Why do people cheat? If you have, why did you?

[Jane_Doe]

I am curious as to why people cheat.. I have always had strong morals up until half way through last year and beleived in things including: treat people how you want to be treated, the truth always comes out, what goes around comes around and so on.. That was until one drunk night when after strongly convincing myself to stay away from this ''happily married'' man that cracked onto me i let my guard down to have the best time of my life! As much as i had regret the next day and felt kind of used it did not bother me.. As the chemistry and the memories im left with are well worth that one night of passion.. I did not expect to see him ever again but he did something to me no other has.. Could not get him off my mind and in the strange mind of mine i was just blown away.. That was until i bumped into him a few days later- he works nights and i never go to the city but somehow we cross paths and walk straight past eachother in the middle of the day. By this time ive turned the corner and basically ran a mile..its beginning to do my head in a whole lot more by this time! A week or so later im asked to go where he works.. As scared and nervous as i am i go.. Lone behold i see him and we have a really deep and meaningful conversation we then exchange numbers and 2 this day we still see eachother. I guess i wanted to give a run down of my situation for advice.. I have tried to walk away and i just cant. I also do not want to get involved in a relationship or break up his marriage. If this could last forever with no-one getting hurt i'd be all for it but nothing lasts forever and im scared im doing the unthinkable to his wife. Im stuck!! And my head is not in the right place. Like i said ive gone against everything i beleive im. Advice anyone..guess im asking why do happily married people stray away? And yes im in the wrong i know.. And yes i could ask him why but im just not confident enough to delve into that private part of his life yet.. Or im just scared of the answer.

[Sir Alec]

If he is so happily married, then why did he end up with you? One night stand or not, are you sure that you are the only 'other woman' he's slept with. It may be a regular thing with him.

[Jane_Doe]

I say ''happily married'' because that was the term he used.. I personally have never cheated.. Couldnt and wouldnt thats why i want some reasons as to why people do.. Guess some would say im cheating his wife. He says im the only one he has slept with and he could just be a great lier.. I do beleive hes not ''happily married'' or he wouldnt do it. Lack of communication is probably the main reason people do it..i dont know im just stuck trying to work him out without asking him.

[Sir Alec]

You are not cheating his wife, he is.

[Sir Alec]

Do you mind me asking how old you are and how old he is?

[Jane_Doe]

Dont know if my age comes up on here as im new to this but there is a gap of 15 years, he is older.

[Sir Alec]

Fifteen years is rather a lot. I really don't want to be the harbinger of doom, but are you sure he's not just looking for a younger version of his wife. Believe me, I've met a lot of men like that. It's called the Lolita complex. There was even a book written about it and psychiatrists have argued over it for decades. He's probably looking for a younger woman to recapture his youth.
Please try and find somebody nearer your own age. You will have a lot more in common.

[Jane_Doe]

Yeah that does make sense.. I see that completely. I know what the smart and right thing to do is.. I just need to make him see that this whole thing has potential to do alot of damage to people. In these situations someone always gets hurt and i dont think men or women understand that.. u dont know what you got until u lose it.. In this case being his family. Dont get me wrong i have strong feelings for him.. I just want whats best for him and me staying involved with him isnt one.. I wouldnt forgive myself if he lost everything. Thanks for your advice.. No-one close to me knows i needed other opinions

[Sir Alec]

As I said, I don't want to put a downer on your relationship, but the only losers in the end are going to be you and his wife. I think he needs a reality check. I hope he doesn't have any children, or has he lied about that too?

I don't want to be insulting, but from your posts, you sound rather young.

When I was 18 I had a relationship with a divorced 27 year old. I adored him then and still think about him even now. At the time, my parents didn't understand and 'got rid' of him for me. I never forgave them.
I'm just letting you know that I've been sort of, through it too and I know how you're feeling.

[Jane_Doe]

The thing is he hasnt lied to me.. Hes upfront about everything. Infact he tells me stuff he cant talk to anyone else about which makes me wonder about the relationship he has with his wife if he cant talk to her. He has kids and is a great family man from what i gather.. I have children also so we have that in common. Hes so sweet and caring and we both know what we're doing i just dont think he see's what he could be potentially putting his wife and kids through if it was to become public.. And the regret he'd have.. Maybe shes doing the same to him since they dont communicate.. I got no idea at all. This is all i think about hence why im going insane lol the ifs buts and whys. Btw im nearly 25

[cazzz1975]

as great a guy he may seem, he still has a devious/lying streak in him. maybe you will see more of that in time...

[pa___ul3]

I've been in the situation where I was the other man and she left her fella to get with me (although it may well have been on the cards anyway), needless to say I had a few trust issues which turned out to be at least partly justified.
If ever you were to get with him, you'd know he doesn't share your morals when it comes to cheating and would worry he'd do the same to you.
All this time you're hung up on him you may be missing your 'mr right' for want of a better term.
The lust is probably intensified by the fact you can't have him! You're all the same you lot, I tell ya!! ;)
So I'd say walk away with the smile on your face, accepting it for the great sex fling it was, before a lot of people get hurt.

[dave50]

The reason men cheat is the biological need to spread their seed as much as possible. The desire to experience sex with another woman, she doesnt have to be a beauty, just different. Also to be re-assured that women still find them sexually attractive. I suspect most men would not be able to resist the opportunity of another woman if they could guarantee nobody would find out, unless of course they were extremely happily married and devoted to their wife. I am not excusing it, just saying as I see it.

[woofgang]

You don't need to make him see amything you just need to walk away....noi excuses about where your head is or what he has said, end this now.

[starone]

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

[LewPaper]

Hiya Jane
As with all initial meetings you're seeing him at his best - how he wants you to see him. Is it real or just an act? What he's doing to his wife he could do to you.
I think you already know the answer, difficult though it may be.

[boxtops]

jane, you can never have him all to yourself, no holidays, you'll never have children with him and acknowledge them openly, you will always be his secret, his "bit on the side". If he can deceive his wife and children like this, he can do it to you. Secret stuff is exciting (I know, I've been there too), but there is no future in it, only heartache. He can't be happily married AND not communicate with his wife, it doesn't work like that.

Walk away - find a new life and a new man who doesn't have all these complications, just wants you for your self, and you alone. No good can come of this, only sorrow.

[Prudie]

How long have you been seeing him now? Please take the 'I can't talk to anyone else, my wife doesn't understand me, I don't sleep with my wife etc etc' lines with a massive pinch of salt - they're a classic in these situations.

[andy-hughes]

It is possible for individuals to compartmentalise their lives to such a degree that they can enjoy a happy settled family life, and an outside relationship, with neither impacting on the other.

It's possible - but so is a Lottery win - and the odds on this are worse!

What you have to factor in is that for this to work, you need two people who enter into the relationship on the basis that it will remain at this level of commitment from start to finish, never changing on either side.

And right away, you have problems, because human emotions are involved, and they shift and vary and twist and turn day to day, sometimes minute to minute.

If you can see him for sex - and that means meeting in a hotel room and leaving straight afterwards, no conversation at all, then that is the only way this can work.

If you are emotionally involved with this man - and you clearly are - then there is pain in it somewhere for innocent people, as well as yourself and the man involved.

Be realistic, be adult, you are reaching for something that is simply not there, and it is going to end with people getting hurt.

I utterly understand how the power of attraction can sweep you along, gainsaying everything you thought was the bedrock of your moral compass, but this cannot and will not last - we are simply not programmed that way. as Woody Allen said in 'Play It Again Sam' - "If I'd kept up the level of charm, I'd have had a heart attack!" Humourous, but true.

Some people refer to affairs as 'the best of both worlds' - but as you are finding out, it is often the worst of both worlds.

Give this man up before anyone else gets hurt, or you get hurt any more. This is not love, and the pain you feel will go in time, especially if you put your energies into finding a man who can love you properly, because he devotes his time and energy to you, and doesn't give you the bits left over when his family have had their (rightful) share.

You know this is the best thing, you just need the courage to finish it, and keep it finished.

Ring him today,

[Old_Geezer]

Are paragraphs going out of fashion?
Skimming the OP I'm surprised to see it is about having an affair rather than cheating at games ?
I guess because the opportunity is there, they only have one life with limited opportunities for various experiences, and it is exciting and dangerous. although the reasons may be varied depending on circumstances. Maybe the 'permanent' relationship has drifted to a natural end due to lack of maintenance?