Do you fight for love?

[Englishbird]

Do you fight to be with someone you like, or should it not be a fight. When I say fight, I don't mean fisty cuffs with opposition at dawn, i mean more emotionally fight. I like someone and I know he likes me, but not sure to what extent. He is also seeing someone else (he's always been honest about this). I've started liking him more than i thought i did. The 'easiest' thing for me would be to walk away from this because my gut reaction is that it's going to be less painful in the long run, but is that wimping out rather quickly. If I stand and (emotionally) fight, what the hell do i do!! or do I run for cover and go and meet someone who's ready and willing for the relationship that I want. I'm feeling pretty miserable at the moment. all answers greatly appreciated x

[WendyS]

Heads you win, tails you lose. Maybe you just have to back both horses in this particular issue and see which one wins. However, only you know your own emotional stress levels. If you think you've got the courage to stay the course, chance your arm. Otherwise, walk away now, having scrubbed him off the race card. Who knows, he might even come after you at a future date if the other relationship fails.

[jno]

depends on the two of you. Is he the sort of person who'd be flattered by being fought over? (If so he might later engineer situations where it happens.) Or would he rather avoid emotional storms? (If so he might be the sort who takes you for granted.)

More important, what about you? Do you want to battle for love? Or do you think love is something that should come naturally, something to relax into like an armchair? Both are widespread and perfectly valid views, but you can probably only hold one at a time. Which is the real you?

[Englishbird]

thanks guys

wendy, like the bit about backing both horses, will have to have a think about that and see if i think it's 'do-able'

jno, honestly, I think I think (if you see what I mean) that it should be something you are prepared to battle over. I have a bit of a warped view tho i guess as my main significant relationship was a constant battle. So I don't really know any different.

any other opionions welcome, i've got a lot of thinking to do.x

[irisred]

Hi Englishbird, I'm in a similar situation myself. Met a fantastic guy, we get on really well, have loads in common. I like him and I know he likes me, he gives me all the right signals and then right at the last minute he backs off. I've always been one to fight for something I believe in and I really think this could be something great. However, I'm also very aware that I don't want to scare him off, he obviously has doubts or concerns and I'd rather hear them and work at them if at all possible.

I'm not miserable but I'm oh so very tired, its giving me sleepless nights I can tell you!

Englishbird alas I have no answers for you but I do know how you are feeling!

I hope this works out well for both of us!!

Red x

[helsbels666]

Hiya!

Im am of the belief that anything worth having is worth fighting for, not much in life that we want comes easy (maybe ive had a hard life! LOL). However, what disturbs me is the the fact that he is seeing someone else.

Whilst i appreciate this is not your concern here i can but think that these things only lead to hurt...not just for his girlfiend (i've been there and its hell) but also for you. As Wendy says its a no win situation for anyone. The only way i can see this going for gold is if he gets out of the relationship hes already committed to as gently as possible. Afterall, what about sisterhood??!!

[irisred]

Hi Englishbird, I completely missed the part about him seeing someone else! Duh! My approach with the added complexity would be slightly different.

Yes I still agree its worth fighting for if there is really something there but at the same time you really have to tread carefully to look after yourself. If there is something wonderful there then he will see it eventually and you pointing it out to him, subtly, might help that along but in the same way if he really doesn't want the same from you then I guess you should respect that and bow out gracefully. He may even realise what he's missed out on!

Good luck!

[helsbels666]

thank goodness you just missed it! Thought it was just me being all 'moralistic'!!

[kinkybean]

jfj

[jno]

I saw it but don't think it's necessarily a major issue - we often have to decide between two people (well, not that often when you get to my age) and I was assuming Englishbird wouldn't just settle for being a bit on the side, and wouldn't let the other woman be one either. No harm in saying to him 'I know you're going out with someone else, but I fancy you too' and seeing what happens. Stealing someone else's man isn't great, but you're entitled to state your case and let him decide.

[rampart]

My girlfriend fought for me. And by fight, I also do not mean fists and cuffs. We broke up, but bumped into eachother at a very nice party at a country estate. She was a perfect lady and by no means pushy. We talked for a long time, then went out for lunch with friends. She was never blunt nor aggressive nor chatty. She simply made known how she felt about us, but I cannot tell you how. I just knew. I was seeing another girl at the time, but I knew that was going no where. I do not even remember how I told the other girl we were through, but I did. The following year, we were engaged, and the year after that, we walked down the aisle at the cathedral.

Human relationships are never easy. Certainly we've had our fights during our marriage. But once we made our vows, we also committed to working through problems. So we have our share of bad times, but we always work through them and have a wonderful relationship.

I am glad she fought for me, but as I said, Englishbird, I cannot tell you exactly how she did that. Whatever it was, it worked, and I grew more and more fond of her, to the point that I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

I think you are serious about this man. I think I've seen a post or two from you about him. Methinks you should pursue in a very lady-like manner!

[helsbels666]

To 'fight ' for some pone does not mean let them 'decide' it is tant amount to persuasion and in my book that is breaking up a relationship. If you can live with that fine. If he isn't happy he should get out of the relationship. Then fight to be with him.

[gilby]

if he is with someone then you shouldn't go there. I have been with someone for 8 years and bought a house with him. We have never has any reason to argue or doubt each other. We got engaged this year!! Recently a 'friend' of mine has been chatting him up, texting him, flirting with him....... now I am single and struggling to keep my home. Not nice..

[Englishbird]

Thank you for your comments, rampart - lovely story :o) Just to clarify, she is not his girlfriend, but he does have 'a' relationship with her. Not that that excuses any behaviour, I am not someone who has ever gone round taking what I want, and have turned many men down (well a few! lol) because they were married, I have never done that and never would. I have also never cheated on anyone.

However, I also feel as though my moral bed is a little cold.

There are many problems with any potential relationship with him, and whether or not I have the strength to get that far remains to be seen. I guess I just have to promise myself that I do whatever I do with as much grace as possible. I came through a bad break-up with my dignity intact, I have to keep a tight hold of it now.

Thanks again, some lovely answers x good luck too red :o)

[JoCannon]

Englishbird.... hope you�re not feeling as miserable as you were when you first posted your question. U have answered a few of my questions in the past and I have always admired you for your honesty, insight and "groundedness"... I'm convinced you have the strength to persevere and keep a hold of your dignity and pride... good luck chick x

[Englishbird]

Thanks Jo, no, not feeling as miserable ;o)

[Miss Zippy]

Perhaps based on your previous experience(s), you feel you have to �fight� for someone as you think you don�t really deserve this person or deserve to be pursued yourself? Or perhaps you just enjoy the thrill of the chase? If the former, then this is a self-esteem issue you have to deal with. The fact is, this person is not in a committed relationship so there is nothing stopping him being with you if that�s what he wants. If you �fight� for him, you may well get him because you have made things too easy for him but it probably wouldn�t be long-lasting. You would probably also find that he would be incredibly lazy in the relationship as he would be used to you making all the effort. Let him fight for you! Good luck.

[helsbels666]

Is this guy one of those who 'just sees lasses' but doesn't have a 'girlfriend'?? In my experience STAY CLEAR!!