Mental Health Advice

[VHG]

This is a long question but it needs to be long to explain it all.

One of my close family members, female (47) is married to a man of the same age and they have 2 children (11 and 8). They have been married about 13 years, but lived together for about 10 years before getting married.

While he was ok at first, he has always been it bit "strange", somewhat remote, a bit of a loner, and is not a great mixer. He also suffers from a certain amount of OCD.

All his adult life he has jogged but he has to write down how many miles he has run each day/week/month. He has also kept track of each plane that he has flown on and how many miles he has flown (as does his father), and also each time they fill up with petrol he makes a note of how many litres and what the mileage is on the car (he has been doing this for years for no reason really).

After they had been living together for about 8 years she asked him to marry her on Valentines day and he said "it has never really occured to me".

She booked a date for a wedding without telling him and gave him the date (2 months in the future) but he went into such a state of worry and panic about it that they had to cancel the wedding date.

Eventually he decided getting married was ok so they married a few months later.

He seemed very happy at first, and was very happy when both chldren came along.

But gradually over the years he had become more and more "controlling" and a pain to live with and now their marriage is collapsing.

He is paranoid about what the kids eat and insists they only eat "good" food, but carries it to the extreme, telling them off if they dont eat their last bit of carrot or brocilli. If they go out for a meal he wont let the kids order chips and often makes them cry at the restaurant if they cant order what they want.

He took the children to HIS parents a few months ago and even they told him off for the way he was dealing with the kids and what they eat.

When he comes home from work he asks how much "fresh air" the kids have had and if they have not been out he will take them out in the evening to get some fresh air.

The 11 year old is starting to want to wear her own clothes but he insists on telling her what to wear, and this often leads to arguments.

Both the children are lovely good natured children with no issues, but he seems to row with them all the time, often over trivial things, and often makes them cry. He makes a "big issue" over the most trivial things.

The younger boy is starting to say things like "you are a horrible daddy" and the older girl does not want to go out anywhere with him any more.

The situation beween my female relative and him has totally broken down.

They have not been intimate for "years". She has been a great wife and mother, planning and organizing all the home life, plus organizing holidays and so on, but he does not appreciate anything she has done and has never thanked her or bought her flowers in all the years they have been together.

Even though I have known him for years I have never really got to know him (he keeps a "barrier" up, even to his wife) and I dont think I could go and talk to him about his problems.

I did go and talk to his best male friend, hoping he would be able to talk to him (and they did have a talk but the friend said he got nowhere).

Personally I think he need medical help, probably for a mental problem.

Does anyone recognize his mental problems, is it an extreme form of OCD, of something else?

Anyone got an ideas how to deal with this because I can see them splitting up this year if it is not sorted.

[China Doll]

He probably needs to see his GP but that would mean admitting theres's a problem and he might not be of a mindset to do that. I've no idea what it could be, it doesn't exactly sound like OCD to me, it actually sounds more like a form of autism from what you say... But I am not clinical at all and his mental health needs to be assessed in much the same way you would assess any medical condition. He sounds very inflexible and I wonder if that is a way of controlling his own anxieties and/or feelings. Anyway, a professional needs to look in to it further.

Regardless of whether I loved the person or not, I probably would take the children out of the equation (or ask him to leave for a time) because his behaviour is now having a knock on effect on them which can only be detremental in the long run.

[ummmm]

Could he just be a control freak?

[RATTER15]

it does sound a little like autism or asperger syndrome, I see these traits in the people I work with. Maybe his wife could have a chat with a professional psychologist or a GP to find the next step forward. I really think this situation needs fairly urgent attention though.

[EvianBaby]

OCD is a very much over & wrongly used label and I don't think this is it.

To be honest, he sounds a little like my brother who wants his children to succeed so much in life that he actually makes life very hard for them.

[RATTER15]

ummmm you could be right but I think to be on the safe side it needs investigating as it sounds a little over the top and there are children at risk if this behaviour escalates and it sounds like it is progressing.

[ummmm]

I lived with a control freak. The more control you give them, the more they want. You'd be amazed what lengths they would go to to take complete control.

[VHG]

My wife works with people with learning disabilities, and she often says she thinks he has aspergers syndrome.

He is a high achiever, which many people with aspergers syndrome are (he did go to university and got a degree). He is now teacher.

But I always say he has no "social antenna" as he does not always know how to say and do the "right thing" in social situations.

While he does not come to visit us very much now (our female relative wont bring him) he often came in the past but would often finish up falling asleep on the sofa or in an armchair, or even lying on the floor and falling asleep.

I think in all the 20 or so years I have known him he has never asked me a question (how are you, where are you going on holiday etc), he just does not interact with people at all.

I have to say I find it a bit sad as he was quite good fun the first year or so they were together (she brought him out of his shell) but he has gradually gone back into his shell year after year until now he is impossible to live with.

I went round their house a few months ago and was standing in the hall and he started shouting at his daughter about some trivial thing (she was upstairs). I found it so upsetting I had to go and stand outside.

I could not stand 5 minutes in the house, so I am not sure how the family stand to be in there all the time.

[maggiebee]

I wouldn't profess to be any type of expert in the medical field but it sounds as if there is more to this than just being a "control freak". Is there any medical condition that might turn him into a "control freak", the problem would seem to be more deep seated and might even run in the family if he mimics his father's behaviour.

[wolf63]

I agree with Ratter's first post. I would have said that Asperger's syndrome would be the most probable cause. He feels a need to control his life - or elements of it that he is able to control. It sounds like he has lost a grip on what is important and what is not - by that I mean that what has started as harmless idiosyncrasies in his personality have started to impact on the life of others.

He needs to see his GP.

[MadMen]

I agree with the control freak comment. I can think of two people I know who are very similar, one being my ex. In fact, as I was reading it, I was thinking how much it sounded like him and his behaviors towards myself and the children. It's a severe case of "my way or the highway".
I'm not so sure I'd agree that the writing of how many miles he's done is a form of OCD, although it does take many different forms and is actually quite difficult to diagnose when it's not the 'usual' washing of hands, counting of objects, that kind of thing.
I also agree with one of the comments above in that the term OCD does get bandied around willy nilly. We all have our own little 'things' that we do, checking the doors at night, making sure things are sat in a certain way... doesn't mean we all suffer with OCD.
True OCD is when something takes over, and stops you from leading a 'normal' life.

I feel sorry for the kids, and I think your friend does need to think about removing them (him) from the situation before it seriously starts to affect THEIR mental health and they end up resenting him... although it sounds as though that's already started.

For what it's worth, I don't think it's a mental health issue.

[MadMen]

But surely he can't be like this ALL the time, and with everyone, if he's a teacher?

[ummmm]

Writing down the cost of petrol and mileage = Penny pinching.

[VHG]

>>>But surely he can't be like this ALL the time, and with everyone, if he's a teacher?

I gather from feedback he is a very good teacher, though maybe he enjoys looking after young children as that gives him more "control".

[VHG]

>>>Writing down the cost of petrol and mileage = Penny pinching.

Yes he is rather "tight" with money.

It is a sort of famly joke that while takes his kids to outdoor places like castles etc he never takes them in the gift shop and lets them buy a pencil or ruler (and most kids love doing this).

He has also never bought them an ice cream while on holiday. NEVER.

He seems to almost take delight in the fact he has never done things like this.

[MadMen]

Lol Ummmm. That's exactly what I was thinking!

Yep. Definitely a control freak.

I would be very, *very* surprised if this has anything whatsoever to do with a mental health condition.

[ummmm]

I think most of us have traits that on the Autism spectrum.

My step dad was a control freak. He controlled our days from the minute we woke up to the minute we went to bed. He didn't have a condition, he just wasn't a very nice person. I left home at 13!

[MadMen]

He actually sounds really, really horrible.

Awkward, spiteful and... well... controlling.

[MadMen]

That's what this kid will do, given the first opportunity.

[ummmm]

Luckily I had somewhere to go. Many don't.

[VHG]

>>>I'm not so sure I'd agree that the writing of how many miles he's done is a form of OCD

To give you an idea of why it does border on OCD.

We went on holiday with him and the family a few years ago. He always gets up early and goes jogging.

One evening he wrote out a postcard for his parents and on it he said "went for a run this morning of 7 miles so have run 41 miles his week" (or words to that effect).

But the next morning he went for a run BEFORE he posted the postcard.

When he came back he crossed out the 7 and 41 on the postcard and changed them to an 8 and a 49. As if his parents actually care how far he has run. To me that is OCD.

btw The postcard was lying on the hall table waiting to be posted, before anyone accuses me of snooping !