When is an ex not really an ex?

[Bruizedapple]

My boyf and I broke up in November (kinda my call, although it was one of those lets call it a day conversations). He moved to Manchester, but a lot of his stuff is still at mine. I made moves to get back together in Dec time but he's having none of it. Instead we speak every day, on phone, text and emails, see each other quite regularly and are attending some long standing engagements together.

Neither of us want to know what the other is doing and live in this weird paranoid world of 'if he doesn't text is he on a date' thing. And its all a bit bizarre. He has said Im definitely not the one but it would be too much of a wrench not to see me as Im his best friend (although a bit more). We're not sleeping together and neither of us is seeing someone else. Has anyone been in this situtation? was it/can it be resolved?

[TillyNilly]

Hi Bruizedapple....I think this situation works until either of you finds someone else....Apart from the obvious hurt / jealousy from you both once you find out , I also think the new partner will be or could be a bit miffed with your 'friendship' ...
And until this does happen you will continue to be very much wrapped up in each other..as no one is moving on...
Personally I found it unfair on a new relationship to continue with an ex's friendship...the 'intimacy' you have shared has a huge impact on a new relationship.
What doe anyone else think???

[ChuffingHell]

I would agree whole heartedly with Tilly. Theres never a circumstance where a new partner is happy with someone exes being in their lives.

If you tried to get back together in December, would I be correct in assuming you're still interested and if he said "lets give it a go again" tomorrow, you'd be up for that? If so, given that he has said you're not the one, I think you're only going to end up getting hurt if you stay in such close proximity. Particuarly, as Tilly said, if he finds a new partner.

Even if you're no longer interested, I also think that staying in touch with him has perhaps stopped you moving on properly.

It's unfortunate but I think sometimes when you've had a sexual relationship with someone, there's no way you can be friends. And sometimes it's so sad because you got on so well (I had exactly this problem with an ex who I became very close to emotionally) but I had to put it behind me. I still think about him occasionally (although I don't see him so that helps) but I had to move forward.

[Bruizedapple]

Yeah, Im still interested and yes if he said right come on then, I'd be there like a shot.

I know seeing him and being in touch so much is making it difficult to move on, but actually having him around is great. Bit of a double edged sword though cos I also turn into this weird needy creature who is very unappealling!!

I think this is more of a rant than a question now really, sorry if it breaks the rules. It is good to get some other perspectives on this situation

C

[TillyNilly]

Bruizedapple...You obviously don't like this 'weird needy creature' that you become around him..and that can't feel good or be good for your ego...Maybe you need to be gentle with yourself and try to get a life apart and separate from your ex slowly and gradually...theres no rush and maybe time will help.
Hi Chuffing...What do you think?

[laurence2]

He says, your definitely not the one

you say, you would have him back like a shot.


2 + 2 = 4. The answer to this is simple, read above mentioned again, this time more slowly and digest, sorry for being sarcastic, but move on with your life, offer his stuff back to him or bin it, he might of left the stuff their as a hold on you ie your have him back like a shot, but you really do need to move on

[Bruizedapple]

Yeah, I know you guys are right, and thank you for your time and input.

Guess the next stage is to get my arse in gear!

Thanks for being so honest Laurence, I don't think you were being sarcastic :)

[ChuffingHell]

Maybe you need to look at exactly what you are getting from this friendship at the moment and identify why is having him around great? And then take steps to find the support and friendship you feel you get from him, from other people.

I agree with theslowly slowly catchy monkey aproach to a degree Tilly, but I'm not sure if in practice it's that easy. But thats just my opinion - i think I'm more of a cold turkey fan in life in general!!

Of course if having him around is great because you're in love with him then that will take time to move on from. saidas you say, getting your arse into gear is probably the right thing to do.

Much easier said than done though - I think a lot of people have been through it but do manage to come out of the other side, so good luck hun!

[Reverandfunk]

Move on, Ive tried all that being mates with ex's and it doesn't work as one of you will have made the decision to end things hence the one who didn't will always think there is a chance while contact is there. Functions, texts, phone calls, it's not healthy. I know it will be hard but move on otherwise your life will be on hold for someone who doesn't want you.