It's The Way I Tell Em.

[Rondy]

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe £262,000, but I'm just not going pay them anymore.
___________

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
___________

Started my new job as an Amazon driver. First day, very first delivery, called at the house and a note on the door said "If not in, please hide in garage."

Well I was in there for 6 hours and they still hadn't found me!
___________

My daughter said, "I hope you're going to shave off that stupid moustache. It's embarrassing!"

I was stunned. It was the bravest thing I've ever heard anyone say to the wife!
___________

I bought a 'self-assembly' bird table last week.

I put it in the garden, but they haven't even opened the box yet.
___________

If a woman undresses in front of you, she's either interested in you or sees you as just a friend...

Or hasn't spotted you in the tree opposite!
___________

[maggiebee]

Thanks for the laugh Rondy