcare. unfortunately we have never been entitled to any benefits in the past with my hubby been self employed so I don't think we would now

[LeonaConnor]

If he continue yelling at you for no reason, then I don't see the reason of saving that marriage. You can work out thing only when you talk to each other, and we he continue to behave himself that way, there's no way that everything will work out. Maybe, it's better to live separate for some time. As I've said, if you're mutual on your idea of breaking up, maybe there's no point of saving marriage only for your daughter. I'll leave some useful link in the description if you'll decided on what to do next, remember - that you have so stay strong for your own sake and the sake of your daughter!
Marriage and family counseling - https://www.onlinecounselling.com
Divorce forms and documents - https://onlinedivorcer.com