boyfriends son

[gina32]

my daughter is pregnant and due any day she has a 3 year old son already and her partner has a son who is 2 in october, the partner has his son thurs, fri sat and all day sunday, staying over each night, the mum has now said she is to tired to look after him and wants his dad to have him full time, my daughter is so stressed she doesnt know what to do, she has a 2 bed house and so doesnt really have the room anyway, my daughter works fulltime and is at the moment on maternity leave but will go back to work in dec, she feels she is being selfish by saying no to the boy fulltime, what do others think?

[JK04]

Would she say no to lookin after her own child full time?

[beck07]

Sounds to me like your daughters, boyfriend's ex shouldnt of have the child if she wasnt ready to take on the responsibility! Does she not realise that chldren can't be picked up and put away for when your ready to play again, and he isnt your daughters responsibility!
But on the other hand, he is your daughter's boyfriend's son and if he is willing to accept full time car for the child, its something they should both discuss and feel happy about before its done.

[Pam29]

Difficult one but she needs to talk it through with her partner - but he has obviously accepted her son living with them full time so why not his son?
They should make it official though and make sure her partner's ex pays maintenance the same as fathers are expected to. That way when your daughter goes back to work then at least the money will help pay for childcare etc. The boy should still stay with his mother on a regular basis too - for the sake of their relationship and to give your daughter and partner a break.

[vway]

What reasons has the child mother given for being so tired? Is she depressed, ill or is she out all night partying or can she simply not cope on her own. If she is out all night she needs to change her life style!

As it has already been said you cannot just pick-up and put down children when you feel like it.

This child needs security and a stable home life what ever age it may be and I appreciate that the stress must be getting to your daughter but her partner is the child's father.

Iam sure if you find out why the mother feels she does not want to have the child full time the situation could be resolved to suit all parties including the childs welfare and his or her relationship with the mother.

[gina32]

the mother is "tired"because she goes out all the time and doesnt really want to have to stay in on the days that she has her own son, jko looking after your own child is diffferent to looking after someone elses full time, pam i understand what you mean, but he didnt accept my grandson living with him because my daughter was living alone and already had her son when she met him and he moved into her house afterwards. i meant to say the boy is 3 in october not 2!

[Bohne]

1. if the son is already there four days of the week, there must be room for him.
2. it is her partner's son, and if she is thinking of having a future with this man, I don't think making a difference of MY children, HIS children is the right way to go about this.
3. if the mother does not want the child, how can you push him away without feeling absolutely awful about it?
4. if she needs help with the children, I am sure there is a way of getting it.
5. if she works full time, there must already be someone else to look after the child/children.
6. I would think a two bed house is not even suitable for a family with two children, so long term thinking, they must have considered moving anyway.
7. I can see her worrying about extra work, but I think if she and her partner discuss this calmly, there will be a way.

[Bohne]

And maybe 8.
I think HIS child has as much right to live with them as her child has, regardless of whose house it is.

[Goodsoulette]

She shouldn't put her partner in this situation. She knew he had a child when they got together, would she say no if the boys mother died?

She needs to swallow it and accept her partners son into the house. Don't make excuses for your daughter, it's definitely selfish behaviour. If she loves your partner she should love his son too.

If all you say is true, it sounds like your daughters partner should be removing his son from the care of his mother ASAP. I don't think a shoddy mother and rejection from a father is going to set him up well in life.

[beverleymot]

cant the mother get a part time job and see how things go from there if she's tired? sounds like wrong timing really n everyone needs 2 b happy about the situation- an overcrowded house and a newborn baby is enough stress for anyone

[gina32]

bohne staying overnight 4 times a week is very different to living there 7 days a week, i.e clothes, toys. who said she didnt feel awful about it?? what help could she get with the children, do you know? the child goes to nursery during the week and his mother takes him to a childminder close by who then takes him to the nursery, the father wouldnt be able to do that due to work, they may have been thinking of moving but not just yet one child and a baby isnt the same is it,, the only reason she doesnt want the child permanantly is because it interfers with the social life, but tough should have thought about that before she had him!
goodsoulette i dont think he should put her in this situation right now either, she is ready any day to give birth and has major problems up til now, i think it was very thoughtless of them both. she should get a part time job if shes that tired

[bloke]

i think that if your daughter says no then she is being selfish,would her partner say no to her child if things where reversed? and how do you know its because of going out all th time,did your daughter tell you this or did her partner? kids are kids at the end of the day,if either parent would say no to the others child living with them,then what kind of relationship do they really think they have? or future?

[gina32]

it really isnt a matter of a simple yes or no, a lot more has to be thought about before either agrees to anything. it seems my daughter has been slagged off but the childs mother hasnt, how does that work then

[beverleymot]

maybe the child moving in should be a last resort, and all other options should be considered first- if the mother is lazy then she needs to start bringing him up properly- you never give up on your children- you perservere with it and do everything u can but if its simply cos she's tired then has she stopped to think how would the father n ur daughter feel with 3 kids and a newborn?

[Bohne]

This isn't about slagging anyone off.
If you had wanted an opinion on the boy's mother, you should have formulated your question differently.

I think it is awful to have children, and then neglect them because you prefer your social life.
Yes, you are right, she should not have had the child in the first place, but that does not help the little boy at all.

He is not even three years old and in a very important stage of his life. I don't even want to start imagining what the feeling of being unloved and unwanted, by mother, father and step-mother will do to his little soul.

I think he is the one that has to be thought about first at the moment.

And if the boys mother can take the boy to a child minder, why can't his dad do the same?

I think where there is a will there is a way...

[gina32]

firstly no one said the child wasnt loved or not wanted did they?? at the moment the mother drops him off somewhere and someone else takes him to nursery but the other person is pregnant and due any day as well so wont be able to do it anymore and as i said before if youd read it, the father cant take him to nursery because of his job

[Goodsoulette]

Baring in mind he has him the majority of the week anyway I can only assume that the child benefit and tax credits are equally shared?

If not they should be, if the child regularly stays with someone else two days a week or more, I believe child benefit has to be split. Also the main carer should receive the child tax credits. Maybe a big potential loss of cash will buck her ideas up.

Ask your daughters partner to explain these things to his ex, keep in regular contact with his son and make sure he is well and get prepared to have him full time. It doesn't have to be at this very minute but they need to have a view that he may well be living with them full time.

No one has slagged off your daughter. It's not really any different to him saying well with "our" baby nearly here I don't think I want your child around, I cant cope with the two of them. Lets only have him a few nights a week and he can go to his dads.

Gina, you seem to be unhappy with all of the advice you have received, possibly because you haven't heard what you want to hear.

[gina32]

not unhappy with the answers ive received because everyone has an opinion,i suppose unless you are in this sort of situation you cant be 100% sure as to what youd do. and as for the benefits being shared, no they arent and the father still pays mainteneance, not everything is as black and white as it appears to be. my daughter wouldnt dream of saying her son should go to live with his dad, his fathers girlfriend wouldnt allow it anyway, anyway as i said before its everyones own opinion.

[Bohne]

I have a job, too, and I take my son to a carer.
You know what? I made it possible by changing my working hours and picking a carer who is close to my work and not close to where we live.

I think there are always ways...

And what kind of message do you think the little boy gets if the mother says: You take him, I don't want him any more!
And the dad says: We can't take him, we don't have the time/space...
Right, he will think he is loved dearly ... NOT!

This is not against your daughter, but you seem to dismiss everything that does not fit your opinion!

[beverleymot]

if thats right bohne then y cant the mother change her working hours? especially if she's that tired she could rest if she worked part time and get the son to nursery herself- kill two birds with one stone!

[gina32]

as i said before its everyones opnion and you dont know the whole picture, sometimes its not always balck and white