Bullying at school dilemma

[hammerman]

Hi
I have a lovely 10 year old daughter who goes to a very nice, small primary school. She gets on well there, loves the school and has many friends.

However, when they went back in September, there started to be a few "girlie" niggles....a couple of the girls kept having a go at my daughter for no reason. I brushed this aside and told her ignore them/walk away etc which she did.

Now this came to a head the week before xmas when i went to pick my daughter up and i saw her sitting in the corner of the playground absolutely hysterical. One of the girls had screamed abuse at my daughter in a way that her teacher classed as "a very aggressive manner"

I spoke to the girls mum about this as the school did nothing and she has done absolutely nothing either.

So my daughter has gone to school today absolutely petrified about what's going to happen. This has come totally out of the blue because my daughter was good friends with this girl and we even took her away on holiday in the summer.

My wife dropped our daughter at school this morning and the offending girl was in a little group who kept turning round and looking at my daughter and then turning back into their little huddle.

What would you do as a caring parent. I deplore ANY kind of bullying and it breaks my heart to see kids upset. Obviously i need to see what happens today but i can't see things getting any better to be honest....should i approach the head ?...what about the governers ?

Any help would be most welcome

[redcrx]

oh your poor daughter, i really feel for her and for you as parents who have to try and sort this out.

what happened when the teacher witnessed the incident before? was anything offical done?

There should be policies in place within all schools that give the correct procedures to follow with incidents of bullying.

I would make an appointment to see the teacher and or the Head, if possible without your daughter being present.

[hammerman]

Thanks redcrx.

The school did very little except have a word with the girl about it. Im aware that the head mistress is also aware of the situation.

This is my daughter's "about me" on her facebook site

i go to school and will soon be going to priory
at school me and my friends have good times and bad but i wish we could always have good times becouse thay always be unkind to me but i hope we coud all get a long better

It broke my heart reading this.

[redcrx]

id give the office a call and make an appointment, take along a copy of what your daughter has written too, its obviously upsetting her.
You need to know what the procedures are in case this continues so that it can be nipped in the bud.

[Velvetee]

This seems to be a thing with girls, they become strange and nasty for no apparent reason. My ex boyfriend's daughter went to an all girls school, where she had lots of friends. Then after the summer holidays on her return, one of these girls, who had been a close friend suddenly turned on her for no apparent reason.

It's very difficult to get involved in "kiddy politics", but I would assume that having taken this girl on holiday, you must be on friendly terms with her parents. I know you've spoken to the girl's mother, but maybe you need to hold an informal meeting with her. Perhaps something happened over Christmas, which caused upset.

You should also request a meeting with the school and ask them to keep a discreet eye on what is going on. The chances are the girls will be best friends again shortly.

[terambulan]

Leave it to your wife to deal with as she knows best how to deal with spiteful bitches. Your wife will find the weakness of the offending girl and be able to 'offend' her likewise.

[onlyme26]

these are the things i dread happening when my daughter goes to high school, i would make an appointment to see the head teacher as no school should tolerate bullying, but i would say make it desretly, dont go in when you can be seen, this will cause observation and the bullying could get worse, try and arrange an afterschool meeting, when all the kids have gone home,
have you spoke to your daughter? i mean if they were once friends and now not, there must be a reason for this? i hate bullys, i really do,
has the bullying got violent at all? i wouldnt tollerate violance but maybe your daughter needs to stand up to these girls, give a little back so to speak, try and bring her down a peg or two, once bullys see a weakness they think they're in control, if she shows she isnt scared and isnt afraid to give a little back maybe they will back off? but im not suggesting getting violent in any way

good luck xx

[annie0000]

My personal instinct as a parent would be to catch this girl when no-one was looking and give her the fright of her life. However, probably not the reasoned reaction, and would probably end up in court! I think speaking to the other parent again would be the best answer, but also, try pulling one of the other girls that your daughter gets on with away from the crowd, invite her round to play etc, so that your daughter has someone to play with and some defense. I don't think I could stomache inviting the nbully girl round, not without my fingers clamping round her throat!

A boy my son played with from time to time, took his comic off him after breakfast club and threw it in a puddle. When i saw him the next couple of times, I just gave him a really dirty look. A month or two later, he came to the door for my son and I told him that when he came back with the money to replace the comic and an apology he was welcome to come in. I have never seen him since, and he stays away from my son completely now.

I think the bitchiness thing is a girl problem, boys tend to hit out and then are best of mates again - there is not so much of the emotional bullying.

Are you sure that your daughter is fitting in with the girls? I know that we shouldn't all try to conform for the sake of it, but at that age, it is important to have the right clothes, hair style etc otherwise you become a target.

Do you know what it was that the other girl said?

[annie0000]

My younger son came running across one day after school asking for a new schoolbag as a couple of boys (one of them a close friend) said he had a baby bag, it wasn't it was a gap backpack - actually the same as his friend had the previous year.

I told him it wasn't a babies bag and he asked me if he should tell the teacher on them. I said that maybe there was opther ways to deal with it and maybe we should have a think. His Dad said to him that if they said it again, he should tell them that they were babies for saying that.

When he came out from school the next day, I asked him if any of the boys had said anything, he said that his friend had apologised. I asked him how that had come about, and he told me that he had gone to his friend and said "you weren't very nice to me yesterday, I think that you should apologise" his friend said, " you're right, I am sorry" . The other boy declined to apologise but my son said, that's fine as I don't like him anyway.

I was quite impressed that a 7 year old figured it out for himself.

Maybe your daughter does just need to stand up for herself and not let them destroy her confidence.

[hammerman]

Thank you so much for all your kind words and advice.

From what we can make out, there's absolutely no reason for this girl to turn on my daughter.....it came totally out of the blue to her as much as it did to me. I have no doubt that "year 6 girls syndrome" is a big part of it where their hormones are all over the place and they are now top of the tree in their school.

Most of the pupils in the class know me well as do the parents....im their parent class rep and i also run the school football club and gardening club. Ive also been known to go out socially with a couple of the teachers, including my daughters class teacher so i can talk to her about it if needed.

Im off to pick her up in a minute so ill see what's happened today and if nothing's improved, i'll move ahead with a meeting with the headmistress.

I did write a letter to the headmistress last night....i read it to my daughter and she was in agreement with it. I then left it with her to see if she wanted to hand it in. I basically asked the head what she intended to do about the situation.

Thanks again

[zzxxee]

go staight to the bullies parents as im sure they would be mortified to learn their child behaves this way and let them deal with it...

[cazzz1975]

I would have gone into school this morning and asked to see the deputy or the head and had a meeting. schools have ways of dealing with these squabbles but only if the parent gets involved, you have to always remind her that she has the right to be treated well and should never hide any type of bullying

going in person has more impact than a letter, for her sake you should go in person and work with the schools policies so that she does not lose all her self esteem and doesnt have to feel alone and petrified at going into school

[bednobs]

hiya, i dont really have any advice about the bullying, sorry, but one thing you said did worry me - about her facebook site. Why has a 10 year old got a FB site? - for starters, you arent supposed to be able to join till you're 14 so she must have lied to get he account. Secondly, whatever goes on in the playground, probably alos goes on by instant message, wall etc on facebok, bringing the bullying right into your home!

[hammerman]

Thanks bedknobs but i know her password etc and i will monitor the site daily. She only joined yesterday.

[Lil O'lady]

Hammerman, in order to let the school know that you seriously want this dealt with, ask firstly at the office for a hard copy of the school's anti-bullying policy. They are obliged to have such a document and this will give you their strategy for dealing with situations, and you can check whether they are keeping to this policy.
Please do not, as others have suggested, approach the perpetrator. If you know her parents socially it is OK to try and talk with them but attempting to frighten the perpetrator pus you in the wrong and makes things worse for your daughter.
Keep an eye on the social networking websites issue - pound to a penny if this continues, Madam will set up a hate site against your daughter. Be prepared for this and cope with it by reporting it to the site's owners (they are underage and should not be posting), and by switching off the computer at home - what you don't see can't hurt you. It should also be reported to the school, because although it has not occurred in school it is arising from an unresolved incident that took place at school.
I hope the school deals with this properly but I have seen so many times where schools have done nothing - or even worse, taken it out on the victim and their family - ie 'well they just don't fit in and are always awkward'.
Good luck.

[JoCan2008]

My heart goes out to your daughter and to you hammerman, I was the victim of bullying at a young age and feel that I never got over it and it has affected me in my adult life and in my relationships. I implore you to go and see the school head, the parents of the bullies and sort this out NOW before it goes too far.

[tansor]

You should speak to the head and they will get all the girls together. sound like what we had with our daughter. the bully is jelous of your daughter. She saw how happy you were as a family on holiday and she is hating it. See if your daughter can find a new fiend at school and do lots of fun things. Have a party and dont invite the bully . But first try to talk to your daughter and see if she knows how it started

[ummmm]

It's at times like this that make you realise how much you love and want to protect your kids. When my daughter got bullied I wanted to beat the girl up. How irrational....!!!

On a positive note. These fall outs toughen them up for the big bad world. As lone of course that it's not extreme bullying and just a case of girls being horrible little girls.

[annie0000]

Hi Ummm - glad it's not just me then ;o) - I would never actually hurt another child - but boy would I want to.

On the other hand there was a boy at school who put another boy in hospital and tbh, I don't really care what would happen to me, but if that had been my son in hospital, I am not sure that I could necessarily resist kicking the little s**ts head in. Oh how rational a response that would be!!

[hammerman]

Thank you all so much

So here's a bit of an update. My daughter has had two very good days back at school...she's come out a happy, smiley girl which obviously makes me very happy.

However, the bully has had the occasional "dig" at my daughter...the odd snide word as she walks past etc. I've had a chat with my daughter about standing up to this girl and answering her back but without being nasty...you know, maybe have the odd sarcastic swipe at her but to be clever with how she says it.

Fingers crossed but let's hope everything works out ok

Many thanks to you all again xxx

[Sasha13]

Can I post an alternative and possibly controversial view? I went through this at school in what would now be Year 6. There was one girl who was top of the tree and if she decided to break friends with someone on a whim (which she did frequently), then everyone would break friends with you and you would be literally friendless for what seemed like an eternity. I remember once she said to another class mate 'I'm going to break friends with her' about me and I was bricking it. Felt like it was the end of the world. However, for reasons that I won't go into here, I never told my Mum - and if I had, and she'd intervened with the school, I would have been absolutely mortified. Unfortunately I really think there's a perception in this country that schools (as opposed to parents) talking to bullies helps the problems and I don't agree (I think they need a good slap, but that's beside the point).

Later on, when I was in secondary school I was picked on (I'm not going to say bullied as it wasn't that serious) for 4 years. At one point, it threatened to turn physical and at that point I told my Mum and the school (or rather, one particular teacher who was amazing and never gave away my identity - rather when the bully said 'Oh you're talking about Sasha, the teacher said 'You're being horrible to Sasha too?)

In my fifth year, one of my classmates (not friends) said to me 'Doesn't everyone having a go at you because you're tall/bright/have a surname that's easy to take the p1ss out of really get to you?' Nope, I said, I'm used to it. Overnight it stopped.