Au Pair Girl and Dress Code (White Blouse & Black Skirt)

[Jipper]

This may be a longer question.

Our family has hosted a young, live-in au pair girl, since August 2011 (when she was 16 years old, which is OK where I live). She leaves later this month (June 2012), and we're going to host a second girl who will arrive in August this year. She's been allowed to wear what she wants for ordinary days (except revealing), but for special events (like parties in our home, birthdays, Christmas), work-related meetings with her in our home and even weekends, we've required her to dress nice wearing clothes like a white blouse and a black skirt (we've been paying for the clothes, so that's no problem), looking representative for the family. She has agreed with this as it was already written down in the house rules from the beginning.

I know some people don't like this, but my problem has been, that she after accepting my rules has refused to do it. I decided to keep hosting the girl, as she actually did good job (and our daughter likedher). Of course, she always wore those clothes when I told her, but sometimes we had to argue a lot before. The first time seemed hopeless, even if she did as we say, it wasn't easy at all. From late September things seemd to become better, and she seemed to finally accept it even if she didn't like it (she even said that to me). Late November-mid January (Christmas season) was a new series of outbreaks, then she calmed down again. After that, she has sometimes had some new outbreaks (and I really hate bad behaviour). I've tried to talk to her several times, and she just said she hates it and it's un-fomfort. I just told her it may be the same with those girls who work in restaurants, for example.

If the new girl will act the same, how can I handle this better?

[wolf63]

two long and miserable years guys.

[joko]

i understand how on occasions when you have guests you dont want her sitting around in a tshirt and jeans - but giving her a formal uniform that you have picked out is a bit much.... you said it yoursel - it is what wait staff wear - she is not wait staff!
making her wear formal stuff clothes for xmas and birthdays is mean spirited and uneccesary. why dio you make her wear them 'even weekends'?

why not give her some money and ask her to go shopping an buy herself a nice smart dress... or blouse and skirt - something pretty but not glitzy etc - then she will look nice and presentable and not like a maid...and feel happy its something she likes for HER

[ojread2]

TBH I can't see how wearing a uniform as an au pair such as black skirt and white blouse is any different to anyone else wearing one?
If the au pair knew about these functions, then why did she take the job then make waves?

[Mick-Talbot]

Why would you let 2 years go by and still be moaning about it ?

[Jipper]

1. She arrived almost one year ago, not two. I asked here two years ago, when preparing for becoming a host.
2. You who think I'm doring wrong, have your opinion, but please accept my point of view. She has accepted an agreement and should not complain.

[wolf63]

She is a young girl - is she old enough to have signed a legally binding contract?

[FredPuli43]

All right, so she did accept it once. Now she doesn't. She may have seen the light and realised that you weren't treating her as an au pair. She may have other reasons. Doesn't matter. Accept it. You were wrong in the first place, but let that pass. As I say, if you want uniformed or dress-coded servants, go out and hire them, but don't expect the au pair to be one.

As "daughters" they can be as annoying as real ones.They vary in their dress; some may prefer a scruffy look, others not. One we had turned up with a suitcase full of designer and couture clothes, and £5,000 cash in Swiss Francs, innocently asking my wife to look after it and querying whether £1,000 would do for weekly spending money.No worries about her look! But we didn't ask her to wear a white blouse and black skirt; we never would (see above) but she'd have only worn Chanel, and shamed us; she was an au pair, not a house maid. She was there to learn English and help with the young daughter, no more. And can you imagine what her family would have thought if they discovered we were treating their daughter like a maid, right down to a black skirt and white blouse rule ? Now, that would have been embarrassing!

[Jipper]

I can accept an au pair girl to wear such clothes if she agrees on it as house rules.

[NOX]

Fine be as crazy as you like, but there is no point asking people's advice and when you get a unanimous ' you're not acting properly' response simply ignoring that and arguing with everyone. Reading back through practically no-one thinks you are being reasonable, so carry on it your own sweet way but you will have these constant arguments because it's not the way an Au Pair should be treated and it's frankly embaressing for them.

[venator]

It's unacceptable.

Live with it.

[venator]

Or employ a maid....

[hc4361]

What country are you in, Jipper?

[danchip]

why not try looking after your own children if she wont wear what you want to these occasions!

[FredPuli43]

"House rules" If you had a daughter of that age, would she have a house rule that made her wear a black skirt and white blouse whan in the house?

You plainly haven't understood what an au pair is. She is NOT a servant. She is there as someone else's daughter. She is expected to help around the house and with the children. like a dutiful daughter does, and get some 'pocket money' and be provided for, like a daughter.

She'd be a very cheap servant. If you can afford it, hire a servant, but don't treat a guest as though she is a nanny or other servant ( and hired on the cheap, too) What kind of live-in servant or nanny could you get for the money you're paying her? Look up Norland Nannies, and find out; employ one if you like.

[Jipper]

As I said, why are you continuting using the word "servant". I would never use it in todays world (replaced with "domestic worker" since a very long time ago).

[FredPuli43]

Jipper, the term used doesn't matter: you can call it by what term you believe to be current in English; the point is that an au pair is not a servant, a domestic worker, a maid, a nanny, or any other kind of employee or 'worker'. She is an au pair, don't you understand that, and is to be treated as an au pair?

If you want a live-in nanny, an employee, that is, not an au pair, expect to have to provide her with her own separate accommodation, such as a staff flat within the home,and pay upwards of £600 a week, all found, net of all taxes. You may be lucky at that; foreign families often pay a £1,000 a week for British nannies to work abroad.

[Jipper]

As long as she accepts the conditions, it doesn't matter if it's an employee or not. My home = my rules.

[FredPuli43]

But you're trying to treat her like an employee, which is wrong. She's an au pair. You can make whatever house rule you like, providing you would apply it to your own daughter in your own house when she was helping you. A father who had a dress code of white blouse and black skirt, a house rule, for his own daughter helping with the children, would rightly be thought mad .

You don't seem to get that the au pair to be treated as a daughter; she is there as somebody's daughter; not otherwise.

I hope the agency, if you used one, finds out how you are acting, because, if they knew of 'house rules' and other attempts to treat her otherwise than an au pair they'd never send you another, because youn patently don't understand how these things should be done.

With any luck, having read the replies here, you now do understand and will proceed according to what has been said.

[NOX]

No he won't Fred, he's just hellbent on arguing with the world on this point, and thinks an Au pair is a servant / employee of some sort instead of a house guest. Would you seriously dictate what your house guests wear? Of course not, so why do you seek to unreasonably do so here. Just hire a maid or nanny, but I suspect you wouldn't have the money to do so as they don't come cheap so instead have an au pair and just treat her like one which is 100% unacceptable and I'm glad the young lady in question has left you with no illusions about that.

[Jipper]

It's well-established that au pair girls are required to accept following house rules.