Blame the Parents

[pjm007]

I watched a programme on BBC2 last night called 'Blame the parents' and quite frankly, according to what i saw last night, i do ! How can the parents possibly expect thier children to be nice when they communicate with them by using foul language, shouting and from what i saw some physical abuse ?   Also the so-called condition ADHT as far as i'm concerned is just an excuse for children and parents to behave in this way. Does anyone agree ?

[sunflower68]

I agree with you totally pjm. How can any child be bought up with some hope of a decent future when what they are being is 'dragged up' with the same low moral standards as their parents, which is virtually all they know.'Scuse the poor English but I'm on a rant, innit.

  I get sick and tired of parents on these shows putting the blame on their kids.  I know that ADHT is a big problem and that many parents try so hard to put their kids right.  However I work in a class of 6 severely ADHD kids and am fed up with trying to get them even a little better when I get little or no co operation from home.  Don't even get me started on their junk food diet and the 'they won't eat anything else' mentality.

[ajcmum]

I too watched this programme, and in part I agree with you.  However, I have a 13 year old son who is diagnosed with ADHD - not "so-called ADHT".  This is not just an excuse for children and parents to behave in this way.  It is a proven neuroligical condition.  Not because they have a junk food diet.

The families on this programme do have problems, and a lot of the problems are down to bad parenting.  However, I am fed up with people with your attitude to ADHD kids.  It is a REAL condition, just like asthma or epilepsy. Do you have the same attitude to these children? 

Your attitudes and lack of knowledge in this subject cause this sort of reaction from parents who live in the "perfect world" with their "perfect children"

Please think about what you say, especially when you are not qualified to comment on it 

[nrmatth]

I think she wasn't trying to put anyone down with kids that have ADHD. But the medical community does admit that ADHD is the common scapegoat for unruly kids who most commonly grow up in unruly households. The families who for whatever reason (too lenient, ignorant, uneducated in parenting, too lax in discipline,abusive, etc) end up with troubled kids, and decide it must be ADHD and give the kid a drug for it, have pretty much made the disorder a popular excuse for doctors to use to "fix" a child that should probably be learning to deal with their emotions. This also makes it hard for parents with loving, secure, and properly disciplined homes to feel validated when their children genuinely have ADHD or ADD and benefit from medication. They get catorgarized as lazy parents who sedate their kids with drugs when it's not true. And other parents who just don't have the time or education to properly raise their children are giving drugs to children who don't need it and doctors are letting them because this is such a hard condition to diagnose and it "fixes" the kid in the long run. My brother and my mother have ADD and medication has benefitted both of them. At the same time they both have exceptionally high IQ's but just don't have the correct balance in their brains to keep their thoughts organized or actions in synch with their thoughts. The result is frustration and acting out. I think doctors should take the responsibility to make sure their diagnoses are genuine and parents should be more educated about the disorder before they decide their kids have it. And people should be more open minded and closed mouthed before they stereotype these kids. but that's a perfect world, in which we are not in. But in this case I don't think it was meant as an insult, just someone who is frustrated with ADHD being used as an excuse.

[pjm007]

ajcmum, I'm sorry if i upset you in any way, but i am entitled to comment on anything i like, regardless whether i'm qualifyed or not.  

[netibiza]

I was a nursery school teacher and believe me the kids learn from their parents - I had to do my best to put them straight without appearing to degrade their parents, but luckily I could point things out to these parents and in those days parents were not too abusive to those in authority. 

[cupcake]

I have a seven year old son with DCD (Developmental co-ordination disorder)and part of this condition is ADD. He is also dyslexic, has dyspraxia and has Asperger's Syndrome. I am well aware that people like pmj007 'blame the parents' but until 2 years ago(when he was diagnosed) I didn't understand anything about my son's condition. Unless you have a child with a behavioural disorder you will have no idea how frustrating it can be just to try and do simple everyday things. I still go through days when I feel a failure as a parent;something which is not helped by this type of attitude. Please remember pjm007 that we are not all equipped with your seemingly perfect parenting abilities!

[ajcmum]

nrmatth has hit the nail on the head when he said that people should be more open minded and closed mouthed before they stereotype.  Also, there is a need for a lot more education regarding this condition. This education relates to the medical profession as well as "joe public".

I was having a bad day when I wrote my reply, but still stick by my comments.   I get so fed up of peoples attitude towards me and my child, when at the end of the day he has a medical condition.

[pjm007]

As nrmatth says, we don't live in a perfect world, and never will do. I wouldn't go so far as to say that i'm a perfect parent, but I am proud of the fact that I don't behave in the same way as the parents in this programme did. As for ADHD, I would say that some of the children diagnosed with this condition haven't all been given the correct prognosis, and as nrmatth says, because it is 'a hard condition to diagnose', doctors and parents alike are doing the 'stereotyping' themselves as a way to make excuses for the badly behaved children who are acting in such a way that they are actually being used as scapegoats and fall into the 'not wasting everyones time' category. Again I apologise if I've offended anyone.

[Jooleebobs]

I caught the last 10 mins of this programme. I have not seen it before so I don't know if the series follows the same group of parents each week. I was absolutely gobsmacked by the last couple who were screaming and shouting at other in front of the two young girls who only looked about 5 or 6. The parents also seemed oblivious to the camera crew - the father actually hit the mother who then hit him back, then she threw a tantrum in the kitchen and tried to smash the fridge. She then threw a glass mug at him which smashed all over the floor and one of the children cut her foot on it. As a woman who was desperate for a child but had infertility issues and had to resort to IVF (fortunately it worked and I have a gorgeous 8 month old son) it really angers me to see these people with kids who obviously don't know how to cherish and care for them properly. I just feel really sorry for the kids as you can just tell what sort of cr*p life they have and sadly are probably going to end up the same sort of parent themselves. 

[ajcmum]

pjm007 it is a very hard condition to diagnose, it took six years to get my son diagnosed as ADHD and a further three years for him to be dx as ODD. 

I am also proud that I dont act in the way some of the parents in this programme behave.  I (and everyone who knows me) consider myself to be a good, caring mum. It just saddens and annoys me when people jump to conclusions.  All I want to say is that a lot of children diagnosed with this, genuinely have it, and it is the likes of people on programmes like this that causes a lot of people to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Did anyone see Horizon a few weeks ago? This portrayed the condition much more correctly and sympathetically.

jooleebobs, I totally agree with everything you say.  It breaks my heart when I see children in that sort of environment. Some people just dont realise or appreciate just how lucky they are having children.  I can assure you, nothing like that happens in my house.

[OBonio]

"it took six years to get my son diagnosed as ADHD"

Sorry, this sounds really bad.  For six years you knew better than your doctor and kept taking your son back?

[jocasey]

my eleven year old son has adhd. and no he doesnt behave like the children in blame the parents.his main problems are concentration and severe hyperactivity to the point where he sleeps for only a few hours a night.for my son to be diagnosed with adhd he had to see 3 different doctors, was given lots of tests, the doctors asked for a report from his teachers at his school,and information on what he is like at home.it wasnt just a case of popping to our gp and getting a diagnosis.i also have three daughters who have no problems at all.i got so upset watching the blame the parents programme, how can these parents treat thier children this way, swearing and hitting!.your kids will only give you the behaviour and respect that you give to them.

[Roo 66]

My feeling is that programmes like this are NOT very helpful! They do not highlight the true issues surrounding such a complicated condition.

Because ADHD IS a complicated neurological condition, it is often very misunderstood, like epilepsy was not that many years ago!

You have an entitlement to comment but NOT to pass judgement on those of us who struggle to cope with our wonderful children who have a serious problem. It is NOT our fault that they have ADHD. We, as parents, can help them by getting them diagnosed and then managing behaviours either with or without the use of medication and specific behaviour management techniques.

I do NOT condone physical chastisement of children of any age but I can understand how children with behavioural problems can push the parents over the edge. Instead of passing judgement, support should be offered!

[ajcmum]

OBonio I am not saying I know better than the doctors, nor that I kept going back until I got him diagnosed.  Getting a child diagnosed with ADHD is a very complicated and lengthy process.

I knew there was something "wrong" with my child from a very early age.  What sort of parent would I be if I didnt help him to lead a better life?  Now he does have the dx and is on the right medication, his life and that of his family, is so much better

[LizM1965]

I have a 12 year son who was diagnosed with ADHD and those of you have have 'normal' kids should count yourself lucky. My son was diagnosed at 6, when my health visitor had enough of his reception teacher tellingm e every day how naughty he was. AND it was actually his ex nursery nurse who brought it to her attention as I believed it was something I had done. I don't swear at my son and I try to ignore the bad and praise the good, but unless your in our situation you cannot comment. Everybody in this day and age seem to judge every one elses parenting skills WHY??? Because these kids look normal it is assumed that they are well try living with one and their demands especially whenm you have a younger child who is 'normal' whatever that may be.