lazy son

[fatpike]

my son is 20 years of age and is painfully lazy , i'm disabled and are awaiting an operation my wife works 50-60 hrs per week he does,nt work his room is a mess if you ask him to do anything he either moans or says he will do it in a minute , he is on the whole a good lad never in trouble ,polite but i worried about him he is18 stone smokes has very low self asteem he's never has a girlfriend i don't want to push him to much as he is the sensitive type but something has to change soon

[andy-hughes]

This is wrong parenting.

Your son has grown up in an atmosphere where he doesn';t have to contribute to the home in which he lives, and at his agem, that is unacceptable.

Sit him down, and have a quiet conversation. Confirm that from now on, he behaves like the adult he is, and contributes to the home in which he lives.

He will clean his room from now on. He will pay one third of his benefits as a bargain rate for the comfort and services he enjoys. The first time he fails to pay, his meals stop until he pays up. He must learn to use the washer, and take over the laudry for the home, and the changing of bed linen for his and your beds.

This has to happen, simply because you are not going to be there for ever, and at the moment, he is totally unequipped to live in the world on his own, which he wil have to do one day. You are not being kind by letting him liv e as though he is still ten years of age.

Take control, it's the only way to proplerly love your son.

[smudge]

Well said Andy.

[fatpike]

i really agree with you andy but there are other forces at work i.e my wifes parents whom he can't do wrong a couple of years ago due to his lazziness we threw him out this was meant as a short sharp shock but his grandparents did'nt see it like that and did'nt speak to us for over a year which suited me fine but it was not fair on my lovely wife so i've stuck my head in but as i said i'm waiting for a op and are on cruches i try 2 help out as much as i can ,cooking tiding up putting dishes in the dishwasher!!!we did have words yesterday when i was up at 8.00am tidying up b4 going 2 physiohe did'nt get up untill 12.30 then sat on the computer with the excuse he was on a job site but yet again no jobs nothing at all so i said he must be out of the house by 9am which he failed to do after taking nearly an hour to have breakfast and have a **** ,pardon my french ,but this is doing my head in thank for your comments

[andy-hughes]

Hello fatpike thanks for the additioanl information, which does put a different slant on things - including my reply.

I see we think the same on this - if your wife's parents think it is their business to the point where there is a rift, then so be it. No-one tells me how to raise my children - including my parents and in-laws. i wouldn;t make a fight over it, but i wouldn;t back down either - the home has to be run for the benefit of the three of you, not your in-laws.

I can see how frustratring this must be for ytou, but you and your wifde must agree to stick with the 'tough love' regime - it's the only way your son will learn. If he doesn't like it, he will have to find alternativev accomodation - paid for by a job.

He has life far to easy for his own good - and yours. He is taking advantage of your good nature, and it's time to call a halt.

Good luck.

[smudge]

fatpike - after reading your question & Andy's first reply, I wrote 'Well said Andy' as I couldn't add anything further.

However, after reading your second post, I really do sympathise with you & your wife. I do hope things improve for you & that your son soon realises the errors of his ways.

[rampart]

He is 20 and still at home...well, there are several ways to approach this.

At first thought, I should think that since he is over the age of 18, he should be free to make his own decisions about his room, the same as if he rented a room at a house other than that of his parents. As long as his mess does not impact the common areas of the home, then his mess within his room is fine.

Based on your comments, it sounds to me as though his laziness stems from depression. Why is he living at your home and not working? Did he agree to stay home to assist with your needs as a result of your disabilities?

No job, no girlfriend, no energy - I think this son of yours is terribly sad inside. More important than the condition of his room is the condition of his soul. What do you think it is?

[gessoo]

Very, very wise words from Rampart. I was about to add something very similar, but there is no need, Rampart said all I wanted to say. This young man is showing signs of real depression. Is there someone he trusts implicitly outside of the family that can talk to him. He needs help and nagging is not the answer.

[smudge]

Meant to say fatpike - I also agree with Andy's second answer. Take care!

[fatpike]

well as i said in my first post my son does suffer with low self esteem some of it is down to the way he see's his self ginger hair his size 18 stone + all we have tried to address i paid for him to pass his driving test hoping this would give him a lift and spur him on to get a job and put acar on the road .as for nagging probably not enogh he doesNOT help out today i fell after trying to get sheets out of the drier no this was my fault not his but it would be nice as his pays no keep yes he has issues but don't we all he'sbeen protected for to long time for the real world now

[noxlumos]

If you want the situation to improve for all of you then what is clearly severe depression in your son needs sorting out. If he's depressed it's not that he WON'T do things, it's that he really CAN'T. I appreciate that the situation is very, very hard for you and sympathise a great deal but it won't improve by making him feel even worse about himself. Try and persuade him to see his Dr, partly about his weight problem and partly about his depression. I think once those are being dealt with you might all find a change.I really hope this works out well for you all.

[lion heart]

I know it will be hard but you need to give him a shock tell him to buck up or get out! Hes not doing you any favours by the sound of it you dont need any more crap in your life you need to look after you and your wife, Sorry if that sounds harsh but that is how life is!

[gessoo]

I am no expert, but I have first hand experience. I seriously believe your son is depressed. As Noxlumus has said it's not that he won't do things, but that he can't. This will be causing him tremendous problems and he must be worried sick about things. There are a lot of depressed young people around, more so than ever - lots of them with low self-esteem because they to not conform to 'the norm'. He is obviously a quiet sensitive chap and must be aware of his weight problem and has probably been teased about his hair. There might be other issues that are seriously worrying him. His lack of self esteem is the major problem.

He may not feel able to talk to you or your wife about his problems, even if you are very close. But try to have a relaxed conversation with him when the moment seems right, to tell him how worried you are about him. He probably knows this and will be very well aware of how he is affecting you and your wife. Try and find out what he is interested in and have a genuine chat about it. Try to get to know this 'new' adult who is completely strange to you now. Keep the chat friendly and don't talk at him, talk to him.

He would seem to need professional help to get him 'on track' again. Can you talk to your doctor about this, he might have some good suggestions? Making demands or throwing him out will not solve anything, only make the three of you more unhappy.

And please don't worry about his untidy room - it's his space and he is an adult. If he is comfortable with it then what's the problem. Just don't go in there!

I feel so sorry for your family, and wish you all the luck in the world.

[metagirl]

something about your post fatpike reminds me of You are what you eat - that TV programme on channel 4. Your diet and the amount of activity you do really effects your mood and sense of well being. You need to employ some tough love and:

1. have him see a DR about his health/weight and get him on a diet
2. Make HIM pay to join a gym or sporting club
3. stop buying him things like his drivers license - you are only making it easier for him to stay isolated and depressed
4. You need outside help - get his friends involved in getting him out and active
5. Make him keep his room tidy - a messy room will make anyone depressed.
6. He needs to spend at least 2-3 hours a day looking for a job

From your posts it seems as if you are feeling a bit hopeless and depressed yourself. If you are both in a muddle, I'm afraid it will be even more difficult for you two to conjure up the energy that these proactive measures will require.

[smudge]

I agree with your comments metagirl, especially No. 5. It's so true - I can't work in what people term as organised chaos! I have a little plaque hanging on my kitchen wall which reads:

MESS CREATES STRESS

I remember our youngest daughter as a teenager, going through the untidy, messy bedroom phase - she is now married & is totally the opposite. We often have a giggle at how clean & tidy her house is!

[fatpike]

well here's some good news our son has found a job he starts mon the said he needs to be smartly turned out and he seems to be upbeat he's been talking about getting up early and driving hopfully this job will work out and give him and us a much needed lift

[gessoo]

I can honestly say that I think most lads in the late teens early twenties are not particularly bothered about the state of their rooms. Have you ever been in a student house shared by five or six lads. They just don't consider it important. When my son shared a house the lounge was always fairly tidy but their individual rooms were certainly not!

I don't see how you can make a 20 year old man tidy his room, unless he is a big wimp! His rooms neatness should not concern anyone but him. He may well tidy it up when an important young lady arrives on the scene. Who knows.

I am really pleased about your news fatpike. I am sure your son will soon be feeling better about things and life will become easier for your family.

[smudge]

Hi fatpike - I am really pleased to hear your son starts work on Monday - what brilliant news for you all.

Gessoo - I do understand what you are saying about lads sharing a house. Having said that, my brothers used to keep their rooms tidyish & they were far from wimps - they were in the Army & the Royal Navy fighting for Queen & Country! They all went on to get married & have families of their own.....

[gessoo]

Smudge. I think you misunderstood my posting. I said that you can't make a 20 year old tidy his room unless he is a big wimp. I meant that I can't see a 20 year old being made to do anything by a parent unless they are a bit wimpish. I never meant that a young man who keeps his room tidy is a wimp! I only wish mine did, but it's his room and at 20 he wouldn't appreciate being told to tidy it. Funnily enough he was extremely tidy until he left home for three years.

I would be angry though if he didn't respect our house rules in the rest of the house.

Hope I have cleared that up. I didn't mean to offend anybody. :o(

[gessoo]

and I don't tidy his room either, heaven forbid. I would point out that he is very capable of looking after himself after being away for such a long time, but assures me that he can't see the point of tidiness when there are more important things in life. When he finally sets up a home of his own he will more than likely think differently! At present he says he enjoys the clutter!

Sorry to go off track fatpike.

[metagirl]

hi gesso I think you you can get a 20 yr old to keep his room tidy. It's called "respect" for your parents.

I am a traditionally messy/cluttered person but whenever I happen to stay at my mother's I always make sure I keep my room tidy - because I know she likes it that way.