1.000 Migrants Since Christmas Day
News3 mins ago
It's The Way I Tell Em.
We always hear about David and Ed Milliband, but nobody ever talks about their equally famous elder brother Glen, whose flight disapeared over the Channel.
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What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.
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My Next door neighbour Mrs Cooper has just given birth to a Bouncing Baby Boy,
I said to her ," Have you thought of A name Yet"?
"Tommy",came the Reply,
I thought now There's a Name to Conjure With..
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I saw a nun in a wheelchair this morning.
All I could think of was Blimey,Virgin Mobile.
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I watch so many crime movies documentaries when I turn the telly off I wipe the remote control to get rid of my fingerprints.
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My mother-in-law has asked for 'bath stuff' for Christmas.
So I've bought her an electric toaster.
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(In the chip shop)
ME: "Have you got any fishcakes?"
CHIPPY: "Yes."
ME: "Great, it's my goldfish's birthday."
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Little known fact: There is a patron saint of checking bread rolls before taking them out of the oven.
Saint John The Bap Test.
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She said she wanted a man who would take her breath away.
So I farted.
Now she won't speak to me!
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My wife is really annoying me at the minute with this tropical fruit diet...it is enough to make a mango crazy.
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My wife was getting annoyed that I kept leaving freezer door open and it kept on defrosting.
We have since split up, it’s all water under the fridge.
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