Quizzes & Puzzles2 mins ago
Funny or not?
This man said to me, “I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away.”I said: “That’s a bit far-fetched.”
So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said: “You don’t need a tin-opener to peel a banana.” He said: “I know, this is for the custard.”
I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.
Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to carve a turkey.
So I went to the cinema and I saw a very sad film. The man behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.
I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I’m not having this, so I cycled out again.
So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my iPhone. I got arrested for being drunk and disorganised.
My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they’re working on a sequel. It’s called Look, I Said I’m Sorry.
So I went down the local video shop. I said: “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said: “He’s not your type.” I said: “Can I have Batman Forever?” He said: “No, you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow.” I said: “What about Another 48 Hours?” He said. “Tomorrow.”
I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.
So I was in the jungle and I saw this monkey with a tin-opener. I said: “You don’t need a tin-opener to peel a banana.” He said: “I know, this is for the custard.”
I was going to write my will today but then I thought, life’s too short.
Someone said to me that lemons were very sharp so I tried using one to carve a turkey.
So I went to the cinema and I saw a very sad film. The man behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.
I was in this car wash and I started foaming at the mouth. I thought, I’m not having this, so I cycled out again.
So I went to the local pub. I drank a bottle of wine and lost my iPhone. I got arrested for being drunk and disorganised.
My favourite film is the Clint Eastwood classic Unforgiven. At the moment they’re working on a sequel. It’s called Look, I Said I’m Sorry.
So I went down the local video shop. I said: “Can I take out The Elephant Man?” He said: “He’s not your type.” I said: “Can I have Batman Forever?” He said: “No, you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow.” I said: “What about Another 48 Hours?” He said. “Tomorrow.”
I was having dinner with chess champion Gary Kasparov and we had a black-and-white tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I find the hardest thing about voting with your feet is doing a handstand in the polling booth.
Answers
1 to 18 of 18
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More Tim Vine classics..,
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I wanted to be a milkman, right – but I didn’t have the bottle!!
Black Beauty, now there’s a dark horse.
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, ‘I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf’.
‘ I’m not gambling!’ I said, ‘The steaks are too high!!!!!!
So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it’s a cross breed!!
So I said to my Mum ‘I’m going to the funfair’ -
she said ‘Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train?’ – I said ‘No, I’ll walk.
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts’.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,’Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
So I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’ I said, ‘Not that as well.
Advent Calendars, Their days are numbered.
I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running a Sheffield based football team. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t manage Wednesday'.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I wanted to be a milkman, right – but I didn’t have the bottle!!
Black Beauty, now there’s a dark horse.
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, ‘I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf’.
‘ I’m not gambling!’ I said, ‘The steaks are too high!!!!!!
So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it’s a cross breed!!
So I said to my Mum ‘I’m going to the funfair’ -
she said ‘Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train?’ – I said ‘No, I’ll walk.
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts’.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,’Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
So I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’ I said, ‘Not that as well.
Advent Calendars, Their days are numbered.
I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running a Sheffield based football team. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t manage Wednesday'.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
...on it. I thought, ‘That’s Aboriginal.’
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue..’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said ‘Tenpin?’ I said, ‘No, permanent.’
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue..’ I said ‘No, just a watch.’
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He’s bi-satchel.
The recruitment consultant asked me ‘What do you think of voluntary work? I said ‘I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.’
I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, ‘Are you having me on?’ I said, ‘Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.’
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny: you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
1 to 18 of 18
