Give him a chance?

[station4]

I left my husband of 6 years in April due to his lack of help around the house. He used to go fishing all the time and leave me with the children. I would come home from work he would be watching television. Basically a lazy G*T. He would also be very violent never hitting me but smashing doors with his fist and driving off in the car for hours whilst I at home with the children crying and not knowing if he dead or alive. He knew I unhappy and just kept saying that he end up a lonely old man. Last straw was him smashing door infront of my daughter and sitting my 6 year old son down saying it was his responsibiltiy to find daddy a new home cos mummy doesnt want him anymore. Anyway since then I have probably had numerous texts and phone calls begging me to come home. I just feel that due to his behavour i just don't find him attractive. but he says that because we have been together since we were about 13 and am now 30. I owe him one chance? He is going to anger management but I just don't know how I can go back? All my family just say is NO you are not going back? He says he can't live without me? What if he does something stupid?? at the end of the day he is father to my kids??????? HELP!

[jno]

what makes you or him think you owe him anything at all? You don't. Your family is right. Your duty is to your kids, not to a violent man who tries to manipulate them. For their sake if not yours, stay away from him. If he does something stupid that is HIS RESPONSIBILITY NOT YOURS. Think of your kids and take what help you can get from your family. Good luck.

[annie0000]

It sounds like he has mental health problems and is not coping well - that can be very difficult to live with, but you really don't owe anyone anything.

Did he find it hard to cope with the children?

I think that it would be a mistake to go back now, but that's not to say you wont feel differently later.

If he seeks appropriate help, you may rediscover why you fell in love with him in the first place.

Why don't you try a middle ground, where you maitain your own space but have increased contact - e.g. family days out etc. This might allow you to assess how serious he is about changing/getting treatment and also allow you to set down some ground rules about what you would expect to happen for you to move back and if and when you moved back.

I do believe that some people just don't cope well with family life when it is at its most difficult stage. He also seems to have quite solitary hobbies, so that may be part of his personality, or it just may not help when you want him to be a bit more sociable.

You are right that he is the father to your children, and that means that it may be appropriate for you to try to establish a healthy relationship between them for the future regardless of what happens, but this does not bind you to him as a partner in a loveless relationship.

[annie0000]

Also, another tip that we use. If you get fed up with him not doing anything and don't feel that you should be on his back all the time, make a rota of chores together that is based on fair allocation and giving some choice about who does what. Some people just like having it set down for them. I honestly believe that guys just don't see that a room is messy in the same way that we do. My OH will quite happily empty the dishwasher and do the ironing, but would never notice if the stairs needed a hoover!

[confused79]

It does also seem to me that he may have some mental health problems i.e depression that he really needs to deal with.

You need to ask yourself about the attraction to him, you say you are nto attracted to him as of how he has been.

All well and good he is getting help which is good, but dont kid yourself into thinking yuo can get back together. He has done things that are totally wrong especially sitting your son down and saying its his responsibility to find him somewhere to live, that is terrible your son will blame himself and go through so much he will need couuncelling himself bless him.

I have tried to sort my marraige out for the 'sake of my kids' but i have found that it does not work like that, at the end of the day beign with someone for the sake of the kids does not do them any favours, 'you' need to be happy too in order for them to be happy, i tried it and it did not work i had lost all my feelings for him and was not happy as much as i tried i couldnt do it, they are much happier now, seeing me happier, staying together for kids sake does not work.

Let him go and get help you concentrate on yourself and the children, ignor his texts about getting back together dont blame yourself worrying if he will do something stupid, he will say things like this trying to make you feel guilty, he has to deal with this and he cannot play the guilt trip with you.

[Reverandfunk]

You would be mad to have him back in your life. No-one deserves to be treated like that and the old chestnut "but I've changed/will change" yeah right.

[aims1202]

annie is totally right.
My auntie and uncle's relationship was like this for a long time, it was my auntie who had the mental health problems/deppression and behaved in a similar way to your husband. I know my uncle put up with a lot for along time, they have 3 children. They did split up for a while and my auntie eventually got the help she needed, it took a long time and i'm sure its still hard for her but they did get back together in the end and now it is very different. Their youngest boy has been affected by what happened and does have his own problems but they are caring parents who want to do their best for him and i think he will be ok. Its not always the case, some people cant/wont change but if your husband does then it could work for you both. Good luck.

[fanuel chare]

Eish this is kind of tricky.There are so many questions that if possible i will ask for example,where was he all along You must do what you feel is okey because in life you need a partner.i feel you must sit down and discuss with your man.If he drinks he must at least reduce the hubit and concetrate on his family.You must also look presentable all the time,iam also a man i know what iam saying.

BUT if you think he cannot change please dont go because you might get another problem.The choice is yours mind you,you need a patner in your life

[HJT40]

I lived with someone who was basically the same. "worked" from home, but could phone to ask answers to quizzes on the radio from a friends house, didn't have time to wash up cups because he was working, fell asleep on the sofa every night, left me to look after his son on the weekends when he had access, refused to do the shopping because I paid for it, he paid for the rent etc etc. and would stand two inches away from my face and shout at me. He would also walk downstairs and tellhis son that I was talking out of my ar*e again. It took me time, but I went, we did try again for a while living apart, but I knew he would revert to his old self, he always did.

Please think about it, but I think you are strong enough to move on. Not only is it affecting your life, but that of your son. My daughter still remembers things that happened when we lived with my ex, even though he wasn't her dad. Things do get better when you are on your own. Please don't think that this is all you are worth, you are worth so much more and it is better to be on your own than with the wrong person.

Sorry to waffle on but I see so much of me here and I am so much better on my own!

Good luck babex

[Elizabeth ll]

I would rethink returning to him, he needs to get his anger under control first. If he shows he is willing to get councelling and actually goes thru with it then you can visit , but to put your children in that situation is not a good idea. He is an adult, he needs help. Your children need you to protect them at this point. Your family may see things you do not, do not let him guilt you into coming back, do what your instincts tell you, protect your children. It sounds like he is a little immature, he needs to recognize that.

[Ice-Maiden]

He's been mentally cruel, physically violent - and you don't find him attractive. Why would you even consider having a man like this back in your life? If he has problems, then he needs to sort himself out, but i think you and your children deserve much better.