Chic Murray

[marval]

Visiting London, I was asked by a stranger, "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?" I replied, "I didn't even know it was away."

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.

If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.

I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.

We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

My girlfriend's a redhead, no hair, just a red head.

My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself.

My wife went to a beauty parlour and got a mud pack. For two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off. She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

I knocked and the woman opened the door in her night dress. I thought to myself at the time what a strange place to have a door.

My next door neighbour said "Is it OK if I use your lawnmower?" I replied, "Certainly, just don't take it out of my garden!"

[jeffa]

Was the sleepwalking one so funny you had to include it twice?

[marval]

Oops, sorry

[anneasquith]

fabulous. chick murray walking along the road and tripped and fell down. a woman passed and said ''oh did you fall; he says . ' no im just trying to break a bar of toffee I have in my back pocket''

[jeffa]

That's because that's a real Chic quote, anne. Most of the above are Tommy Cooper - the redhead one certainly is.

[pixie373]

Lol!

[anneasquith]

I know the toffee one is CM, jeffa, are you sure the others are tommy cooper ?

[marval]

I was told they were Chick Murray, but they could be someone else.

[jeffa]

Yes, anne, that's what I said!

[anneasquith]

whoever they are, still funny marvel,

[marval]

Thank you Anne

[denis567]

I used to laugh when Chic Murray used to say, in his dry manner 'I got up this morning, I had to get up because I was in bed'

[nungate]

No doubt for me that's lot is pure Chic Murray.

[maggiebee]

I called my wife dear - I knew she was a dear because of her antlers. Think that, or something very similar, was CM