What Are The Social Rules?

[Tarser]

I'm an 'older person' and struggle with the relatively new informality that seems to come so easy to most people. I go into a supermarket and the cashier says to me: "Hello. How are you? Doing anything special today?" Much better than putting my shopping through without looking at me and chewing gum...but it makes me feel uncomfortable as I'm being spoken to like I'm a friend and I might never have seen him/her before.

I'm a tutor and bill parents for my services. Almost all of them use my first name, even if I've never met them. I both like it and don't like it. Is this friendliness or is it telling me that I have low status? I don't know how to reply to their emails. If I call them Mr, Mrs, Miss etc., am I being stuffy and unfriendly or am I showing them respect? I want to show both but it's either / or. I may be very old fashioned but I don't want to say 'Hi John, thanks for your email...' it seems wrong to me. I'm not his mate!

I have known a hospital consultant for several years who is treating me for a physical problem. She calls me and emails me using my first name and signs off with her first name. She is really friendly and informal - which is so much better than the old days of stand-offish consultants who looked down upon their patients. I respect her status as a surgeon and always reply using her title and surname. It would seem really strange to do otherwise but I don't want her to think I'm really cold and business-like.

I find it quite offensive when someone rings me and uses my first name immediately, especially when they want to sell me something. Informality is being used here as a way of manipulating me...

So, all round confusion and conflict. The world has changed and nobody consulted me, so I'll have to ask those that adapted quickly to the new rules. Thank you.

[ethandron]

I very much go with the flow, always have. Call me by my Christian name or call me Mrs, doesn't affect the way I'm treated or the way I treat people.
I feel respect isn't a given, it has to be earned but it isn't disrespectful to be called by your Christian name or love, darling, lovely, whatever. I call one of my consultants by their Christian name, as he does me, the others are more formal. I couldn't care less as long as I'm getting the right treatment.

[anneasquith]

I think you should do/talk/,address others that makes you comfortable. You do sound like a gentleman mr. Tarsar. I blame the Americans. Have a nice day now :-)

[bednobs]

as for shop assistants, i am younger (presumaly) than you, but i HATE it when they ask me stuff other than "do you want any bags". I just smile and dont answer

[andres]

^^^^not even if you want one ?

[andres]

bednobs--- please ignore ^^^ I read your reply wrongly and was trying to be funny.Sorry

[maggiebee]

My grandaughter calls all her friends' mothers by their first names. Wouldn't have happened in my day - it would have always been Mrs ???. Not sure if I like it or not.

[andres]

There are a lot of children who call their parents by their Christian names. This started quite a long time ago.

[ethandron]

When my children were younger (30 odd years ago)and I helped in school, I always introduced myself, and was called, by my Christian name. I don't like formality but if that's what others like then I don't have a problem.
What's in a name after all??

[jambutty]

'I just smile and don't answer' How rude!

[jennyjoan]

////"do you want any bags"////

The above does bemuse me very much - why - my shopping bag is on the countertop waiting for me to put my items in.

[Tarser]

Andres, thanks for demonstrating another side to my general argument about informality/formality. I am baffled why it's so easy for people to be rude to strangers these days. Your comments are that I need to 'Lighten up' and 'you never know, you might begin to enjoy yourself' That's rude, patronising, flippant, disrespectful etc and you know nothing about me. It ends the discussion for me. I wouldn't say that to others and it's mysterious why it's so easy these days to be so rude. I actually have a great time and enjoy myself a lot in many ways, thanks. I was making an interesting point, so I thought, but it seems that you can't have a conversation without it getting personal and rude.

[andres]

Tarser. Had I known you would take offence so easily at what you say is a flippant, disrespectful ,rude remark I would have put the dictionary version ---'try to be a bit more cheerful'. As you say --I do not know anything about you (apart from a lengthy post ) And on the other hand you do not know anything about me . I have never been called rude in my entire life . I do apologise however for any offence taken although there was no malice intended. Just an off the cuff common phrase that is often used nowadays.

[dunnitall]

I am of the 'old school' no Christian names...mr mrs... Sir et al. However I feel more at home with medical staff calling me by Christian name because I had a tough time with them as a youngster. They were demeaning n hostile... I even hate them to this day.

I accept some but not others... Today..IMO it is all too casual ...we need respect it's Something we need to learn. Not difficult... Just respect eh?

[Jackdaw33]

Whilst every man I know has no objection to being addressed as Sir, many women object to the feminine counterpart, Madam. I use it all the time when encountering a stranger whose name I do not know. No-one so far has taken any offence.

[New Judge]

“People dress more informally, eat more casually and chat more readily. I think it’s great.”

Needless to say I think it’s dreadful.

Of course there are circumstances when informal dress is acceptable. But the problem is people don’t seem to differentiate when jeans and trainers are acceptable and when they are not. (All credit to the marketing people, nonetheless. A good ruse to get people to think that overalls and plimsolls are somehow fashionable). Casual eating seems to consist of stuffing something down your face from a cardboard or polystyrene box whilst either walking down the street or driving your car. As for people chatting more readily, I far prefer them to mind their own business and get on with their job. And it seems I’m not alone:

“…but everyone else is in jeans and T-shirts and trainers.”

[andy-hughes]

I am happy to be called Andy by anyone, and Mr Hughes by anyone who wishes to be formal.

I won't tolerate being called 'Hughes' by anyone under any circumstances, because it is disrespectful.

[Jackdaw33]

I have never owned a pair of jeans in my life. I was led to believe that they were for poor people who could not afford proper trousers. How times change.

[New Judge]

No they don't, jd.

I too have never owned a pair of jeans. I always considered them working clothes for those who spent their days scrambling about under cars or driving combine harvesters and suchlike. There's nothing wrong with that sort of work r the people who do it, But people wearing working clothes to go out for the evening seem somehow to have not made much of an effort.

[Jackdaw33]

You used to see signs outside establishments saying, 'No Jeans'. Those wearing them would be refused entry. Much like going for tea at the Ritz without a collar and tie.

[Mamyalynne]

I take each situation as it comes along and usually respond accordingly and have never been crass enough to judge people by the garb.

If I am treated politely and if the situations calls for it then treated professionally too - I am happy.