Adoption

[Rockrose]

We are seriously thinking about giving adoption another shot, especially as one of their major objections have gone and the other is to follow shortly.
However, when talking about it last time the family was all together, my beloved MIL stated that 'it would never be a grandchild of mine and I could never treat it as so'
Obviously the SIL and BIL turned round and told her rubbish the child would be their niece or nephew and out child so should not be treated differently but she was adamant - it would not be her grandchild!
My husband and I are now concerned that this could scupper our chances at finally being parents.
Such a shame - you would think she would be happy for us to do such a thing - my father is over the moon at the possibility of becoming a grandpappy.
I suppose the question is - is it fair to bring a child into a family where the matriarch feels like this (even if we pass the strict SS vetting)
Your thoughts please.

[hc4361]

It absolutely is worth giving a child a loving home. If your mother doesn't change her attitude she will be the one losing out.

[bednobs]

Yes it is. As far as dysfunction goes this is mild compared to what a child up for adoption has probably already experienced

[spathiphyllum]

You have to weight the positives to the negatives.. One moody grandmar or distant grandmar but loving family is worth much more than having no family at all. The biggest factor is yours and your other halfs commitment to the child as it's you two who are important and it's you who will be the most important figures, the defining factor as you could say :)

[hellywelly4]

My husband was adopted in 1938 and was accepted by all the extended family with much love. I feel sad about your MIL, and would just ignore her comments. When she sees the child I'm sure she will change her mind. Incidentally - do you really treat her as a matriarch? Seems an unusual thing to do these days. (No offence meant).
How could she scupper your plans? Do the adoption people ask the next generation?

[Mamyalynne]

You must go ahead, definitely.

[JJ109]

Of course it is!
I assume that you will tell the child that they are adopted and so there will be no deception with the child. Provided that you and your other half show love to the child, then one other dissenting family member will not make any difference.

How many children are loved by ALL members of an extended family, whether they are natural, step children or adopted.

You and your other half are the two most important and MIL is well down the line! When she gets to know the child she may also change her attitude!

[Cloverjo]

Do go ahead. It will be your MIL's loss. The child will have much to gain.

[kvalidir]

Yes, in the world of 'natural families' there are all sorts of dysfunctional individuals who are members and don't behave the way one might wish them to, and you just have to to some extent shield the child where appropriate and use that person as a learning device where appropriate, difficult though that might be. Go for it RR, make it happen for yourselves, it's a scenario we might go down one day, and we're dysfunctional as feck so that might never be possible, but I think if you are strong, stable and able to offer a child a good home life and plenty of love and understanding it'd be a crying waste for that not to happen because someone has tried to scupper that for you. Give it all your fight and good luck x

[anneasquith]

This grandmother will not live forever.

[Rockrose]

Lol Helly absolutely not but it is what she thinks she is!
The adoption process here in NI take the family and their opinions into consideration unfortunately even if she is several hundred miles away!

[hellywelly4]

Sorry, didn't know you were in Ireland. I understand now!! Just ignore her.

[Rockrose]

lol annea I have been saying that for 22 years of marriage!!

[andy-hughes]

If your husband feels strongly that he wants to adopt, then he has to make the choice about whether his relationship with his mother continues at all, or if it can be adapted to allow for his new family member, in view of her proposed position.

He should give her time to think over whether her initial reaction is the one she wishes to proceed with, and not simply a heat-of-the-moment response, and then talk to her about the way forward.

I stopped my relationship with my mother for over six years because she would not accept my choice to be with someone with children, and even though our relationship was nominally restored, it was never the same up until her death.

I never regretted my decision, and she lost out on years of love and affection from our two - and then three- daughters, whom she didn't see because of her stance.

[Rockrose]

Thank you Andy

[ParsleyDumpling]

I would say that her statement speaks more about her than anything else. You have written in the past about her attitude and behaviour to you (in particular), so I wonder even if you had a child naturally would she accept it. I would definitely go down the adoption route, how could you deny a child the possibility of a loving home because of one bitter woman? To be honest, given the way she treats and speaks to you I am surprised that you even consider her opinion at all.
If she want's nothing to do with a prospective grandchild then fine, I see it as her loss. I certainly wouldn't wait for her to accept the situation, she seems to almost enjoy the fact that she can inflict so much "pain" (not the right word, but you know what I mean) into your lives, and that you actually humour her. I hope it doesn't affect your chances of adoption should you chose to do so. I would say love is more about quality than quantity and, by the sounds of it any child you might hopefully adopt will certainly have loving uncles, aunties and one grandparent, that is sometimes more than natural children have.
I would concentrate on what is right for you and your husband, and brush off her remarks as those of a bitter and jealous woman.
I wish you every success if you do decide to adopt, it is not always an easy decision to make.

[woofgang]

Is she seriously your beloved MIL or was that sarcasm? I have no comment to make about fairness but I think you should consider how you both would feel if this led to a complete rift between you and MIL and therefore potentially other family members who might take her side if it came to a split. What I do not think would be fair would be to allow your MIL to be around an adopted child and to express her poisonous views. I wish you well with your decision.

[ParsleyDumpling]

I have just read your reply about the wider family being taken into account. In this case I agree with andy-hughes in that maybe it is time for your husband to decide if he wants his mother in his life, even though she clearly does not want him to feel and experience the unconditional love of a child, surely something that she has had with her own children??

[ummmm]

Tell her to bog off.

[spathiphyllum]

In my experiences people of a certain age can be suborn or "set in their ways". Once the adopted child is in the family(IF), the MIL will feel left out, and i'm sure her opinions will change. She may even become his best friend

[maggiebee]

You have so much to gain by giving a child a loving home - I would say go ahead.