what am i doing with him?

[sunnydaze8]

why am i still with someone who has cheated on me three times with the same woman on and off for the last ten years then does exactly the same again with an office junior? he loses his job because of it, we get married after it and im going through even worse emotions now and almost on the edge,he is a reminder after all. we had counselling to find out why he did it the first time, not many answers there and also because i couldnt forget what he had done. he was told that it was like being an alcoholic, keeping the brown bag on the bottle of booze and resisting temptation. after all i was trying to forget, im totally in shock how he could do exactly the same again after everything ive been through. we got married to move on, then he lost his job because of what he did. i sob every day looking at where we have ended up and really am questioning myself, wondering what kind of person i am to allow this to happen to me and im still around.. i must be weak, a coward, but then again could it be the opposite, strong to have tolerated so much but still mistrusting him. he says it can work but i think about it every day and see it partly that if he sees me moving on then he will think that ive forgiven him, accepted what he did so then he may do it again. its a long horrific story. photos showing them holding hands which i cant get out of my head. maybe hes making the most of it, god knows. i dont want to get a job as hes put me in this mess so i think he can get me out of it. i need to get out the house but the area we moved to is so depressing to even stroll round and i dont have a car. doc says im stressed and depressed but ive had enough of counselling and anti depressants just mask the problem, i took them years ago. im taking sleeping tablets that i cant get off at the moment. i wake up in the early hours and start crying. what is to become of us.

[sanndwich]

-you change the world one step at a time!

[boxtops]

Sunny, you say about not wanting to keep covering up how you are feeling, so you stay inside, so you can keep your feeling bad to yourself. Please please try to think again. Getting out - even though you say it's not in a nice area - will get you seeing people, not just sitting at home where it all keeps going round in circles. What you need to come to realise - and I do speak from some past experience - is that most of us put on a face quite a lot of the time, it's not all plain sailing for loads of people, we all have things we want or need to keep private about or which are distressing us, or money or relationship problems, but lots of people are putting on brave fronts because we just have to get on with stuff. It took me quite a long time to realise that (and my circumstances were nothing like yours), I thought everyone else was fine and it was just me - but it isn't. You've said you don't want a job because he got you into this mess so he can sort it, but you know inside that he won't. Even if you are going to stay with him, please think of the good things about yourself and find even a little bit of self-respect you can build on - if he can see that you have a bit of a life outside (which you would get with work) it will do you both good. It sounds like you are answering your own questions but it's very hard to raise yourself out of the sense of despair, you need to find a foothold you can hold on to and make a start to begin to believe in yourself again. I wish you well - be brave.

[S_C]

i have sat here a read all that has been suggested and your comments.
I have to admit i agree with the general thinking here.

I would hazard a guess as to why you are stil with this man , You still love him and have a vain hope he will change and suddenly become loyal and with that step up to the mark.
Sadly though your reasoning is flaud and you know this , thats why you are so upset and confused as to why.
This man will never change he is selfish and has a wondering eye " like a child in a sweet shop - wanting to try everything ". This i sadly expect to never change as he obviously does not respect or love you enough to make the effort to stop.

With all this in mind i expect if you stay with this man he will simply drag you down lower and lower , and in years to come you will once again ask why you put up with this.
The answer is simple , because you love him and sadly hope he will change. This will NOT happen.

I would advise getting rid of this man and living a life for yourself .
The way i see it, its either that or carryon on this sad roundabout of a life you are stuck on now !.

[brenda]

you are having a really bad time at the moment ,and I am very sorry to read your sad post.However only you can get yourself out of this position .
Do you have anyone with whom you can talk? A friend, sibling, relative,parents?
Is there anyone with whom you could stay for a while?Sometimes a bit of space may help.
How do you personally manage financially ? Do you have access to some money of your own?
Have you both considered getting guidance for your marriage from Relate?
Ihave posed these questions for you, so that they may provide a way for you to think in a slightly more positive way about the set up you are in.Part 2 ------

[karenmac60]

Look, he doesn't respect you and you don't trust him, and you are never going to get past this because you don't want him to think you've forgiven him. So you keep going over and over it in your mind, making yourself more and more miserable. You have two choices here. You either leave him and put all this behind you, take some time to be alone and get over what has happened and move on with your life. Or you make a decision to forgive him - with a warning to him that things have to change, he has to start respecting you and he has to remain faithful to you from now on, no secrets and no more chances. I know you don't want to forgive him, but as long as you keep drawing this out you are punishing yourself as much as you are him. You cannot possibly get over it if you keep reminding yourself. It has to be one or the other - for your own sanity.

[brenda]

Part 2----
Do you manage to get some fresh air and exercise each day?In other words get out of the house , put your coat on and have a brisk walk each day.you will feel better for that and you may sleep better --costs nothing and worth a try.
Finally , you say you love this man, maybe you do, but love is a two way street and at the moment your love is not being reciprocated.He is at fault in all this , but only you
can get yourself out of the sadness you feel.You are wasting a lot of energy sobbing , use that energy to sort yourself out first and then him if you still feel he is worth it.
sincere regards.Brenda

[karma22]

You're too forgiving for your own good. Too nice thats your problem. How do I know - because I am the same.

Was with my ex for 5 years. On and off. He had a nice side and a horrible side. We got on really well sometimes and other times he cheated, lied to and generally emotionally hurt me.

I kept going back to him because I liked the company and the banter we had when he was nice. But he could be really nasty too and those times were really horrible and made me feel so sad. I also kept going back cus I thought I could put up with it and that maybe I was supposed to. I'm a bit of a non conformist too I would say and I was saying to myself - maybe I am supposed to be with a man like this - maybe this is the reason I was put on this earth.

I am split from him again now and am intending to stay split from him because I know the horrible times were really horrible and that I can probably do better. I still sometimes think maybe I was supposed to stay with him - who says I'm supposed to leave? but most of the time I agree with 'if its not making you happy, then why do it'?

Like my housemate says if your shoe doesn't fit and its really uncomfortable you wouldn't wear it, you would go out and buy a new pair that did fit.

[Androcles]

Sorry to be blunt ,but you must be mad. You have married a serial philanderer and have made yourself so dependent on him, you now feel you can't get out.

Time to stand up, throw away the antidepressants, tell him where to go and take him to the cleaners. Hard I know, but just think where you will be in six months, twelve months time if you have spent all the intervening period taking pills that won't really do you any good longterm, with more and more misery being heaped on you. The only person he loves is himself.

See a solicitor tomorrow! Kick him out!

[Sqad]

Not abnormal behaviour for the male species.

Yes....if you want........get rid of him.

But make sure that you would be better off without him, as so many women, following knee jerk reaction, dump their partners and spend the rest of their lives wishing they hadn't or searching for "Mr Right" who rarely appears.

Think!!

[TTG]

Sorry too many words to read. From what I gather, he has cheated on you.....get rid.

[pastafreak]

Your mistake was to marry him in the first place. You say you both did so to show commitment. But the commitment was not there to start with.......what made you think he would suddenly change??

Get as far away from him as you can, get a job, have some personal satisfaction of being independent...be your own person. If you don't you will forever be in this situation. HE will not change.....but you can......go make a better life for yourself.

[LoftyLottie]

I would rather be without a man forever than stay with one who cheats on me. There is no such thing as Mr Right, but women should not stay with a man who has simply no respect for them.Your views on women are somewhat misguided Sqad.

I entirely agree with Pasta on this. Marriage doesn't change a person.

[Sqad]

lofty....my views on many things are "misguided" but that does not necessarily diminish their validity.

[LoftyLottie]

You seem to have a very poor opinion of women in general Squad. That's my opinion, but this thread is not the best place to air that opinion, so I will shut up.

[Le Chat]

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.....unfotunately for you.

[cazzz1975]

your reason you wont leave him is because you are heavily reliant on him, your depression is down to your reliance and poor living situation where you are not getting out of the house or talking to new people.

the situation wont change until you force yourself to change the situation, you should be using this time to start pushing yourself to get out of the house more, find a job, no excuses, start learning to do things for yourself.

do you really want to be in this mess in another 5 years?

[sunnydaze8]

thank you for your advice. i have had some time to reflect. i think i am only with him because i dont want anyone else to have him, ie his past floozy who lives just round the corner. mad, i know. it hits me everyday what kind of person he must be to have put me through such pain and to repeatedly do it, he must be very unhappy himself. what kind of person am i to stay with him, that was the initial question. i know i need to build up my confidence, to feel good about myself then im sure i will realise that i dont deserve to be treated this way. i need to get a job still but that even scares me, knowing that he knows where i am so he can work round me and creep around my movements if he has to, now that really does scare me. im emotionally and mentally damaged im sure and need strength to see just how things are when things are in my favour too.