Do I make a stand or carry on?

[Jeffju]

This is quite complex, hence the short sharp facts!! I'm 50 he is 58. Been in relationship since July 2006. I still have 18 yr old son living with me. We both have our own homes although I spend more time in his than my own. I travel back and fore a lot to mine from his and to work and sometimes feel like I'm living out of a back pack!! He does visit me but less often lately due to ill health and because of previous divorce then another relationship going wrong he says he doesn't want to get house together because I still have my son with me and he doesn't want to take the whole thing on again. He does love me and I love him but he does like his own way and I dont want to carry on like this regardless and end up heartbroken in 2 or 3 years time.

Sounds like I may have answered my own question but I am still really confused as to what to do, make a stand or carry on and hope he loves me enough to eventually want to be together properly. People dont change but I know he loves being with me and I think if it wasn't for me having a son still relying on me we would be together in one house.

[banjobabe]

Hey Jeffju,

I'm in a similar situation. My daughter lives with her Dad but still comes to visit. My bf and I have our own places, I mostly end up staying with him - not because it's easier but because if I don't, I don't see him as much!

I get annoyed sometimes because he is a groundworker so goes to work in mucky clothes, I work in an office and have to wear a uniform. He can stick all his stuff in a carrier and come to mine much easier than me going to him with my nicely pressed uniform.

Every now and then I will make a stand. I will spend the weekends with him and come home during the week, he will occasionally come and stay with me on a Wednesday.

Sometimes I think I would like to move in with him. But he only has one bedroom and does not have a sofa/camp bed for my daughter. Besides I would probably want to kill him after a while!

I think for the time being at least you need to make it work as best you can, at the end of the day you still need to be there for your son.

All relationships are risky you don't get any guarantees.

I think that you need to really think about what you want from this relationship. You may find that you can say you will spend 3/4 nights a week at his house and the rest at yours until your circumstances change. You may find that he will come and stay with you more often that way.

I think it is always good to think about what you would like in an ideal situation and then think about what you are willing to change due to your current circumstances.

I hope this helps you some. Though I don't tend to take my own advice lol

BB xx

[Jeffju]

Hi, yes I do need to think about what I really want to change, if anything. Thanks for your answer its good to see things from another viewpoint.

[raysparx1]

Hi jeffju, I think I would leave things as they are at the moment, you enjoy each others company, and as we get older we do get a bit set in our ways, I know we shouldn't but we do, your son will probably soon be making his own way, so I don't see that as being a major problem, I hope he isn't just using your son as an excuse, but only you can decide that one. some people like the company but after previous bad things happening are a bit scared to jump in to deep to quickly because of the past hurt. why don't you just enjoy it for the moment and in a little while have a talk about what each other wants from the future, good luck to you hope all works out well for you, Take care, Ray

[MiniN]

hey there,

perhaps its best to talk it through with your boyfriend before you make any decisions? you sound like you care fo him alot and it would be terrible to split up if you could talk it through and come to a compromise? (eg you move in to his permanently and your son gets his own place?)

my advice - talk it through and then make a decision on what will make you the most happiness in the long run.

good luck and i hope it all works out for the best x

[Konsai]

im an 18 year old boy/man? haha... hardly..
i havent got any expirience at all compared to you guys, but just one thing, dont leave your son! :D

[Jeffju]

That would never be an option. Leaving would be his perogative not mine. He will go when he is ready and with my support. 18 is just a number, everyone is different, emotionally he is a young 18. Thank you for your comment.