The way my life is headed

[jibjab]

Dont get me wrong, things could be very worse, but i need to get this off my chest.

I am a goodlooking shy 23 year old lad, but have a lot of worries about the way my life is heading....

I am in a good job, steady girlfriend, but my mates have said to me that nobody respects me as i am UNDER THE THUMB and a sissy, they say i am a boy amongst men....

I have to admit, i am not good with confrontation or asking for what i want, so maybe this is why?? they all have girlfriends but still manage to do other things and are the MEN in their relationships,

It feels to me as if being quiet stops you getting what you want from life???

I have started to notice things too, like i get treated differently to other ppl at work because i wont stand up for myself or be confrontational....

the same goes for my home life.... my younger sister gets what she wants whereas i am left looking stupid all the time

How the hell can i change at this age (23?). I feel like nobody respects me and that it will only get worse

i want to be ONE OF THE LADS, but i dont seem to be accepted as a MAN

[jno]

there are different issues here... You've mentioned your girlfriend before, but how you work things out with her is between the two of you. Getting on with mates is a slightly different matter. It may be that they too are under their wives'/gfs' thumbs but are hiding it; or they may be other wise unhappy in private. Don't assume that everyone else is always happier than you. Don't imagine that life involves a conflict between friends and girlfriend; try to sort out time with both, but you can't spend all your time with either of them.

In particular, it's important to be yourself. Being a 'man' is a much more complex business than it used to be, and does not necessarily involve getting your way all the time, or telling people what to do. Plenty of people are quiet and shy, but they're still good people.

[littleoldme]

With friends like that...

OK, firstly there is nothing wrong with not being "one of the lads", if that's not what you're meant to ber. You're obviously a sensitive person - a quality to be proud of, by the way, not ashamed - and probably a darn sight deeper than most of your laddish mates. You say you have a steady girlfriend - does she complain about you not being 'manly' enough? Or is she, as I suspect, glad to be with someone who is caring and has some sensitivity and doesn't just see her as a trophy?

I'd much rather resolve issues through reasoning than confrontation too, but I am now better than I used to be at getting my own way. If you are genuinely worried there are many assertive courses you could try - I can't vouch for them myself as I've never tried them, but just a thought.

Don't confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness though. You don't have to fight to be a man, as that great philosopher...erm...Kenny Rogers once sang. :-) Good luck!

[feebee]

Why dont you try reading some books on assertiveness, you could borrow them from a library. I have found them to be very useful.

[rugeleyboy]

jibjab, you remind me of me!!

when i was your age i did pretty much what your saying, happy to go with flow.

it wasnt till i was 26 that i said "b*lls to this, im off".

did it change me...no!!

i am still not confrontational, i have 4 men who work for me and they do as i ASK,not say!

if you have got friends then you ARE one of the lads!!

your girlfriend is with you for you, not your mates!

your sister wont be as independant as you cause she gets what she wants and doesnt have to get it herself!!

but the best advise i can give you ..... if you want respect off others you have got to learn to respect yourself!

[Aschenbach]

I sometimes feel like that when I'm in a crowded bar and people are shouting over me and getting served before me. It's natural to think 'Is it because it's me?' sometimes. You wouldn't be human without some insecurity.

I don't quite get the point of being perceived 'as a man' by your friends. I'd guess you are perhaps the joker in the pack who isn't taken seriously when he wants to be. Perhaps you've outgrown your home/ social environment and need to take a change of direction?

[lizwizz]

Write down things that YOU want to change and things that YOU are happy with. Then you can prioritise what you want to do and decide how you want to go about it. It seems to me you don't like yourself very much and you're not very confident. You can change some things you don't like about yourself, such as working out what situations make you lack confidence and thinking about how you could deal with them differently. Ask someone you respect what they like about you, what they would change, if anything, but be prepared to accept their reply without being offended. What about being one of the lads, whats that about?? True friends accept you for what you are, warts and all. Above all, be yourself, I'm sure you've got loads of qualities that you yourself don't recognise. Good luck.

[spikeztruss]

just a short sentence which might not help or could be otherwise.

What makes a man, is in the decision he make.

Responsible
Considerate
etc...