News0 min ago
Repeats
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Strewth, talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Sod that “says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. First I was afraid....... Then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......
I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
And finally…
Tim Vine got the best gag of the year award again, this time for:
"Conjunctivitis.com, now there's a site for sore eyes!"
Paddy says: "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Sod that “says Mick: "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. First I was afraid....... Then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband: "You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says: "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair".
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake.
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you". She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied: "It's me talking to the beer".
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
They've opened a new shop across the road selling camouflage clothing but I have my suspicions something weird is going on. Yesterday I saw 20 people go in but I never saw anyone coming out.
I've been on the phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show......
I just brought a friend of mine a new fridge, should have seen his face light up when he opened it.
A friend of mine moved into a new house at the weekend so I took him over a couple of radiators. Just a little house warming present.
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.
I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with 2 inches of soil. I went again yesterday only to find it covered again with another 2 inches of soil. The plot thickens!!!
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I thought to myself, these idiots have lost the plot!!
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said.... 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week... I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.
And finally…
Tim Vine got the best gag of the year award again, this time for:
"Conjunctivitis.com, now there's a site for sore eyes!"
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