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Can you be in love after one kiss?
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I liked this man for quite a while (we are both married by the way) but didn't really know he felt the same way. Then at a party 6 months ago we kissed secretly, and I mean really kissed, like I've never been kissed before.
Nothing else has happened since between us, although, god, I really would like it to. He's the husband of my friend and the Dad of my kids' friends. He's a really good friend and he listens to me about things like my husband never has. He is sexy, has a great smile and intelligent and we did exchange lots of texts for a while. But it all seems to have stopped suddenly. It's upset me but I know I must get on with my own life.
The thing is since the kiss, I cannot stop thinking about him and I think I am in love with him.
Nothing else has happened since between us, although, god, I really would like it to. He's the husband of my friend and the Dad of my kids' friends. He's a really good friend and he listens to me about things like my husband never has. He is sexy, has a great smile and intelligent and we did exchange lots of texts for a while. But it all seems to have stopped suddenly. It's upset me but I know I must get on with my own life.
The thing is since the kiss, I cannot stop thinking about him and I think I am in love with him.
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He couldn't avoid me this morning. We were in company though. Had a chat about inane things. He's very busy, I think that's all it is. He's not been deliberately ignoring me, just got a lot on his mind. He wouldn't look me in the eye though!
I came home and for once I felt calm and haven't got upset.
Maybe I just want to make sure I still have his friendship; I think I will be happy to just have that. That and a distant happy memory of something wonderful.
Thanks to all for their generally good advice.
I came home and for once I felt calm and haven't got upset.
Maybe I just want to make sure I still have his friendship; I think I will be happy to just have that. That and a distant happy memory of something wonderful.
Thanks to all for their generally good advice.
Not being friends was the worst part for me when I was in a similar situation long ago. The woman was my best freind's wife. Both our partners knew what went down between us.
We both made a big effort to keep our marriages on track and for a while managed to convince ourselves that we didn't even really like each other much. But it was just a very effective facade we put up for our own sanity. We could only keep it up while we had virtually nothing to do with each other.
Deep down we admired the sense of humanity in each other and were still powerfully attracted. We became friends again at our peril because we valued each other's respect so enormously. This actually worked for a while.
It was a few years later when both our relationships were going through a rocky patch that it all surfaced again. My partner dumped me. I remember being distressed that the frienship could become complicated again. And it did.
Her husband liked his mates at the pub and didn't care much for communication with her. He would often come home the next day. She found it increasingly difficult to trust him especially after he abused her for ringing the pub to see if he was still there rather than in a car crash on our remote rural roads.
My partner made a habit of getting angry rather than communicating and it would take days to work through small disagreements. She also had an unfortunate proclivity to telling me to get out when we disagreed.
Communication and commitment is central to the whole idea of a relationship for both me and my friend. And we were not getting it in our marriages. Yet we could sit for hours in stimulating conversation with each other. This highlighted the absence of communication we had with our partners.
We both made a big effort to keep our marriages on track and for a while managed to convince ourselves that we didn't even really like each other much. But it was just a very effective facade we put up for our own sanity. We could only keep it up while we had virtually nothing to do with each other.
Deep down we admired the sense of humanity in each other and were still powerfully attracted. We became friends again at our peril because we valued each other's respect so enormously. This actually worked for a while.
It was a few years later when both our relationships were going through a rocky patch that it all surfaced again. My partner dumped me. I remember being distressed that the frienship could become complicated again. And it did.
Her husband liked his mates at the pub and didn't care much for communication with her. He would often come home the next day. She found it increasingly difficult to trust him especially after he abused her for ringing the pub to see if he was still there rather than in a car crash on our remote rural roads.
My partner made a habit of getting angry rather than communicating and it would take days to work through small disagreements. She also had an unfortunate proclivity to telling me to get out when we disagreed.
Communication and commitment is central to the whole idea of a relationship for both me and my friend. And we were not getting it in our marriages. Yet we could sit for hours in stimulating conversation with each other. This highlighted the absence of communication we had with our partners.
contd
When things erupted the communication was so important and it showed us at our best. The better we dealth with it the more respect and admiration grew. It was a powerful distraction that grew every time our marriages failed to provide the connection we craved.
Eventually we found that potential was next to impossible to ignore and neither of us were really able to settle in our marriages. We realised that none of us would ever have peace if we didn't find out what it would like together. After six years of turmoil we jumped.
We have been together 20 years now and while it has not all been a fairytale (none ever are) we still love each other and cherish the communication we have between us.
I guess what I am saying is that you my not have put all this behind you. In my experience it will be very very difficult to be friends. Your description of the kiss makes me think that you have a very deep attraction.
He wouldn't look you in the eye today because he knows how dangerous it would be. We used to see each other across the room and even from this distance eye contact was earth shattering.
Perhaps you both have much better marriages than me and my beloved had. Better focus really strongly on that because I expect you will again be distracted if you ever find yourself less than satisfied with your husband.
When things erupted the communication was so important and it showed us at our best. The better we dealth with it the more respect and admiration grew. It was a powerful distraction that grew every time our marriages failed to provide the connection we craved.
Eventually we found that potential was next to impossible to ignore and neither of us were really able to settle in our marriages. We realised that none of us would ever have peace if we didn't find out what it would like together. After six years of turmoil we jumped.
We have been together 20 years now and while it has not all been a fairytale (none ever are) we still love each other and cherish the communication we have between us.
I guess what I am saying is that you my not have put all this behind you. In my experience it will be very very difficult to be friends. Your description of the kiss makes me think that you have a very deep attraction.
He wouldn't look you in the eye today because he knows how dangerous it would be. We used to see each other across the room and even from this distance eye contact was earth shattering.
Perhaps you both have much better marriages than me and my beloved had. Better focus really strongly on that because I expect you will again be distracted if you ever find yourself less than satisfied with your husband.
Dear beso
What you say is potentially true - if we ever found ourselves alone again, I've no idea where this would take us or what would happen between us. But it is rare that I am alone with him entirely and where possible I have got to try and avoid this situation happening.
I am really going to try to work at my marriage, although I am still attracted to my friend, which is something I really cannot help being. I had a good chat with his wife yesterday while our children were at a club and I realise that I value her friendship above all very highly. I get on really well with her - how could I ever think to ruin her and her family's life let alone my own?
I really have appreciated your advice and thank you so much for telling me about your life - it seems to reflect mine at this early stage so closely - you are really good at communication and your partner is very lucky to have you.
I have been with my husband nearly 20 years - I think things can get a bit stale can't they and when someone else shows you a little bit of interest, your head gets turned.
Like one of the other posters said, I have got to find again what first attracted me to my husband and work at that.
I cannot avoid my friend, and I don't want to, but we have to find a way around the attraction.
What you say is potentially true - if we ever found ourselves alone again, I've no idea where this would take us or what would happen between us. But it is rare that I am alone with him entirely and where possible I have got to try and avoid this situation happening.
I am really going to try to work at my marriage, although I am still attracted to my friend, which is something I really cannot help being. I had a good chat with his wife yesterday while our children were at a club and I realise that I value her friendship above all very highly. I get on really well with her - how could I ever think to ruin her and her family's life let alone my own?
I really have appreciated your advice and thank you so much for telling me about your life - it seems to reflect mine at this early stage so closely - you are really good at communication and your partner is very lucky to have you.
I have been with my husband nearly 20 years - I think things can get a bit stale can't they and when someone else shows you a little bit of interest, your head gets turned.
Like one of the other posters said, I have got to find again what first attracted me to my husband and work at that.
I cannot avoid my friend, and I don't want to, but we have to find a way around the attraction.
-- answer removed --
Rosie - just to add to what I said before. I think what you need to do is have a good look at what you have now and how you would feel without it!
Personally when I look at my hubby, I see a man who is my best friend and lover, but also he is someone who gets on my nerves and someone who I can dislike sometimes! This is normal!
My idea for you is to go and rout through old photos of a time you were happy with him and reminisce about who those people were! You are the same person; just life has gotten in the way a bit!
I know how it feels to have a light bulb ping in your head and realise 'God I love my husband'.... and it was a moment of clarity that happened for no reason one day!
I think I forgot how much I did love him!
Keep fighting for the couple who got together one day and fell in love!
Personally when I look at my hubby, I see a man who is my best friend and lover, but also he is someone who gets on my nerves and someone who I can dislike sometimes! This is normal!
My idea for you is to go and rout through old photos of a time you were happy with him and reminisce about who those people were! You are the same person; just life has gotten in the way a bit!
I know how it feels to have a light bulb ping in your head and realise 'God I love my husband'.... and it was a moment of clarity that happened for no reason one day!
I think I forgot how much I did love him!
Keep fighting for the couple who got together one day and fell in love!
Thanks Andrea
I've already done that - been through the wedding album, played songs that we both love etc. I have a lot of time on my hands to do things like that - perhaps that's the trouble - I am lonely.
I do love him, don't get me wrong, but when someone has changed so much, emotionally and physically, over the amount of time we have been together, you just stop thinking about them in certain ways like you used to do.
I really don't find him physically attractive anymore, he isn't repulsive by any means, but he has changed a lot. Like I've already said, it's hard to communicate with him. He works too hard and long hours. We have two wonderful kids together but he hardly sees them or interacts with them anymore.
But, there is more to life than appearances, I know, and I am going to try to work at it.
All throughout these postings, I never ever said I would ever leave him anyway for my friend. I just needed some sort of advice with dealing with my friend, but as it's turned out I needed advice really about dealing with my husband! We just have to find some sort of magic again together.
My husband and I can't afford to go away, but I think that's what we need, a little break away just us two together. Most of all, he is still my best friend.
I've already done that - been through the wedding album, played songs that we both love etc. I have a lot of time on my hands to do things like that - perhaps that's the trouble - I am lonely.
I do love him, don't get me wrong, but when someone has changed so much, emotionally and physically, over the amount of time we have been together, you just stop thinking about them in certain ways like you used to do.
I really don't find him physically attractive anymore, he isn't repulsive by any means, but he has changed a lot. Like I've already said, it's hard to communicate with him. He works too hard and long hours. We have two wonderful kids together but he hardly sees them or interacts with them anymore.
But, there is more to life than appearances, I know, and I am going to try to work at it.
All throughout these postings, I never ever said I would ever leave him anyway for my friend. I just needed some sort of advice with dealing with my friend, but as it's turned out I needed advice really about dealing with my husband! We just have to find some sort of magic again together.
My husband and I can't afford to go away, but I think that's what we need, a little break away just us two together. Most of all, he is still my best friend.
Rosiesunligh:
I think you are going to do fine. I was only 21 years old, only a short time into my very first relationship without much of an idea why I was there and incredibly naive.
There is a world of difference between that and your nearly two decades in a relationship. You seem to have a good grip of the dynamics and more importantly what you want. That is where I went so wrong.
It is a wake up call and you are responding sensibly. But isn't it nice to know you are are still attractive to a man you admire. Hope your husband appreciates what a true gem he has.
I think you are going to do fine. I was only 21 years old, only a short time into my very first relationship without much of an idea why I was there and incredibly naive.
There is a world of difference between that and your nearly two decades in a relationship. You seem to have a good grip of the dynamics and more importantly what you want. That is where I went so wrong.
It is a wake up call and you are responding sensibly. But isn't it nice to know you are are still attractive to a man you admire. Hope your husband appreciates what a true gem he has.
It is so sad when someone takes their partner for granted. Not a bad person but just too busy getting on with life to remember what it means to be alive. Unfortunately it happens a lot. Other readers should take notice of how easily this can happen even among the best intentioned partners.
However even with all the best intentions it is hard for one partner to perk up a relationship on their own especially with a man you no longer find physically attractive, hard to communicate and doesn't have time for family.
But you have identified the problems that need to be addressed. You also know he is your best friend so there is clearly a lot of trust in the relationship. This is a resource you can work with.
I wonder if you can afford NOT to go away. But how do you get him to realise the importance without introducing the experience that triggered your concern?
However even with all the best intentions it is hard for one partner to perk up a relationship on their own especially with a man you no longer find physically attractive, hard to communicate and doesn't have time for family.
But you have identified the problems that need to be addressed. You also know he is your best friend so there is clearly a lot of trust in the relationship. This is a resource you can work with.
I wonder if you can afford NOT to go away. But how do you get him to realise the importance without introducing the experience that triggered your concern?
Thanks beso
My husband isn't stupid though - he has said before things about my friend : "you be careful near that man, I've seen the way he looks at you", which I've laughed off. I think the kids have noticed too and made jokes about it. If only they knew!
I've done well to keep this secret i think. Keeping my emotions to myself in the day.
I can't run the risk with his past delicate emotional state to tell my husband what happened between me and my friend - besides they are friends too - we all go out together every so often.
Life is so hard to work through isn't it and you sometimes can't avoid the outside influences.
We do need to go away together but it's a bit impossible at the moment for all sorts of reasons not just the money.
I'll work at it - it's got to be worth it in the long run - I hope.
My husband isn't stupid though - he has said before things about my friend : "you be careful near that man, I've seen the way he looks at you", which I've laughed off. I think the kids have noticed too and made jokes about it. If only they knew!
I've done well to keep this secret i think. Keeping my emotions to myself in the day.
I can't run the risk with his past delicate emotional state to tell my husband what happened between me and my friend - besides they are friends too - we all go out together every so often.
Life is so hard to work through isn't it and you sometimes can't avoid the outside influences.
We do need to go away together but it's a bit impossible at the moment for all sorts of reasons not just the money.
I'll work at it - it's got to be worth it in the long run - I hope.
Unfortunately this solution won't work for you but I thought you might find the perspective interesting.
I revealed my fantasies to my wife after having a very lucid dream of having "slept" with the other woman. Honesty seemed the best course so I told her how ashamed I was and how I desperately needed her help. I also explained I had been struggling against the thoughts which I had already connected to the low points of rifts forming in our relationship.
However I had the fortunate position of having done nothing unfaithful, not even mentioning my affections to the other woman who had moved interstate. It was actually as she was preparing to leave that I began to realise how much I valued her friendship. Only later when my own relationship ran into trouble did I begin to think of it as more.
In your case the whole situation is too fresh, you are too enamoured by an all too accessible alternative, your relationship problems are different and you don't have a strong suit in communication with your husband.
My case was further mitigated by my wife's admission of her own indescression a couple of years earlier. It became evident that this particular event had underpinned the problems in our relationship. She had become paranoid that I was at least as capable of being unfaithful as her and it had destroyed both the trust and her self esteem. This is why I said about how it affects your relationships in ways you won't even realise.
It saved our relationship by refocussing us on what really mattered. It also nearly destroyed us but only because absolutely everything was not put on the table straight after the original revalation.
We had to build a new relationship. To be honest, for a long time I resented loosing the old innocence and only when I stopped trying to reconstruct the rubble did we eventually get back on track.
I revealed my fantasies to my wife after having a very lucid dream of having "slept" with the other woman. Honesty seemed the best course so I told her how ashamed I was and how I desperately needed her help. I also explained I had been struggling against the thoughts which I had already connected to the low points of rifts forming in our relationship.
However I had the fortunate position of having done nothing unfaithful, not even mentioning my affections to the other woman who had moved interstate. It was actually as she was preparing to leave that I began to realise how much I valued her friendship. Only later when my own relationship ran into trouble did I begin to think of it as more.
In your case the whole situation is too fresh, you are too enamoured by an all too accessible alternative, your relationship problems are different and you don't have a strong suit in communication with your husband.
My case was further mitigated by my wife's admission of her own indescression a couple of years earlier. It became evident that this particular event had underpinned the problems in our relationship. She had become paranoid that I was at least as capable of being unfaithful as her and it had destroyed both the trust and her self esteem. This is why I said about how it affects your relationships in ways you won't even realise.
It saved our relationship by refocussing us on what really mattered. It also nearly destroyed us but only because absolutely everything was not put on the table straight after the original revalation.
We had to build a new relationship. To be honest, for a long time I resented loosing the old innocence and only when I stopped trying to reconstruct the rubble did we eventually get back on track.
Rosie
I would say (from bitter experience) leave this be. You are bored, he flattered you with a kiss.
My ex husband went off with one of my best friends 8 years ago. My children were 8 and 10 (now 16 & 18). My 18 year old thinks he is scum and hasnt spoken to him for 3 years and the younger one has no respect for him and hates his wife.
They destroyed my life and my kids as well as other people at the time and it was a nightmare.
Are they happy now? I doubt it - he has turned into a complete idiot.
Dont sh!t on your doorstep just cos you enjoyed a snog - grow up, look at your responsibilities and get busy. Bored and lonely - do something about it now!
I would say (from bitter experience) leave this be. You are bored, he flattered you with a kiss.
My ex husband went off with one of my best friends 8 years ago. My children were 8 and 10 (now 16 & 18). My 18 year old thinks he is scum and hasnt spoken to him for 3 years and the younger one has no respect for him and hates his wife.
They destroyed my life and my kids as well as other people at the time and it was a nightmare.
Are they happy now? I doubt it - he has turned into a complete idiot.
Dont sh!t on your doorstep just cos you enjoyed a snog - grow up, look at your responsibilities and get busy. Bored and lonely - do something about it now!
Rosie:
Your last post was powerful Deja vu.
An absolutely pivotal aspect that ignited my fantasy in the first place was my wife telling me that if I wanted to run off with the other woman I should because she would not stand in my way. I had never considered the prospect even in passing prior to this.
Could your husband be going through the same kind of guilt induced trust issues? In twenty years together there would be very few who hadn't strayed at least in thought. That is all my indescression was and it devestated me.
Your last post was powerful Deja vu.
An absolutely pivotal aspect that ignited my fantasy in the first place was my wife telling me that if I wanted to run off with the other woman I should because she would not stand in my way. I had never considered the prospect even in passing prior to this.
Could your husband be going through the same kind of guilt induced trust issues? In twenty years together there would be very few who hadn't strayed at least in thought. That is all my indescression was and it devestated me.
I wouldn't say I'm bored - I live a very full life, job, volunteering, two kids - I am lonely though for some affection -that's one of the reasons why the kiss probably happened.
I have worked through this problem with some very kind and understanding people on this site and I am very grateful to them. All I needed was advice to help deal with a lovely friend and our small misdemeanor.
As i have said, I would never contemplate an affair ever and I just need to try to work through some problems with my husband which have been highlighted on this posting already.
I have worked through this problem with some very kind and understanding people on this site and I am very grateful to them. All I needed was advice to help deal with a lovely friend and our small misdemeanor.
As i have said, I would never contemplate an affair ever and I just need to try to work through some problems with my husband which have been highlighted on this posting already.
