Money and the stay-at-home mum

[Proactivity]

I'm interested in how other people deal with the issue of family finances when one half of the couple isn't working. My girlfriend stays at home to look after our toddler, but isn't back in paid employment yet.

When she had a job, it was easier to deal with money - we could spend what we earnt, and share the bills. Now that I'm the only earner, I pay the bills, and have to decide the best to deal with her personal spending.

My current choices are:
1. Make her a 2nd card holder on my credit card, and trust her to have some self-restraint :)
2. Give her a weekly/monthly allowance so that she has her financial independance back.

So far we've been going with (1), but she feels like she's spending my money which makes her feel guilty (tho not too guilty to spend at the same rate as she did when she was working). I'm thinking of moving to (2), but have no idea how much to allow, or if there's a better way.

How do other people do this, and deal with the issues surrounding it? Thanks!

[confused79]

To be honest i woudl have a joint bank account.
Not being funny but she is only not working to look after your child you had together, i dont think she should feel guilty about spending money you have earned.

My take on it is its both of your money as she is at home becasue she has a child which is also your child, if she was working yes she woudl be earning her own money but also paying i presume someone to look after your toddler.

If you trust her and she is good with money i would say to have a joint bank account.

My ex was a stay at home dad and his girlfriend brought home the money she used to give him a weekly allowance and he felt a bit like a child with this situation like having pocket money and felt like he wasn't trusted.

I also have had 3 kids and stayed at home when they were very little and i dealt with all the finances anyway i.e making sure bills were paid, although it was not me the one who was earning.

It really something you both need to decide as i guess lots of people will have different takes on this.

I would not feel guilty spending my partners money if the reason for me to stay at home was to care for our child, so i woudl tell your girlfriend not to feel guilty.

[Proactivity]

I've considered a joint account, but not sure it's a great idea for several reasons. Before she lived with me she lived with her parents, with no bills, no credit cards, and the freedom to spend everything she earnt. A joint account would financially link us and potentially lower my credit rating, which wouldn't benefit either of us. Also, our attitudes to money are very different. She sees the amount we have left over after bills as the amount we have available to spend, whereas I'm a keen saver that ferrets away every leftover penny to secure our long-term security. Given that what I bring home is roughly 20 times what she did in her last job, treating income amount as a spending target is scary concept! A weekly amount might help her budget, and know how much she has available to spend, save, plan, etc, rather than asking me if it's ok to buy something each time.

[yummymum]

why dont you open a new account in your name or hers not both, in this account put what you class as extra money(keeping money for bills, savings etc in the old account) you could both live of that account but your bills and savings would be taken care of in the old account (which neither of you touch)

[spudqueen]

Mr Spudqueen and I don't have a joint account. When I left work to bring up our children Mr Spudqueen paid a monthly allowance into my bank account. It meant that I had some control over what I spent it on, but it had to cover food, clothes and my personal spending. All the bills and extra things went out of his account. I certainly didn't feel guilty about spending 'his' money as to my mind we are both doing a job, it's just that he had to pay me for doing mine, which to be honest, bringing up children is the most important job you can do.

[confused79]

Exactly spud queen.
You say she lives at home with her mum and dad before and didnt have to worry about bills etc.
She needs to be able to learn the responsiblity of having to pay bills etc,. and she cannot do this if she has no access to the money, to me i woudl still feel like i was being treat lilke a child living at home.
I personally dont obviosuly know yuor situation, as everyone is different and have different ideas of money.
All i am saying is what worked for me.
I was only 17 when i had my first child and my partner worked so obviously i lives at home no bills to worry about before then, I had no access really to my own money to begin with but we looked at it as he was going to work to take care of us as a unit and if i needed to by something to money was easily there to use, i was never a bad spender always paid bills and never got into debt.
Think Spud had a good idea about opening another account.
Personally i dont understand why you dont want to be financially linked if you now are a family and live together does it not make sense to be financially linked?
I also dont see how it will affect your credit rating unless she has already got a bad one.

[yinyang]

Shouldn't you have sorted this out before you had the child?
I haven't worked for five years while my husbands career has done really well but money has never been an issue of resentment or guilt. Now I'm working part time from home and his wages are massively bigger than mine. We have a joint account, we pay the bills and we decide how much we can spend and save,
I'm good with money and I do set household budgets that I work to but would feel patronised and humiliated if my husband decided to give me an allowance. What if your partner runs out of baby food or nappies and finds out she's spent that weeks allowance?
You really
If you are lucky enough to have money left over at the end of each month and that amount doesn't vary much why not set up a direct debit so a certain amount goes straight into a high interest savings account and the rest is money for spending together.
When you say your partner feels quilty for spending your money, what do you do to reassure her about this, seeing as she is working bloody hard looking after your child? I get the feeling that you do kind of hold this over her head. She can only learn to be responsible if you give her some freedom and guidance if you feel she needs it and it is done in the right way.
Who pays for the many things a toddler regularly needs? If she decides to go back to work who will pay for childcare?

[HM1]

We have a 17 month old daughter and I stay at home with her. My husband puts a set amount into the joint account every month. We've worked out how much our bills come too so therefore know what is spare. Basically we have very little spare money so are very careful with what we spend on luxuries. If I need to buy clothes, for example, we check what money we have in the joint account so I know roughly what I can spend. We do have the odd takeaway or night out, but don't go mad.

[winny]

I have to admit that it took me a while (after owning my own house and being financially independant) to accept that the income from mr W was OURS not his. However this wore off. We are rather opposite and The wages go into a joint account to which I have both cards. I transfer a set amount to Mr W each month for his pleasure (too much in my eyes i cant figure out what he spends it on). I have control of the rest. He actually likes it this way as he knows he would see the balance and spend it regardless of what was left to go out. If you speek to your g/f you may find you will come to a compromise and she may accept an allowance. She can always ask for a bit more here and there if shopping goes over or for a new outfit etc so she cannot go mad. If she accepts she is a spend frith or is it just your interpretation of what she might do. In which case you have a lot of talking to do.

[joko]

open a separate savings account and then set up a direct debit from your main account for a certain amount to go into it every week.
leave in the main account whatever you are happy for her to spend

[Pottyone]

How about her getting a little part time job, such as Avon? I did this when my little boy was 9 months old and it doesn't take long each week and she could do it when she liked. It doesn't earn loads, but enough for her to maybe get her hair done when she wants, or I found I used it to buy my boyfriend's birthday present so that he hadn't actually bought his own! Our local supermarket also has Mum's working in it for shifts as little as 4 hours a week. Just a thought.