Unsure of what to do

[Little Lady]

I have been seeing my BF for nearly 6 months now and am unsure of wether to carry it on or not. Maybe me thinking this means if im considering it, i should stop it. I have had relationships in the past but nothing emotionally like this, I feel very passionate for him more passionate than i have for anyone( i have been in a 4 year relationship before too)but then he says something that i think is serious and then realises its upset me so says he is joking. It gets me completely twisted up inside sometimes and he can get quite a temper on him too, he hates some people that i like and goes on about this sometimes which really gets me down as one happens to be a best mate. I know i make him sound awful but he is lovely too, it feels like a rollercoaster of emotions and feel i want to get off but i dont know what to say to him as he always belittles me. Saying all this on here has really made me think actually. I feel like if i keep giving him chances to prove himself he will change but i guess that will never happen. I'm a little scared of being on my own though i know i could find something better it is just doing it.Could i have some of your views or experiences you have had with relationships that you have been unsure of?

[Romeo]

Just my opinion, OK? You should confront him with the things you have just said here and make your feelings known to him. If he sees his errors, well good. If not, he is clearly not right for you. As I know from my own experience, people (like me) can change, but only if it is pointed out what is wrong and only if they want to do something about it. He might change his ways if he sees they upset you, if he is made aware. If he rejects your point of view, get rid of him. Do not worry about being alone, you will find someone else, I know all about that. You think there are only a few people available in the world and that time is running out, but I can tell you for sure that it is not so. Good luck, Little Lady xx

[Lillabet]

As I don't know him or you telling you what to do would be wrong. Ultimately this is your call, and yours alone. The reason I'm replying is to say that your use of the phrase "I don't know what to say to him as he always belittles me" concerns me.

Relationships can be terribly hard work - but ultimately you should surely be supportive of each other. This doesn't rule out occasional teasing and mickey taking - but shouldn't leave you feeling worse about yourself or with the impression that one partner thinks the other is less valuable.

I broke up with my ex nearly 6 months ago and being on your own can be daunting - but if you choose to end it, it is perfectly possible to be happy alone. I have a certain confidence from knowing that I can manage perfectly well on my own and don't need another person to make me happy. My ex was, and still is, a fantastic person. Basically he was offered his absolute dream job - on a different continent - there would have been nothing for me to do there and I didn't want to leave family, friends and my own career. Long distance was too hard so we ended on best of terms.

At uni however I had a relationship with someone who - looking back - was terribly insecure. He seemed to need to put people down to make himself feel better. He was a master of the subtle dig - if someone made a joke and people laughed he'd make a comment like " that was quite funny - for you." After a few months of this I began to feel my self esteem being eaten away and ended it. All the little digs soon added up.

I went on to my most recent relationship which lasted for 6 years - and even when things were difficult I never felt unvalued or undermined. I heard that my rubbish ex later had an affair with his best mate's fiancee - all about him proving himself to be more attractive. Which as you'd expect ended messily.

You know whether or not your bf is good for you. Your call...

[Little Lady]

Thankyou both for your comments, i have spoken to him a few times about these things and he says will make a fresh start etc. this why i am confused, my friends say he is to controlling too and i know he is insecure though he would never admit this. He has had a rough time in the past with his mum having an affair etc so this would probably have affected him in the way he is towards women. Im going to see him tonight afer not seeing him since monday as he was a complete **** to me over something ridicolous, i think i know what i have to do and i almost know its going to be a weight off my shoulder too, the wrod sorry is starting to come up to often to me too

[tanyavee]

He won�t change you should be enjoying life not getting upset if he has a bad temper look out. If he hates some people you like sounds like a control freak, dump him after a 4 year relationship you need some space go on holiday with your friends enjoy yourself forget him.

[funkychicken]

I think you should try seperating for a while and see how you feel then, I was in a relationship that I didn't know whether to carry on with, and I did, but now I seriously regret it. If he knows how you feel about this and the control he has over you he may well take advantage of that control (I'm not saying he would hurt you or anything because I'm sure he's lovely, but he could do more things that make you upset, just to see what he could get away with) Don't worry about being alone, just enjoy life and see what happens.
Good Luck with whatever you choose =)

[Miss Zippy]

From my experience, if your boyfriend is displaying tendencies that make you unhappy and you are having doubts this early on in the relationship, things will not improve in 6, 12 or 18 months' time. I'm sure your bf does have a charming and loving side but you need to weigh up whether the positive, loving feelings you get from the relationship outweigh the negative and how he makes you feel about yourself. A partner should bring out the best in you and make you feel confident about yourself and your life, not belittle you at every opportunity. Only you can decide whether he is right for you but I would only say never stay in a relationship because you are scared of being alone or don't like your own company. You're only cheating yourself in the long run by settling for second best because you are scared of the alternative (which will no doubt involve a number of lonely nights but will open you up to the opportunity of meeting a man who will treat you like a queen).  

[undercovers]

you sound like little mo from eastenders. Sorry I have nothing constructive to add, and haven't read the other answers but you sound like so many women who make do and mend in relationships that really aren't worth the bother - this seems to be a mostly female thing and is a sad reflection of society that women will put up with absolute crap from a man, because he can be soooo sweet, but as soon as you get a bit upset with him he'll fly off the handle. If your relationship is not equal then its not worth the effort you are putting into it... Undercovers

[BLONDI]

I had all this with an EX and I was convinced that he suffered with Asbergers. Not sure how it is spelt. But once I had read up on it, it answered a lot of ?'s for me, regarding his attitude and behaviour ( it does sound very similar to yours) We eventaully split as I had enough of the up-down of it all, it was too draining on me and not giving me what I wanted from a relationship, think that is what you need to ask yourself, is this good for me?

 Good Luck!

 

 

  

[dirtyharriet]

It doesn't sound a very healthy relationship. I have unfortunately been in a lot of abusive relationships in the past and I have to say I don't like the sound of this. He hates your friends and goes on about it, has a temper, says things that upset you and belittles you.
It sounds like the honeymoon period is over and his true colours are beginning to show. A rollercoaster of emotions may sound exciting, however for every high there is a low. You say you want him to change, and know you could find something better, so you aren't happy with him the way he is? What if he can't or won't change?
In my experience people usually don't.
If you have to come on here and ask strangers what to do, I think you really know the answer but just want to hear affirmation.

[Sasha13]

Hi Little Lady - it looks like you've been given some good advice, just as I did when I asked a kind of similar question in this section. Unfortuately my experience is far from happy. I decided to give a guy I cared very deeply about a second chance after he finished our relationship as I thought his feelings for me had changed - unfortunately they hadn't and I ended up getting hurt all over again. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time around him and it was, like your relationship, a rollercoaster of emotions until he finished things suddenly and without warning  - I'm not saying that no men can change, it's just that I've never met one who genuinely can - sorry if some people think that's a huge generalistion, it's just my experience.

There is a brilliant book that I read whilst in a previous 5 year relationship that I couldn't decide to leave because I didn't want to be on my own - again I wondered if he would change if I gave it time but eventually found the strength to 'go it alone'. The book is called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' I think, and is available in most bookshops under the self help section. I'm sorry I can't remember the author. It helps you through your feelings and guides you towards unmuddling them and coming to an objective decision - it was the best �7 odd I ever spent, and I have never looked back after dumping my ex, even with recent events. Anyway, good luck and be strong. x

P.S. Sorry to hijack this thread, but andy hughes and Romeo - how come you two guys are so good at answering this sort of question? profession or life experience?

[Little Lady]

Just to let you guys know i finished it on sat wth him and feel 100 times better now, i had a go at him and then walked out saying i never wanted to see him again after he annoyed me yet again! He has rang me a couple of times which i ignored then i answered one and told him everything else that i thought about him, he was a bit cut up should i say and doesn't want it to end but its too late now. Goodbye relationship hello singletown!

[Lillabet]

LittleLady - Congratulations on taking control and making your choice. It's great to hear that you are feeling 100 times better about it. Best of luck for the future. There are some wonderful guys out there and I'm sure you'll meet one of them. In the meantime have fun being single. Take care.

[Sasha13]

Congratulations!! Even if sometimes your head is a little unsure of whether what you did was the right thing, you'll know at the bottom of your heart whether it was or not. I'm newly single too, and although to begin with it terrified me, it's suprised me how quickly I'm realising that actually it's not a bad thing, and that I'm one day closer to finding the person that's right for me!!!