Helpful advice please....

[andizuki1982]

Hi, I really need some advice from ABers who have been in this situation. It`s a bit complicated, but I`ll have a go.

I work closely with this girl at work who is 29 (I am 23) and for the first time in my life I feel I have met my perfect match. We get on extremely well but she has said from the start that she could never go out with a toyboy as they are generally immature. We have shared lots of personal info about each other and feel there is a definate spark. Now, she has told me she really likes the look of this other guy at work who is 22 and would go with him like a shot but knows that all he wants is a quick fling and then move on. She says that I am the only person in the whole building she can trust and talk to and personality wise I am perfect but can`t go out with me because of the age gap! She has also hinted that personality is the most important thing in a relationship.

What I want to know is surely if she can consider the "other guy" she could consider me. She has already told me that she would die if she asked him out because she is so shy when asking anybody, which is making me think that she is too shy to ask me.

Is she trying to make me jealous to test my reaction? Does she see me as a "little brother"? Is she angling for me to ask her?

How would be the best way to discover her true feelings without spoiling a friendship and jeopardising our working relationship? What would be the best thing to say?

Sorry if I have gone on, but I have never encountered this extreme feeling before where I miss her when she is not about. Any help would be greatly appreciated, Thankyou

(It is a rarity for me to be this open)

[Cheekystar]

Why not talk hyperthetically, say well say I asked you out.. what would you say?

Good luck but tread carefully

[len_1]

It sounds to me that she's a "friend". Once she's a friend you have no chance! sorry. Its hard to say when i'm just reading text.

Personally i think you should just ask her out. If she says no have yourself prepared for it and act like it is no big deal. Have a topic ready to move onto so it is quickly forgottern you asked her. This should avoid the short silence straight after which, if you have, will make it awkward forever more!

Again, that is just personal advice from someone who can't really see the situation properly.

[andizuki1982]

Cheekystar I had the same kind of approach lined up, but again scared of the answer. It`s probably the best way forward. Thanks.

And len_1 Sadly, I have been told that as well. Once she`s a friend, thats it, but I don`t want to believe it. Although I would rather her as a friend than not at all

[dancealot13]

Hi Andizuki- This is a tough one because she could very well be testing you, yet she's got a weird way of doing it. But if she was interested I really don't think she would have mentioned the age difference. That's a big one for most women. The way you described the situation, it sounds like she just wants to be friends. I could be wrong though. Although she's giving obvious signes, and I think most men don't know how to read them. Plus dating at work can turn into a disaster.

Good luck!

[dancealot13]

I would be careful asking her out. Just take things slow, and play it cool. If she's already said all that to you thenwhy would you ask her out ya know? If she wants to go out with you, you'll know it. Play it cool and let things happen naturally.

[mollymandy]

slow down .. romeo ... ask her out for a casual date , dont get too heavy play it cool ... if she really really likes you she will make the first move ... play hard to get .... ask her to go shopping with you ... or to help you decorate ... get to know her better ...

Have a laugh ... good luck

[zara 4]

If she thinks toyboys are immature but she likes this 22 year old,i think it sounds as though its a bit of a game,perhaps she is testing you,perhaps she does want a reaction out of you,i reckon you should ask her out,if she turns you down then you will know but why go on to you about this other guy are you sure its not to get a reaction?Hope she likes bikes eh?

[dancealot13]

I totally missed the age of the other guy! OK maybe she is playing with you.

But, I still think you should be cool because cool is SEXY. Suave is sexy. Play a little hard to get.

[andizuki1982]

Thanks for all the advice so far! I would be the worlds greatest genius if I could work women out!! Very good advice dancealot. See is a very ordinary girl, who has been hurt in the past and doesn`t want to be hurt again, it`s trying to build confidence again.

Thanks mollymandy and zara4. She doesn`t really like bikes but does like the slightly wild and adventurous side to me. On a bike it is my own free space and I like to de-stress. If she or anyone else is on the back of me I am actually very sensible. I`m just young I guess!

[len_1]

I disagree with dancesalot. Women are different to blokes... you asking her out and her saying "no" won't affect your relationship as long as you don't let it get awkward. Hence why i say be prepared to carry on as if nothing has happened.

But the longer you leave it before you take action the further into the "friendzone" you'll go!

[len_1]

I agree the hard to get thing though...

Something that is easy to have is less appealing then something you can't!

[GraceAnais]

i've had a couple of male friends in my life that i have been really close to; but that's all it has ever been. i have one friend in particular (an old flatmate) who i know has been 'sweet' on me for years. he is the nicest guy, goodlooking, intelligent, funny and i've had better times with him than i've had with some of my exs but (oh yes there's always a but) i just could never go out with him. when i'm with a guy i like all i can think about is wanting to kiss them and i've never had that feelng with this guy.

once after too many drinks he put his hand on my leg in a suggestive manner and i brushed it away - we both knew what that meant without any words being said. it was a bit weird between us after for a little while but because he could blame it on drink and because there were no actual words said i think we managed to stay friends.

maybe make a subtle gesture such as this and see how she reacts...if yo've had a few drinks u can always blame it on that too (not that i'm advising blaming your actiosn on drink)

unfortunately a friend is often just a friend and for women we can often be really close to a man that we would never see as anything else. the other problem is women are awful flirts - i flirt with men i don't fancy all the time - that's just women. read the subtle signals like body language

my mother always use to say 'watch what they do; ot what they say'