Jealousy

[lala]

I am a thirty three year old, attractive female who has become slightly overweight. All the women I seem to make friends with are absolutely gorgeous and admired by 99% of the male population. To my shame, I can not bear the attention they get, as it makes me feel invisible and ugly, although I hold no resentment againts them personally. My jealousy and bitterness is getting unbearable, and I have lost my sex drive permanently as a result (which is ruining my relationship) - what can i do?

[Lennon]

Is it your weight that is getting you down? Have you tried to loose weight or join a gym? You need to work out what it is that bothers you about yourself and then you can work on it. It sounds really corny but as soon as you learn to like yourself and feel good about yourself, it'll show on the outside and you'll feel better around other people. Or maybe talk to these women that you are friends with, as you say that you don't resent them personally - have a girly night and ask each of them what they don't like about themselves or what they would change if they could. I guarantee that they will give you at least 3 answers each - things that you wouldn't have noticed about them, and that might make you lose any jealousy.

[Janetx]

It is sad that so many women still suffer this way. You need to work on your mind, not your body. Learn to accept yourself and others and you will be happier and a better person for others to be around. You'll be amazed how many will envy your self-assurance.

[froggequene]

To me it sounds like you're fundamentally very unhappy, you can lose the weight, you can have a makeover, change your image but you may still be unhappy, I am speculating here, and if we were face to face you might want to slap me, but I think from what little you've written that perhaps you're also unhappy in your relationship. I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your partner about the things that you have been bothering you.

[xyzzyplugh]

janetx, how sexist.. you think men got it made in the shade? (slip of the pen, probably - forgiven) :-)

Lala.. as has been mentioned, it's all in the mind - change your self perception, work on that. You can be who you want to be. True. Look at Lisa Riley; she began '..Framed' as an insecure fatto, these days she's polished and appealing, purely through demeanour, self esteem and persistence. Then look at Jo Brand; good grief! her demeanour is still awful because she believes herself to be. She has a 'surface confidence' but deep within she self loathes; as illustrated by her 'humour' IMO. :-)

[lala]

All of these answers are very suportive, thank you. bar I do love my husband very very much: I still fancy and love him and he me, but I find I can only feel sexually aroused if I believe I am sexy and appealing which I once used to and now don't. I am unhappy for this reason, and also, no doubt because I am frustrated with the way my career or lack of it . I agree with janetx: it IS sad, and wrong that many women hate themselves and resent other women because they are made to feel like they don't 'measure' up.

[KARL]

It sounds like you recognise a serious problem affecting your life. Although I suspect there is justification for the often uttered remark "I never knew a shrink who didn't need one", you should perhaps consider discussing your situation with someone well qualified to explain to you what you can do to overcome your difficulties. Allied to that, or possibly as a first step, you should go to your local library and read up on jealousy. Also consider discussing this with your GP in general terms (he/she would almost certainly be the first stage in seeing a specialist of some kind). Stick with the NHS at first, do not let yourself be tempted into paying money for "solutions". It is important for you to gain a balanced perspective of reality and your intelligence is all you really need to keep your emotions within proper bounds - it is in this is where people sometimes need help. Best of luck (don't let the weight issue assume serious importance - for the record, I prefer women who are significantly heavier than the current magazine standard).

[spacebaby]

Please don't try to get too down about your weight. I'm a nutritionist who used to be huge, and I've got a real heart for people who are overweight. It might be good to start refocussing some of the attention that you're giving to feeling overweight. Start to get angry with it, rather than upset, and put this anger into action. Tackle the facts head on; portion sizes are getting massive and people are inactive. Unless we all buck the trend, we're all going to be overweight. I still put on weight. It's really hard work to stay slim. It takes a lot of effort! Unless we all keep a check on your diet and fitness, we're all doomed! Studies are showing that there are more overweight men in the UK than there are overweight women, but when women get down, they tend to let themselves go and so there are more obese women. That's why you're in a great position to start some positive action now. Reverse the trend, get healthy, and you're sure to be more happy in the long run. THE BEST OF LUCK to you!

[quattro]

You are just going through a bad patch in your life right now and it is manifesting itself in this way you have let things get on top of yourself and youre depressed .I'm sure if you step back and take a look at yourself you'll see things are not as bad as you think its just hard to get out of that depressive feeling and the sex drive is the first thing to go you are the only person that can get youself out of it its only a moment in time and it will pass .

[charlottemis]

Ah...I feel your pain. Imagine having a younger sister who is taller, weighing about 108 tops,who just got a boob job ,and has natural strawberry blonde hair! I can be feeling great until I'm around her and then I feel like chopped liver. We all add extra pounds as we age,although some are certainly more blessed then others...but what is important for you to know,is that it doesnt really make you any less attractive. What you need to do now,is to find a way to make yourself feel good again. Color your hair,buy some new sexy clothes that flatter your slightly bigger size,and just remember,YOU ARE SEXY! Indulge yourself doing something that makes you feel good...and you will feel your sex drive return.About your friends...what is they have that you think you dont? Guranteed they are jealous over something you have as well too~maybe a better relationship? I'm not one to advocate plastic surgery,but if it will make you feel better,lots of people do it. What you need to work on first is the inside...maybe go to therapy and find out what else may be bothering you. We all feel like this from time to time~no one like to be jealous...just try not to let it run your life,and if all else fails,maybe take a break from these gorgoues friends until you feel good about yourself again. Good luck to you!