Should I Let My Pregnant Daughter Live With Me?

[Tobita]

My daughter of 24 years is expecting her first child and will raise it as a single parent. We have always had a difficult relationship and she is very angry and bitter for some things that happened in our family, while she was growing up. Mainly it was because her dad and I fought a lot and separated several times.
She moved out some time ago and has been studying and working and we have been able to get along much better. Unfortunately I am sick with emphysema and have 17% left of lung capacity. But I can live with it if I take care of myself and avoid stressed situations.
Now my daughter “demands” to move in with me in my one bedroom apartment, cause she lost her job and can’t pay her bills.
I am a very organized person and keep my place clean and tidy, but my daughter is 100% the opposite of me in that regard and has never respected this. When she comes to visit ...her clothing is all over...usually on the floor. When she cooks something, she leaves the kitchen a mess and since I try to avoid confrontation, I clean up after her. But that I can’t do anymore. But on the other hand...how can I as a mother practically let my kid in the street? I feel terrible and don’t know what to do.
For years we have talked about her not cleaning up after her and she promised 1000 times that she will improve this. But it has never ever happened and I know, that it will never happen.
We live in a country where she can get help from the government,- not that much during the pregnancy...but once she has the baby, she can get good help. But I can’t live with her not even one day,- what should I do? I really feel I’m not a good mother. Any advice will be appreciated. Thank you. A very sad mom.

[jno]

I don't think I would - it sounds as if the stress would be bad for your health. She's 24, old enough to have a child of her own; you don't have to look after her for ever. She'll need to take responsibility for her own life some time, and you're entitled to your own life too.

[Khandro]

Should I Let My Pregnant Daughter Live

Terrifying headline on latest posts

[dannyk13]

I agree with jno.Why put yourself in a situation which may cause an exacerbation of your emphysema.

[Old_Geezer]

I expect it's similar in America as here. You believe that you can't cope, then to be fair to yourself you ought to avoid the stress, and your daughter ought to understand. Can she not stay with her father ? Or can either of you afford to cover her rent until after the birth and the benefits become available ?

[dannyk13]

johnny, that's not very helpful for someone seeking an opinion on her situation.

[Butterbun]

One bedroom apartment, you, daughter and a baby coming? Not ideal. My answer would be no. Help with her rent if you can but she should be in her own accommodation. What about the father to be? Can he not help her in any way?

[KARL]

First consider the following "reversal" question: If you were to either deliberately (not at all unlikely, given widespread young female mindsets and social setups, including by your account in your country of residence) or carelessly (today no adult woman needs ever become pregnant "by accident", there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever unless she has been cosseted in some isolationist religious/cultural (dis)order through all her formative life) acquire a handicap which will remain with you for 16 years at least and at most some 21 years or so. If you have chosen to take it on when you could have decided to avoided it and you certainly had a period when you could change your mind and escape it, could you demand of your daughter that she also take on your burden ? How much would her duty to accommodate you, clean up after you, etc., etc. amount to ?

No, your daughter is an adult and is responsible for her life. By all means give her the benefit of your advice, show her understanding and sympathy if you feel it appropriate but do not let yourself become the acquiescent subject of moral pressure/blackmail. Without doubt you need to weigh up what you feel you should do for your daughter, including so as not to feel you will end up regretting any action or inaction. But do so as dispassionately as you are able to, then decide and follow through on your decision. Although noble help is admirable and has often been heart warming to learn of, one comes across lots of stories of how people "did the right thing" but all to no avail and everything ended in a mess for all concerned.

A friend of mine recently told me how in a serious conversation which her son had with his child over its upbringing, he quoted what she had sternly said to him when she brought him up. It is our duty to bring up our children so society can tolerate them. What she did not say, but I feel is the conclusion, is that after that they are on their own. As adults they almost always make their own independent choices and take on additional priorities and preferences which they must bear responsibility for. In most cases the choices are necessary, sensibly made because of and as part of their new and developing lives, but too often those priorities and preferences are of questionable merit and lead to rifts between parents and children - it is not the parents' responsibility to adapt to and carry the can for the consequences.

It would be a pity if any remaining possibility of you and your daughter finding common ground were to be destroyed, but she has in reality no more right than anyone else to commandeer your life.

Good luck.

[ladybirder]

If she has lost her job can she not get housing benefit or something like that? And it took two to bring this situation about so cant the father to be help?
As for her coming to live with you No, it won't work. Tell her to talk to the CAB.

[hc4361]

Absolutely not! As a pregnant woman the council was find accommodation for her as a priority, it may not be ideal but she will not be on the street.

[bednobs]

what about her dad - is he still around?

[Tobita]

Thank you so much for all your suggestions. They were all good answers and was hard to pick one out and unfortunately I pressed the wrong button.

[BagPussAA]

My advice would be no. Even though she is family and she is pregnant, you have also got to look after your own health first. It would be different maybe if you lived in a 2 bed house, where there was somewhere for you to escape to, a sanctuary of your own but in a one bed you will be under each others feet all the time and get on each others nerves very quickly.
Stay away from this kind of stress. She will be able to get a council house as she is pregnant and has nowhere else to live so its not like she is going to be living on the streets.

[weecalf]

If you do your wrong if you don’t your wrong .So the less of two might be let her stay and insist she gets her act together .If this becomes too much for her she may be the one who sees it not working and move out .