Am I Right To Be Annoyed And Upset...?

[Baby_Sham]

This has happened so many times now, and each time I have debating asking for opinions on here, but I am literally seething right now....!

My parents never ever EVER babysit my children. I hardly ever ask them, as I know what the outcome will be, but I have two other sisters with children and it doesn't seem to be a problem for them.
As I said, I hardly ever ask, but I asked a couple of months ago when I was absolutely desperate and they said "yes, no problem" (as always) and then called up on the morning they were supposed to have them and said they were "too tired" - again, as always.
I don't ask much of them, they've never helped me out when I needed them and I've always had to rely on friends or my husband.
I do quite a lot for them, things that may sound petty but still equate to me being the one they rely on when they need help with something. Some examples:
My Mum is a complete computer-phobe and recently wanted some stuff put onto Ebay. She phoned me up late at night and said she needed it doing "that night" and could I do it. I don't like to say no so was up until the early hours doing it for her.
Another time, just recently, she called me and said she needed some stuff printing "desperately". I said I was on my way out to an appointment (a really important appointment) but she said she needed it printing within the hour or she would lose out on something. She then just came round and I spent the next two hours sorting it out for her, and ended up missing my appointment - which she didn't seem to give two hoots about.
She has been moaning for the past few months that my Dad won't take her anywhere she needs to go (she doesn't drive) and she desperately needed to get some stuff for her holiday. I felt really bad for her so found a coach trip that went to the place she wanted to go, checked with her first and then booked two seats. I haven't got much money and said her "do you definitely want to go?" and she said "yes that would be really nice, thankyou", so I booked it. The day before we were due to go she sent me a text to say she couldn't come as she was having injections for her holiday and had forgotten about it. I said I wouldn't be able to get a refund, and would lose the money, but she just said "sorry, but I forgot". A few days later I couldn't get hold of her, so rang my Dad, and he said she "had gone shopping with my older sister"... to the place I'd booked the trip to! This may sound daft, but I was really upset.

I've had quite a lot going on recently and I just feel really alone.
Today is an important date for me, for whatever reason, and I have asked if they would be able to have my kids for a few hours tonight. My Mum has text to say she can't as she is really tired, behind on her holiday packing and has "been up all night being sick" - although my Dad seems to know nothing about this so I think it's just an excuse.
I was supposed to be doing a family bbq tomorrow but I've said to her I will postpone it until she comes back from holiday as if she's sick them that'll be the last thing she feels like. She's just text me to say "no, I'll be fine by tomorrow and I really need you to print out some tickets for me".

I've also just found out they are having my sisters FOUR kids during the half term for TWO weeks. I asked my Dad if he was mad (the kids are totally out of control) and he said "I couldn't say no, I felt sorry for her"..!!!

Is it just me, or would the majority of people feel pretty pissed off by this?

[Pooka1950]

I would be livid and rather hurt. Do they realise how you feel? Maybe you should sit down with them and quietly explain how their treatment of you makes you feel and see what they have to say for themselves.

[dollie65]

have you ever thought it could be that your kids play up too much and your parents cant handle them!

[sherrardk]

On the face of it, you would seem to justified in your feelings. If this were me, I would not ask them for anything (and then you can't be let down) but I also wouldn't do anything for them either.

[marval]

I would be very annoyed, I agree with pooka you need to sit them down and have your say. If they are not willing to help you, maybe it is time you are too busy to help them.

[emmie]

pretty fed up, why can't your siblings take them around the place, and if they need stuff done why don't the sisters help, why should it be just you.
I confess that i had a breakdown of sorts trying to help my mum, when others didn't help.

[Baby_Sham]

I'm glad it's not just me then. I'm torn between thinking I'm right to feel upset, and thinking I'm being selfish. I've made subtle hints, like saying it's easy for my sister as she doesn't have to pay for childcare every time she wants to do something, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.
A few weeks ago (the example I've given above) I had tickets to go to a concert. I'd been on about it ALL year and was really looking forward to it. I had arranged with them way before the date to babysit, and they were going to have my kids overnight. My Mum text me THAT AFTERNOON to say she had just finished work (two hours later than planned) and was "absolutely shattered" and wouldn't be able to have the kids. I said I would have to ask the kids old childminder if she would be able to have them, but it would cost me a fortune for the whole night, and she just said "sorry, I would if I could".
I ended up missing the concert, and losing my money, and was absolutely gutted.

[DJHawkes]

it's family, whatever the ups and downs. i can see both sides.

[emmie]

i wouldn't ask them to help, it will be difficult but this isn't right, you seem to be doing the work, and they are just messing you about. I couldn't handle that, either they want to help or they don't. Options are don't ask for anything, and try if going out someplace to book a baby minder, it might be costly, but why should you put your life on hold for the sake of thoughtless family.

[emmie]

if they constantly let you down, then that isn't helpful.

[Baby_Sham]

I have three sisters and they all live over an hour away. I live less than 5 minutes from them, so they often 'pop round' with stuff that "desperately" needs doing. They also know I won't say no.
With regards to my children, on the odd occasion they *have* had them, they always say they are as good as gold. My son is very quiet and will happily just sit there reading a book, and my daughter is quite happy to sit and watch a dvd. It's certainly not that they're a handful. They are very polite and very good when they're with them.
That's what hurts, the fact that they *are* so good, and I know they would enjoy it so much. My sister four children are the complete opposite. I have had them to stay with me on quite a few occasions and they are an absolute nightmare. My Dad even said he is "dreading" having them down because they honestly have no respect for anything and climb all over furniture and are always fighting, but he "couldn't say no".

[EcclesCake]

Of your siblings are you the one that has everything under control and are the 'coper'?

If so your parents might think that it is OK to let you down as you will have a back up strategy.

I'd stop relying on them and not take into account what they do for your siblings. Make alternative, professional and reliable arrangements.

[Baby_Sham]

It's all the more hurtful because she's going away on holiday with my eldest sister and her kids for THREE weeks on Tuesday, and my kids feel really left out that she'll be going away with their cousins and spending so much time with them. I have tried to explain, but kids don't see it like adults do, and just think they're being left out.

[albaqwerty]

I'm with Eccles.

I was going to say, stop asking them to do anything for you, no more 'can you baby-sit?' etc.
If mother needs something printed, then there are things like libraries which dad can drive her to.
Start withdrawing your availability and do NOT feel bad about it.
You, your husband and your children have a life to live and not at the beck and call of parents or siblings.

Rant over.

[DJHawkes]

so she's having one sisters 4 kids for 2 weeks and another sister is going on holiday with her for 3 weeks, sounds like your mum does her fair share to me, i'd not want to have my 3 grandchildren with me for 5 weeks over the summer, especially when i had time off work.

[albaqwerty]

BS, of course they feel left out, are yours younger than their their cousins?

Some grandparents don't 'do' youngsters terribly well but when kiddies get to a certain age, then the g/p's will take an interest. (Not fair I know)

[Sparkles62]

Baby_sham, I would be hurt and upset by all this, as you seem to be.
You really need to sit down and talk to your Mum and Dad, if you can't do that, or it doesn't resolve anything , then you need to stop being so available all the time for your Mum.
I don't mean cut her off completely, she is your Mum and you obviously love her, but don't be available all the time and learn to say no,
No sorry, I'm busy at the moment, but I can do it for you later in the week,
Perhaps you could do a babysitting swap with a friend,
Perhaps they would be more reliable.
They say ...you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
Good luck. X

[Baby_Sham]

Thanks for all the helpful advise. I feel really bad saying all of this, and could never say it to them, but I've just felt really down today and needed to vent my hurt, upset and frustration.
I have always been the one that the whole family relies on. I cook every Christmas dinner for the whole family, I cook every family birthday meal, I'm always the one who organises family events and puts my hand in my pocket, and I've had my sisters kids loads of times too. I even took three of them on holiday for a week so she could "get some time to herself". I would never want it, but I can't ever imagine anyone in my family saying they would help me out in this way.

I've tried to distance myself from them, but because they live so close it's really difficult. I know when they want something though as they will start phoning me more often.

Like I said, I'm supposed to be putting on a family bbq tomorrow but I just feel like I can't be bothered with it all. It sounds like they only want to come so I can do all my Mums holiday printing anyway!

[Baby_Sham]

She's going on holiday with my oldest sister, her husband and their two kids on Tuesday, for three weeks. It's not your typical 'holiday' and has been arranged for quite some time. My sisters husband and his family will be having the kids, whilst my Mum and my older sister go off trekking.
My Dad is having my other sisters four kids for a week whilst my Mum is away, and my Mum is then having them for the second week when she comes back. They have both openly moaned at me about this, as it's meant they've had to book extra holiday time at work, and will not get paid for it.
Do you not think it's a bit unfair that they will put themselves out like this for my sisters, but can't even manage a single night for me???

[albaqwerty]

right, for a start, take the fuse out of the plug of your printer, It's broken, take the cartridges out too, it's run out of ink.
Download a whacky screensaver for your monitor, (can't remember the one off hand, but it alleges seta, search for extra terrestrial life so you can't interrupt it as you're doing stuff for NASA.