Is this right or wrong?

[buffymad]

There's been various problems I've had before (see previous posts of mine!) but thought all was sorted. Apparently not ...

New question ... if you're in a relationship with someone, whether it be married or not, is it right for another woman (female work friend) to be flirting with your other half?! This person is naturally flirty and does it with a lot of other male friends. She's in a relationship herself but it sounds rather weird - in that they don't do anything together hardly. I can cope with texting etc but the texts are rather flirty and certainly more than friendly (but not sexual). Hubby says he knows what she's like and has admitted she is flirty and seeks attention but thats just part of her nature. He doesn't necessarily think its right she's like that but he's not going to tell her "how to be". Fair enough. But from my side, I think she's taking the pee by texting him (a lot) and being flirty. Hubby has said when he gets flirty texts he's aware of it, but doesn't bother him as he doesn't reply in the same vein and just thinks "its her being her".

I think most other women would be annoyed if another woman was doing that to their other half. Shows no respect for me. Oh, and she knows this has upset me before in the past and she's decided to step it up apparently. Doesn't that make her a nasty person?

I do know her (as such). Hubby is going to tell her texts are going to be cut down as its causing upset. Do you think I should speak to her personally so she gets the message (in a nice way of course, ahem!)?

Grrr ... people !!!!!!

[Bbbananas]

Yes - speak to her personally, I have a feeling then, and only then, she may stop it.

[redcrx]

"This person is naturally flirty and does it with a lot of other male friends." so she isnt directing it at your husband as a way to start something?

if its just her personaility then trust your fella to ignore it.

[Bbbananas]

I thought that too red, until I read the bit where buffy says this woman is well aware it upsets her and "she's decided to step it up".

I think she needs having a word with - nicely, of course.

[buffymad]

Even if she doesn't fancy him (which I had my doubts about anyway), I still don't think its very nice of her to aim her flirtiness in my husband's direction! Its like I'm invisible and she forgets I exist. Or that she treats him as a single man.

What would I say to her? Just state the facts ... aware of what you're doing, don't you think that's wrong, hubby aware of what you're doing and what you're like but doesn't bother him coz he doesn't see you that way, but to me it feels like you're taking the pee??

Glad someone agrees with me though, lol!

[sara3]

does she need to be texting him at all, out of work time? I think she's pushing her luck. I'd have a word with her, or tell hubby to have a word with her (which would sound better than you doing it).. but he should tell her that HE thinks it's inappropriate, not that you're upset by it.

[Bbbananas]

She may just be innocently flirting, or having a laugh, and mean no malice or upset. However, if as you say she is aware that it upsets you, and yet she still keeps on doing it, then she does need to be told to back off a bit - either by yourself or your husband.
She probably just sees it as amusing and thinks you're being oversensitive. Maybe you are - but I wouldn't be too pleased with it if it happens a lot - I don't think many women would be.

[cherrychapstick]

Hi Buffy ,

Was just thinking about you the last few days ,this is not good

Hubby is going to tell her texts are going to be cut down as its causing upset. no he should be saying no more texting ,does he text her back when she texts ? if so let him know this is just egging her on to send more texts!, got a wee idea of how you maybe able to get them to stop wait till she sends one and then say to your hubby that you would like to text her back ,just in the text say hi ???? how are you .??? here and see what happens from there.

if it still persists after he says he has spoken to her ,then it is time for you to step in tell him that you are going to have a word with her(in a nice way)

[tamborine]

buffymad ...did she flatten your OH to get his fone number? Your fight is not with the flirt but it IS with your OH & his big ego. If OH had any respect for you he would change his number & break communication with the flirt.

Get him - not her!

[cherrychapstick]

Tambo you have to read the other post to get the full picture

[cherrychapstick]

http://www.theanswerb...k/Question843855.html

[buffymad]

Well she texts him about work (they work on different sites but for the same people) but then it leads into normal chit chat (albeit flirty on her side!). Not all the texts are flirty mind but the fact that some of them are is the problem.

Hubby of the opinion if he can just shrug it off (means nothing to him, he's even said she'd be a nightmare partner because of how she is!) then I should be able to ignore it or laugh it off too. Easier said than done and he can't quite understand why its getting to me so much (typical man!).

I did say he could word it another way - ie even if he said it was causing upset and he didn't want that. I will see what he says and her response ...

Yes, I thought she might think its funny that she gets to me which is why I've tried to ignore things in the past - but its just too much. Even if she is doing it "innocently", surely she'd still think hmm, he's a married man (and oh, I'm in a relationship myself), maybe this will bother people and I shouldn't do it! I know I wouldn't!!

Did ask hubby what he'd think if it was me flirting with every man breathing and he said that would be different - of course!!!!!!

[joggerjayne]

Some people are naturally a bit flirtatious (me!)

... but I think it's only okay if you do it in front of the other person's other half.

Most girls find it flattering that you would want to flirt with their husband/BF.

If you flirt with the husband, and then turn to the wife and say ...

... "Do you need Josh tonight? If you're not using him, I'll look after him for you" ...

... the wife is amused, and flattered that her man is considered attractive.

BUT ... you should never do it behind the other person's back ...

... because then, it stops being fun, and becomes sneaky.

Text messages, for instance ... sneaky.

And, as you say ... showing no respect for the other person.

You do need to stop this woman doing this - or your husband does.

[buffymad]

Cherry - hello again! Well in a perfect world there'd be no texts and he knows that. But she does need to tell him work related things (I've seen them) and vice versa (other people do too). I didn't mind the texts (to start off with) as they were just normal rubbish. He's said that I'd prefer it if he didn't have any friends (during an argument). Not true! Typical that I sorted myself out and now it turns out she's exactly like I thought she was!

I did say that by replying to her, he is just egging her on. I do kind of feel sorry for him coz not many people text him (arghh) so I can see how he likes having some attention himself. Just not THAT kind of attention! So I'd love to give him an ultimatum - actually told him that and said I wouldn't do it coz I'd be scared of coming off worse (he said don't be stupid).

I did say to him that I'd like to speak to her to "get in her head" and see where she's coming from. He wasn't very happy about it but I don't suppose he can do anything to stop me. Especially now as he's going to have a word with her - opens the door for me to get in touch so to speak??

Tamborine - see comments about work texts.

Don't worry, I know he's not 100% perfect in this picture and he knows I'm not happy with things.

[buffymad]

Jogger Jayne - thanks - you summed it all up perfectly!

[tamborine]

cherrychapstick - Y? I answer the Q regardless of other's opinions; no I haven't read other posts - is there a rule that I should?

[brenda]

Sorry , but I,d punch him and slap her one.I can't be doing with all the philosophy of the flirting game.

[cherrychapstick]

no tambo ,i suppose you don't have to although it would have gave a better picture of what was happening.
i wouldn't say the guy isn't doing anything wrong but could be preventing his wife from being hurt they do talk a lot about things which i quite admire he doesn't keep it a secret that she is texting him which is a good thing.
the woman in question is however in the wrong by sending flirtatious texts to a married man (even if they weren't married it would be wrong)
that is why i suggested that she texts back and lets the woman know that she does see the texts and maybe would put an end to it!

If that doesn't work i would be having words with both parties i don't think it is right that your hubby thinks it is ok for this woman to do it but not you i don't see the difference to be quite honest with you

[buffymad]

Cherry - spot on as usual! Can you become my personal agony aunt, tee hee!

Well hubby's comment about telling her it's causing upset was a slightly throw away remark. He's confirmed he obviously wouldn't lay the blame on me (because he doesn't see it that way) but he will say something that lets her know he's not wanting me upset. He's going to tell me her reaction too. Then I think that leads the way for me to speak to her ... quite looking forward to it now!

As for the ok for her to do it and not me ... I think he knows it's not right (well he even said it) which is why he couldn't really give me an answer if it was me doing it! He knew I was in the right ... of course!

[tamborine]

Attacking the flirt is folly. He will only find another to flirt with as he has that weakness. Attack him & his big ego.....if he can't get in line, kick him out!

[cherrychapstick]

thanks buffy of course i can lol

I'm am just glad your man does see that it is wrong and is doing something about it , by the way you have spoke about him this guy really loves you and would do anything to protect you ,most guys would just argue the point and say stop being silly and that would be the end of it from their point of view it's things like this that break relationships and shouldn't be taken lightly ,you have done so well lately keep it up , i just see one problem now with all this happening i just hope i am wrong and it is not your only topic of conversation at the moment