Scottish Jokes

[maggiebee]

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies

Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae

What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden? He rooted it oot.

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, “Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?” Policeman replies, “No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee.”

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. We managed to make it home in one piece”

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock”

[chrissa1]

That first one made me laugh out loud. Very good. :)

[marval]

Brilliant Maggie

[Patsy33]

Lol...

[goodgoalie]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Bing sings, and Walt disnae

[marval]

I am not Scottish, but may I add one?

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?” The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

[tonyav]

Some of these Scotsmen are crazy I tell ya ;-)

[marval]

It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down, "Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?"
"No, skipper," came the reply, "but there’s a MacPherson willing to try."

[tonyav]

LOl.

[-SharonA-]

Minty will love these!

[marval]

As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps.

MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds.

One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.

"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."

"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."

[tonyav]

He gets around.

[mallyh]

as a souffy i don't get the first and last joke x

[maggiebee]

Mallyh: The first one - Scots say "comfy?" meaning where do you come from. Last one - The gun goes off at Edinburgh Castle at 1 pm every day. If a gun goes off in Glasgow, well................

[mallyh]

thanks for that xx

[Chipchopper]

Great Scott!!