Would You Tell Her?

[Pink_Pig]

I'm not a new user but would rather not use my normal log in.

So, I split up with my long term boyfriend a few months ago. Over that time we have been seeing and talking to each other a lot, and on a number of occasions sleeping together. It's fair to say I'm not over him and he has said a lot of things that would have me believe he is considering a reconciliation.

A couple of months ago I asked if he was seeing anyone else, to which he replied he had been out with someone a couple of times. I didn't ask anything else until a little over a week ago when he said he was no longer seeing her. Following my suspicions from things I had seen he admitted this weekend that we was in fact in a relationship with this person still.

The whole of last week he was almost acting as though we were still a couple with the things he was saying, bringing me little presents and asking to see me on a number of occasions.

I'm obviously very hurt that he's completely lied to me when he knows where my feelings still lie and a huge part of me wants to contact this other girl and let her know about what's been going on.

He and I have a lot of connections and it would be impossible to avoid him and others so for this reason I don't really want to start WW3 but I also don't want him to think he can treat people like dirt and just get away with it.

I have told him I am considering telling her, which of course he has begged me not to and has asked me to let him end things with her in his own way but I'm a bit fed up of being mugged off and quite like him to feel the consequences of his actions.

What would you do?

[China Doll]

I would let him know his actions have consequences by getting rid of him and not allowing him to treat me like dirt.

If you really want to be with him even after all this then I would suggest no contact or rudies until he has split with the other girl. That should give him the incentive he needs and if it doesn't then he's not for you.

[redcrx]

you're hurting but then you were aware that at times when you were seeing him that he was seeing the other girl.
what do you gain from causing the other girl upset?

Walk away from him, let him end the relationship himself and then decide if you want anything to do with him or not once he is totally free and single

[pa___ul3]

I think if you told her this, you'd probably just end up looking like a bitter jealous ex, just worry about your own side of it.
I was in a similar situation a few years back, messing about after we'd broken up for a few months, it took her being a div-head for me to give my head a wobble and cut it all off, definitely needed doing and it's fair to say I'm more than just a smidgen better off now!!

[ummmm]

Leave it....stop sleeping with him.

[mickrog]

to put it bluntly....he has it made..sex on demand with any one from two

[starone]

I am surprised that you are still with him. I would have dumped him long ago and gone on to one of the many young men out there who are willing to commit themselves to one (even if it is one at a time). As Mick says he's got it made.

[Pink_Pig]

Well I'm not still with him am I. And I have no intentions on sleeping with him again while knowing he is shagging someone else.

I should point out that I had reasons to believe he had been out with her a few times then stopped seeing her which is why I let things continue.

[China Doll]

So then no sex and no contact until he's split with her. That's how you let him know the consequences of his actions. If you told her then yes, I think you would be seen as the vindicative ex. Especially if he actually has no intention of leaving her and never has (which is a possibility too, he might just be stringing you both along) . You can find out if he's seious about getting back with you by telling him to let you know when he's split with her and you don't want your head wrecked by further contact of any sort until this has happened.

[bloaterbum]

Sorry pink pig but I,in accord with others feel he is taking the rise.move on you will be happier in the long run Ican assure you!

[Pink_Pig]

I really hate this. I've been utterly miserable since we split up and the thought we might actually get back together was the only thing keeping me going. There are other things going on in other parts of my life at the moment and it's all getting way on top of me. I'm sitting here mentally wording out an e-mail to him the follows all your advice and says I no longer want to have any more contact with him but even the thought of it makes me cry. Good job I'm here on my own today.

[mickrog]

stick to that but remember and ask yourself......can you trust him?......personally as a man i would never be able to trust the person again and would have kicked her into touch at first sign.......

[Pink_Pig]

I am aware of how utterly pathetic all the above sounds.

[Sqad]

Bottom line....he is your Ex boyfriend and what he does is not really you business

If you enjoy having sex with him knowing that he is having sex with someone else.....fine.....carry on. ...however if it " bugs. "you...........stop having sex with him. ....if you can.

Nothing to do with the other girl.........no point in telling her.

[pa___ul3]

Pink_pig, it's definitely him being pathetic, if there's other grief in your life then fix this as soon as possible, even if it's just telling him you don't need this right now so you're going to cut contact. If he's half decent he'll respect that then, once you're sorted and ready then maybe speak to him. Your desire for you and him again could well be need for a comfort blanket because of this without actually using your head.
It's time to puff your chest out, be bold and brave and fix it.

[Mattk]

It hurts like hell and is making you feel miserable because part of you won't let it end. You need to make a clean break and sever all communications. Short term pain for long term gain.

[flip_flop]

Agree with sqad.

You are no longer boyfriend and girlfriend and therefore who he decides to jump on has got bugger all to do with you.

[puddle-duck]

To be truthful I wouldn't say anything...would she believe you? Before I got with my ex two people warned me that he had commitment issues but i didn't listen, I like to judge people for myself & not through the words of others, but I found out the hard way, through time.

Kick him into touch & walk away from this with your head held high. You want him to feel the consequences of his actions, walking away should do the trick, but after saying that some men just can't see their own faults or the part they played, if he doesn't, then it's not your loss it's someone elses problem.

Good luck hope it all works out for you.

[andy-hughes]

Thjis guy has been keeping his options open - men are good at that because they can enjoy a sexual relationship with far less of a depth of commitment than a lot of women.

So, having been discovered, it's time to cut your losses and walk away.

Of course that is very very hard, and for quite a while you will be tempted to reconcile because a faulty relationship feels better than no relationship at all.

The truth is, that is in illusion, and will simply store up more pain for a future time.

A quick clean break now will hurt a lot, but is still the right thing to do - you deserve better than to be kept as a 'maybe' in case is other relationship did not work out - and that shows what kind of man he is.

So break, and stick to it. Don't mail him, don't speak to him except within the bounds of courtesy, and don't respond to any contact at all. It's the only way to get past this sad time in your life, so look forward, and find a man worthy of being loved by you - this guy is not him.

As for contact with the other girl - a natural reaction, but she may well be innocent and unknowing of your relationship. In the interest of dignity, avoid contact with her - a complication you don't need right now.