What do I do?

[TopCat1]

My husband and I havent spoke in 5 days, He is a good man. I am 6 weeks pregnant and very very ill, so he gets up in the night with our daughter and in the mornings to let me have the 10 minute lie in. He does the washing, and tries (unsuccessfully:-) to keep the house tidy and I am extremely grateful for this. But something awful has happened. I've been vomitting constantly and he doesnt seem to have any sympathy or tenderness for me, and on Friday night, he had a lads night out planned (he only goes out every couple of weeks), but I am very very ill, to the point I couldnt get off the sofa, and had been vomitting all day, this made me very upset and I basically broke my heart all afternoon. I told him I could do with him staying in, and he basically, slammed about, grumpy, saying he doesnt see why he should stay in, if I'm gonna go to bed ill. To cut a long story short, he went out and left me, pregnant, upset and ill. I feel totally rejected, abandoned, and feel that he picked his friends and night out over me, I cant even speak to him about it, as I feel at a loss for words, and feel that he couldnt possible love me if he did that? What do you think, am I wrong? Should I cut him some slack? Or am I right in thinking how can I live with someone who can do that to me?

[teag1rl]

Hi Topcat.
While I am sympathetic to the way you feel and being sick is horrid, I think it must be your hormones making you mad. I do think you have been unreasonable, give the guy a break. He's trying quite hard from what you have said and we all deserve a night out now and again.

[TopCat1]

I totally understand that, and it isnt really the night out, thats the issue, its the fact he went on out, despite the fact I was very ill and upset, it was like he didnt care at all how I was feeling.

[roomster]

I disagree. I wouldnt dream of leaving my boyfriend alone if he was very ill. He could go out anytime, i think he is being very selfish.

[ummmm]

Cut him some slack. He's been making an effort so has hasn't abandoned you. If you are that ill maybe he needed a break. Concentrate on what he does do instead of what he doesn't. It may help you to think a bit more positive. Although you feel awful, he is only human. And a man!!

[laurence2]

you should cut him some slack.

You,ve already pointed out that hes pulling his weight around the house, you say your very very ill, should'nt you be seeing the doctor then?
its a stressful time pregnancy {all round} so he thinks hes maybe earned a drink with his mates etc, try not to let it get you down, it should be one of the happiest times of both your lifes at the moment, lifes to short to argue, you both need your own space as well, hence him going out, i don't agree that because he went out he abandoned you and dosen't love you, i think this is the classic case of you being pregnant and expecting your man to be their 24/7, he needs his space as well, trust me

[wolf63]

men tend to feel helpless in these situations, and they do what they usually do - hide from the problem.

Pregnancy hormones are bad, you vomitting must make you feel like death.

Try and talk to him when you aren't feeling too bad, then you might be able to say how each of you are feeling and come to some resolution.

[China Doll]

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering TopCat1, have you been to the Dr's? Is there anything they can do?

I have to say, to me you sound hormonal, I think you are being unreasonable and that if you read what you wrote back to yourself you'll see it. Cut your hubby some slack, he is trying to look after you but he needs to have some time to relax himself.

And start speaking to each other again. All this stress and unhappiness is no good for the baby or you.

Take care and I hope it all works out xx

[roomster]

I can see what you are saying, but if shes that ill, which it does sound like, imagine if something happened to her

[PinkFizz]

Hi Topcat - sorry you have been feeling so rough.
Personally I can understand that you felt upset he went out,but maybe after looking after you and llittle one in morning,presumably then going to work,then helping out when he got in,he felt that he just had to get out as he says - you were only going to be laying on the sofa anyway so what else could he do - he couldn't stop you being sick could he.
I would wait till he gets in later and tell him that you don't like an atmosphere,but you felt so rough and had been on your own all day friday,that you had just wanted his company as you were very low.Then give him a big kiss and cuddle!

[laurence2]

wolf63, we men don't all hide from the ''situation'' thank very much

[teag1rl]

Hi topcat, foro wht you have said what has peed you off is that he has gone out while you were ill and UPSET. Getting upset is like a blackmail thing for a man, did you think that by getting upset he wouldn't go out? It doesn't work I'm afraid, just winds them up. I've learnt that lesson-and what's worse is that you dont get upset on purpose with the idea of making him feel guilty -you just cant help it!
I agree with answers above. Talk to him and make the first move to making up, do something nice for him if you feel up to it and explain how you're feeling.

[TopCat1]

Hi guys, I have been to doctors, and there is nothing they can do, It looks like its developing into Hyperemisis, which I had when pregnant with my daughter. I was hospitalised twice, for a week each time, and put on a drip. It was soul destroying, so my husband does know how hard it is for me. I was basically worried that he treated me foul. So I really appreciate your replies, as I do need to see it from other peoples point of view, since sometimes especially when ill, you cant see the woods for the trees.

[Robinia]

I'm so sorry you're feeling awful, & firstly have you called a doctor or nurse about your sickness which they might be able to help you with? (Not sure what they do these days, it's a long time since I was pregnant & luckily wasn't sick)

well he may have made an effort on the practical front but he's being no emotional support at all is he? I disagree with some of the others & think while we all enjoy a night out, we should also be adult enough to cancel one as well when the situation calls for it.
I had a husband who was never there when I was ill, so I know just how afraid & vulnerable you must be feeling.

Hope you feel better & manage to start talking properly very soon though, an atmosphere like that isn't good for any of you, especially your little girl. Take care.

[Robinia]

oops I see you've been to the docs, sorry, didn't see that before I posted. :o)

[nat_84]

Me, just being me - would be p!ssed off too probably.

I can imagine myself writing the exact same thread in 10 years time...

I can see why the others think u should cut him some slack but would equally argue that you're carrying his baby and its his responsibilty to look after you both through this emotional time.

You sound really upset and i feel really sorry for you, if i lived near by i'd come round and give you and your little baba a big hug but here's a "virtual" hug for you both...

Have a little word with him tonight and just explain that you'r struggling and say you really appreciate all his help but you really need him by your side as much as possible.

Hope everything goes well xxx

[Eric Git]

Looks like you need an olive branch. Having been seruously ill through my pregnancy with our only child that survived (that tells you how ill I was) I can sympathise that you felt unloved as he went out, however, it's hard for him too, if he's anything like my husband he'll be feeling frustrated that he can't take your suffering and illness away. Having a night out with the lads would be his way of letting off steam. Why not suggest to him when he comes home to have another night out with them this weekend, or go for a drink with a few of them tomorrow or even tonight, show him that you too can see that he needs somewhere to vent his frustation at not being able to take your pain away.

Good luck

[Hellion]

Hi Top Cat I do sympathise with your feeling sick , I had terrible sickness with all 3 of my pregnancies (only have one child sadly) and it is miserable and debilitating. I found nibbling crystalised ginger helped (sailors eat it for sea sickness and it did work).
I suspect you are feeling a combination of miserable and hormonal and (not unaturally or wrongly) have been quite 'demanding' both emotionally and from needing support with your daughter. Sweetie, your husband does seem to have met these needs to his best ability and as main 'carer' of both you and your daughter at the moment he probably just needed a break to recharge his batteries. Unfortunately by getting upset he probably just felt he needed the break more, and with the best will in the world he's probably not enjoying spending his evenings watching you throw up!
As long as your daughter is settled in bed I'd take yourself off to your bed and let him go out , just make sure he's contactable by mobile if you need him.
For your peace of mind and wellbeing this is one of those times where you need to make the first move and make up - even if you don't really feel you want to or need to. He obviously loves you as, despite not speaking, he is still looking after your daughter and the house - it might not be romantic but it's of a lot more benefit to you.
Hugs to you XXX

[Cathyhuns]

If you are developing hyperemesis have you tried contacting http://www.hyperemesis.org.uk/ for information? There are details on there of possible drugs that can be used and other people's stories of how they coped with this. There are also local contacts who can provide support.

Best of luck!

[spk]

Hi Topcat- Im sorry you are having such a hard time, if you try explaining to your husband that you need him and you just want his support. He is maybe finding it hard to cope because men like to try and fix things, and because he cant fix it he maybe feels to blame. I would have a chat with him and explain that you just want a hug and to feel loved and know he is there for you. He does need his time away as well though. All the best and hope you feel better soon

[OooErr]

I personally wouldn't be able to go out and have a great time if i knew the person i loved was at home ill and upset - it would ruin the evening for me so there would be no point in going. I hope your husband can be a bit more supportive for you and tries to understand how you are feelng at the moment. Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy x