Husband Right Or Wrong.

[cris r]

hi I'm sitting here upset yet again with my husband and asking myself is it me.
After driving around in my Honda CRV for ten years my husband decided we should change it for a smaller more econominal run around, My Honda had a few chip marks on it but for a ten year old car it was in very good condition.
Two weeks ago we part exchanged it for a Toyota Aygo. When I picked it up with my son it had a few chips on it also a few light scratch marks but it was three years old and the marks were nothing that really stood out. However this evening my husband has gone mental saying that since he washed it yesterday it has three new scratches on it I disagreed with the three, maybe one on the door was small but new ? but I work in retail and no matter where i park my car I can not guarentee it will never get a mark on. I actually feel like giving my job up as i don't know how I'm suppose to say it won't happen again i have tried parking in different bays.
I can never say the right things in these situations i just get so upset because he accuses me of being negligent and not being mindful of where I park the car when i don't really have much choice.
He went out to T Cut the car then came in angry saying he will book it in to a body repair shop.
( we are not talking about a big scratch it is tiny ) this just makes me more cross and even confused if it gets knocked again I will be in more trouble, its a no win situation. I don't know how to respond to this without starting a massive row. My husband is very materealistc and also controling so i find whatever I say it is wrong. We are not youngsters we have been married forty years. I thought he would mellow as he got older, any sugestions how to handle this

[Mamyalynne]

I don't think it's for anyone else to say who is right or wrong but it seems to me that if he has always been this way he's not going to change.

I'd drop my voice low and tell him that you have to park it and leave it, you haven't done anything intentional and he is being unreasonable.

Don't row just state your case.

[Cloverjo]

You could try ignoring him. I have a similar OH who can blow off the handle for no reason, but he would not be bothered by a few scratch marks on a car.
Just carry on with what you're doing and don't give up your job.

[anneasquith]

It matters not a bit how long you have been married, he sounds quite bullying, would ignoring/not responding to his immature rants work ?

[kvalidir]

The post seems to suggest to me that this is your car? If so I would calmly tell him you have no need of it going into a body shop for a scratch a it may happen again and you don't want to spend the money on it, so YOU have decided not to. Don't get into a row, as Mamy etc says, just state your decision, and whatever you do don't give up your job.

[woofgang]

so its your car but he decides to change it and gets upset because its scratched. Seriously I think you might think about if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life? You are an adult....you shouldn’t “be in trouble” with you husband.

[Barmaid]

1) IT IS NOT YOU.
2) I have read some of your previous posts and it seems to me that your husband is very controlling.
3) Do not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
4) Consider if you want to live like this.

[david small]

That's right barmaid, wolfgang encouraging dissent, they have been together forty years. Why not abandon the relationship. Communication, respect, and understanding. Perhaps Relate? Don't chuck it, mend it.

[woofgang]

Seems like the OP’s partner isn’t offering much of any of those things and hasn’t for some time. I did not suggest dissent, I did suggest giving thought to how the OP wanted to spend the rest of her life and stated that she is an adult and should not be “in trouble” with her husband. I thought all of the comments were pretty reasonable actually.....
What do you think the OP should do? continue to put up with control and abuse?

[atalanta]

If you have been married for forty years, I wonder if your husband is retired. He may have time on his hands with nothing better to do than find fault. I imagine you will be retiring yourself before too long, so you have to ask yourself - can you put up with his bullying full-time when you have no job to go to ? Life with him just mornings, evenings and weekends is one thing - life with him 24 hours a day could be intolerable. You have some thinking to do, and maybe you could use some advice. If you retire with things as they are, you may be retiring into misery. Just because he is a habit in your life is no reason to let him continue in his nasty selfishness. Do something positive, I beg you, or you could end up even unhappier than you are now.

[anneasquith]

No decent relationship should make you unhappy and sad,

[tamborine]

I suggest you give him the foul V, tell him you'll get a taxi to work & he can keep his precious car!

[RobNorth]

Wrong! he should be supportive and make little of it. However:
There's something wierd in the psyche of men about the paintwork on wheeled vehicles. If something has wheels on, the paint had better be right!
You can deliver a half million pound machine tool or a very large overhead crane to a factory and no-one takes a bit of notice - they could be painted with (and sometimes are) an old roller.....but deliver a relatively cheap Mobile crane or forklift truck or even a dumper truck etc. and all the experts appear out of the woodwork to kick the tyres and minutely check.....the paintwork!! EVERYBODY'S an expert, touching, squinting along the panels.....
Women do not have this affliction at all, but some men take it to extremes, as sounds to be the case here - a few weeks working in a car wash would probably be a cure.
Do not give up your job - ever!

[Hopkirk]

Stand up for yourself, even if it starts a massive row.

[ummmm]

Don't let him upset you. Like Woof says, no one should get in trouble with their spouse over something so trivial.

[waterboatman]

Husband very much wrong! He has no right to treat you like that. Tell him so.

[murraymints]

withdraw all goodwill..let him cook ..do laundry..shop etc etc for himself..but don't kick off just do not respond and let him fend for himself in a quiet manner..works for me when oh gets uppity...don't back down 'till his attitude changes...

[ummmm]

I wouldn't do that, Minty, it just prolongs an argument. I'd just ignore his moaning. Don't take personally, write it off as grumpy moaning.

[murraymints]

always works for me ummmm ! no arguments.no anything...'till his face untwists !

[mallyh]

big hugs to you for been so patient x I agree with minty,and I would tell him to shut up moaning .was his dad like this ?

[ummmm]

I suppose it depends on the person. Ignoring me would achieve nothing and nor would it with my OH. Ignoring my son does get results.