News0 min ago
To be sure it's Irish
The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" Called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... Suggested Shaun.
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered. "Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle!"
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
"I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"
Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics. He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
"And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"
"Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.
Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
"Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
"Byjasis! It damned well better be!"
Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
"Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
"To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" Called Gallagher.
"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"
Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
"First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
"Pass", came the reply.
Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
"It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"
Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."
PADDY... "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."
"Three," ? ... Suggested Shaun.
Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
"Tis Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
The officer took the bottle and tried some. " Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered. "Lord bless me!" said Paddy, "another bloomin`miracle!"
On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
"What's it for?" asked Paddy.
"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
Answers
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Not always in jest Star. My Ma organised trips to Walsingham and Lourdes for the sick and elderly in her parish. The last one she did ended with one of the old ladies getting off the coach and being run over by a taxi. Everyone was in a panic and dialing 999. Not my mother. She knelt down, cradled the woman's head and said......Jesus Bridget, you always were the lucky one. Getting run over just after a priest's blessing in Lourdes......it's straight to heaven for you. True story.
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