Am I best out of it?

[brooklyn77]

I know the answer is probably going to be 'yes get the hell out of there!" but I need your advice.

I am 28 and got with a girl of 20 we dated for six months had a great sex life and it was all going like a summers dream. Until I became too possessive and she got a little bored of it and decided one day to have a 'break' which as it happens made me worse, which led eventually to a complete split. So..the split was ultimatley my fault..

Bear in mind that by being possessive I found MSN chat records of her sexually flirting with another bloke and chatting to an ex that she had been 'umming and arring' about for two weeks after we got together..was that coincidence or was that a second sight type thing..and thats why I became too obesssive ??

Anyway..back to my point...although we split we have being seeing each other now and again, officially as friends but having great sex..we both travel like 200 miles to see each other....by train thats 2 hours.

I have told he I still love her, she 'claims' to still love me but does not want a relationship and if she was going to have a relationship 'it would be with me'.

I have just found out that she is going on a date with a bloke she met out clubbing and its because she 'wants to experience what else is out there'. But she still loves me. Her issue is apparently because of the distance mainly. I only found out about this guy because of a text message. yet she had said she was not seeing anyone...was that my second sight thing again??

Anyway...I keep thinking I want to hold out for her...but I have no gaurantee she will come back to me...what should I do?? Please help before I go insane !!!

[brooklyn77]

Oh and one other thing....During the split I found other saucy MSN stuff...which I know we were on a break..but..come on !

And also If I did give her the flick full stop..I would never have ANY chance then of getting her back at all. So thats my dillema

[Goodsoulette]

Checking her MSN records and phone isnt probably the best foundations of a loving relationship. You sound like you are a very jealous guy and at 20 I doubt she needs to be hemmed in by that. This probably isn't what you want to hear but before you can tackle anything she is doing wrong, you need to sort out your jealousy issues.

[brooklyn77]

Yep, yep thats true I have no qualms with that, its always been an issue for me..but I have always held my hands up to that and as a show of honesty I did not ommit that from my Initial question...so I have been as honest as I can be...but..in a twisted fate sort of way, if I had not found these things..how long would these secret 'talks' have gone on for?

But more to the point.....what about this issue of waiting for her or not etc..etc..

Note: Whilst i understand and appreciate anyones obeservation on my jealousy issues, I must say that it is not really part of my question, it was just to build the picture..who knows maybe part of the answer..IS in the jealousy issue..its just that I am more than fully aware of my issues..its the do I or dont I issue..in waiting for her that I am more immerdiatly concerned about.

Goodsoulette..I am not dismissing your answer, I appreciate it. Its just I have been working on my issues for a few years now, and it is getting better, but I still need advice on wether to wait around for someone in these circumstances. Thanks pal.

[Goodsoulette]

I personally wouldnt wait around for someone who wanted to date other people whilst I hung around like a lapdog. I wouldnt be able to get over the people they had seen "on a break"

[noxlumos]

If she loves you as is suggested then of course there's a chance, HOWEVER, you've burned her once with the whole jealousy crap ( sorry to bring that up again but it's fundamental to your problems with this girl) and she's going to be super wary of giving you an inch of legitimacy or control over her because of that. Let's get real eh here shall we, you checked up on her - unforgiveable in most people's books- we've all of us got skeletons, usually meaningless flirting ( I've done it myself as have scores of other happily married people I know) and especially when you were on a break it's none of your business.
My wife had a very flirty message and some flowers from someone she knows, did I go off half cocked about it? Did I hell, because it's not really important and i love and trust her.
Show this girl that you can behave without jealousy and I reckon you could be in with half a chance.

[brooklyn77]

Again I appreciate the Jealousy aspect you are all bringng up, but then part of me thinks that if first time I looked at the MSN chat stuff I had not found what I did I would of had no need to be jealous and I would not have bothered looking again, I guess we will never know the answer to that. At the end of the day meaningless flirting is one thing but telling some bloke you have never met what underwear you are wearing and that you want to cuddle them and meet them and allowing the third party to tell your partner that they would like to sleep with them is another thing..dont you think?

And how about going to a house party and ending up being in a locked bathroom with a female friend and a male and showing that male your bra...because you were drunk, then talking to that person next day on MSN and talking about sleeping with each other in your car..is that fair too?

So, maybe I think I had reason to be suspicious and if thats acceptable in a relationship as 'harmless flirting; then I guess I must be a prued (if thats how its spelt)....but...

I am naturally jealous so maybe its 50/50 here. She claims it was all in the past...but we were only dating for six months..so its not like years ago.

Again though the question of wether I should hang around is still there, and I know you touched on that ...but I would still like to here more opinion and advice if anyone has it

[noxlumos]

Having read your elaboration on the matter, I'm still not really shocked about what she's done. I think the issue is more to do with handling yourself when you've had alcohol in her instance, but she's 20 mate. A lot of 20 year old girls behave like that. Not pleasant but predictable.True enough my wife wouldn't show her underwear off in public, but that's because she never gets lashed.If she did I daresay she's have done something like that at some point in her life. If you were not together at the time then as I previously said , not your concern at all (I'm unclear when it all happened).
I have had a few men tell me they'd like to have my wife, that's just a compliment,because I'm secure in the knowledge that they never would.Take it as such, THEY are jealous of YOU, not the other way round.
You are very het up about this and I can't see the jealousiy issues going away, your still angry and feel wronged, and want her to have the blame, so if I were you I'd knock it on the head as it'll end up goping nowhere and have a look for someone maybe older or quieter who doesn't drink and is making it clear they just want to settle down. I can't see a way round this for you mate because you still think the big problem is her behavour ( which fair enough is not great, but she's 20 and you were on a break and at 20 most of us want to enjoy ourselves). She will see your possesiveness, jealousy and snooping as the problem and since you still haven't got over that, then she'll run the proverbial mile.
Really sorry, that that's not the answer I think you wanted, but good luck whatever you decide.

[snagged]

just stay 'f*ck-buddies...

[spk]

To me, it sounds like you are best out of it. You dont trust her, she wants to *rse about dating other men, its not got much going for it really has it? I know you love her etc but its not got the basis for a long term loving relationship to last the distance. Plenty more fish in the sea you will get over it

[atolhurst]

It sounds like she wants a bit of fun - she is 20 and wants a few different experiences. Where as you're at a point in your life where you want something a bit more long term. Her flirty behaviour would suggest that she doesn't want to committ to you.

I would suspect that with the accuracy with which you have recalled these events about this girl that this is not something you're forgiven and forgotten about and therefore, I don't see the benefit in trying to persue a relationship with her - you'll only argue about the historical stuff.

It sounds to me like you're in a position where you need to be in control - checking her msn while you're on a break is absolutely nothing to do with you - which isn't healthy. Successfuly relationship are equal and if you need to be in control of everything, and knowing everything, you won't get anywhere. I also doubt whether you're the kind of guy who wouldn't continue to check her msn or phone even if everything was going well, but only you know the answer to that.

So whilst you may have been working on your issues for a while, I'm not sure you're quite there yet so maybe you need some more time on your own before you open yourself up to it again. And when you do, perhaps you need someone on the same emotional wave length as you.

[brooklyn77]

Thanks for your answers everyone..its a mix of opinion which is always good to have.

Some of that stuff I mentioned though did not happen on the break, which in my opinion only fuels jealousy.

But, I know I will need to continue to work on my jealousy, I dont run from that fact. Many people dont admit they have a problem.

But I think it is right that I need to find someone who is beyond that behaviour in their life.

The stuggle I have is...if I continue to sleep with her..thats going to pronlong the agony isnt it? Yeah, I am sure it is..its just finally breaking that tie thats the hardest thing..

Oh well, to move on sometimes you need to forget things.

Thanks everyone, some sound advice

[geminij]

if you let her go and she doesnt come back it wasnt meant to be, we fall "in love" lots of times before meeting the right one

[Natalie2k9]

to be honest chick, i wouldnt go there. She's seemed to haved moved on from you quickly so why dont u do the same. Forget about her n go out and have a good time!!! YOU DESERVE IT x