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Husband Doesn't Know Whether to Leave, All Very Confusing ...
80 Answers
I'll try and keep this short so I dont run out of space but feel free to ask questions.
I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.
I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.
This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.
Hold on, more to come ...
I've been with my husband for 22 years (nearly) who I love very much and vice versa. We've had bad arguments on and off for a year and a half (with a very happy 5 or 6 months in between). All to do with another woman being over friendly, texting all the time and sending flirty texts (he knows now he should have put a stop to it sooner but at the time didnt see anything wrong coz as far as he was concerned, it meant nothing to him). It changed me and it changed him and I've kept some of the bad traits from all that - suspicious, questioning, tone of voice etc.
I've always thought everything was fine, we always seemed to bounce back but apparently he's been unhappy for a long time (coz of all the arguments). Brought to a head after xmas when he went very quiet on me. I was started all the conversations and being bright and bubbly, struggled to get anything back. He had a day off and went off to think. Came back and said he was so unhappy, couldnt see any way forward but to possibly split up.
This was a bolt out of the blue for me. I was devastated. He was shocked this had never crossed my mind before. He said he needed to think. He talked to a few people and actually said he wasnt going anywhere and would "try" while he was thinking. Seemed to be okay on and off but obviously I was really upset and kept talking to/at him, trying to convince him to stay.
Hold on, more to come ...
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Is it not better for me to wait? If he doesn't say anything about finances then I'm better off for that period of time. Must admit I do want to know where I stand. Don't think that's even occurred to him (yet). No lawyer friends unfortunately. All very confusing how they work things out (well to me anyway!).
All feels too soon (just happened yesterday) to be seeking a solicitor but must admit I did want to know just in case. There's things such as a loan we took out jointly but it comes out of my bank account. If I take over all house related payments should he still pay half of that otherwise it's not fair?
Can you cancel insurance on a mortgage if the house ends up with me, ie he shouldn't be paying if he's nothing to do with it anymore.
As to him coming back, who knows? Almost a nice feeling but I may feel different if it actually happened.
All feels too soon (just happened yesterday) to be seeking a solicitor but must admit I did want to know just in case. There's things such as a loan we took out jointly but it comes out of my bank account. If I take over all house related payments should he still pay half of that otherwise it's not fair?
Can you cancel insurance on a mortgage if the house ends up with me, ie he shouldn't be paying if he's nothing to do with it anymore.
As to him coming back, who knows? Almost a nice feeling but I may feel different if it actually happened.
I really wouldn't wait. Things can happen quickly, if he finds he can't actually afford to live on his own (and it happens) then he maybe will be looking to leave you paying for things you are already paying for, but on which he has a joint obligation (e.g. mortgage). In my case we made it clear in our separation order who was paying the mortgage and other household expenses. Not wishing to scare you but you could find yourself lumbered with all the loan repayments, if things go that way. It doesn't have to be unpleasant, just a formal agreement about who owns what and who is paying for what. It may feel soon but the longer you leave it, the harder it is, and a month goes by very quickly. If you take over the house repayments too then that needs to be sorted out with the building society (if you have a mortgage) - there is a lot to do to divide expenses, I remember it well! - and you need to know quickly exactly how much your outgoings will be. There's a different set of circumstances to look at if you do divorce in the end, but that's in the future for now. A Separation order doesn't mean you have to go through with divorce but it makes it much clearer for you to know how you stand now.
agree with boxtops - it may just flush it out of him as to how he is perceiving the future. In other words, you increase the greeness of the "home grass"
We men do have our 'freak outs' - speaking from experience...though I think both parties have to look at their respective positions.
I would even write down your terms of acceptance and have him sign it if he does want to come back....
We men do have our 'freak outs' - speaking from experience...though I think both parties have to look at their respective positions.
I would even write down your terms of acceptance and have him sign it if he does want to come back....
Yes, he has to agree - and in my case I went to my solicitor and he suggested that it would be prudent for my then husband to seek independent advice too (he was willing to act for us both but felt it better if he didn't). There is nothing to stop you setting the process in motion, though. The decision as to who gets what depends on a number of things - we listed what we had separately and what was in joint ownership, and decided between us who would keep what and what I could take with me. (In the end he bought me out on the house - since we bought it together - and then he assumed full responsibility for the household expenses.) It can be friendly, it doesn't have to be confrontational - honest - you just need to agree sensibly who can afford to pay for what.
I'm sorry it's come to this love, BUT you need to think of yourself FIRST and foremost at the moment, so get yourself a solicitor. I'm not sure how the law stands as yet, but you may have to go through some kind of mediation - that should help you sort out the finances.
If you're going to be in finanacial straits, then as somebody else mentioned either letting a room or letting the property itself could help you finanacially.
A lady at the WI where I used to go went through all this, and somebody who had also been through a divorce advised her, which she did, refer to the 'problem' in front of her husband as 'Your mid-life crisis'. The husband got angry at this at first and she counter-attacted by saying, well, what else do you think it is? - You said you were not sure of your feelings anymore - why not - what suddenly changed between us - because somebody else came on the scene and started throwing themselves at you (sexy trexts) - which you did nothing to stop, even though they were inappropirate to a married man - despite what you say, you were flattered. Look what you've thrown away, nearly half a lifetimes worth of happiness on what - a woman who likes to chase married men - you do realise that once she's got you, you'll have created a vacancy and she'll drop you like a hot potato once somebody richer/younger and better looking comes along...
I know it's easy for other people to say these things to you, and I hope you've got the courage to go through with what you must - be strong, think of yourself FIRST he's hurt you enough, it's time for you to take charge and do what's necessary and stop hanging around waiting for him to decide. You can tell him the door is always open if he wants to discuss things - but all this faffing about is getting you nowhere and you'll drift unhappily for months, or until 'madam' decides she's sick of him, and why should you have him back because she doesn't want him anymore? Make things YOUR
If you're going to be in finanacial straits, then as somebody else mentioned either letting a room or letting the property itself could help you finanacially.
A lady at the WI where I used to go went through all this, and somebody who had also been through a divorce advised her, which she did, refer to the 'problem' in front of her husband as 'Your mid-life crisis'. The husband got angry at this at first and she counter-attacted by saying, well, what else do you think it is? - You said you were not sure of your feelings anymore - why not - what suddenly changed between us - because somebody else came on the scene and started throwing themselves at you (sexy trexts) - which you did nothing to stop, even though they were inappropirate to a married man - despite what you say, you were flattered. Look what you've thrown away, nearly half a lifetimes worth of happiness on what - a woman who likes to chase married men - you do realise that once she's got you, you'll have created a vacancy and she'll drop you like a hot potato once somebody richer/younger and better looking comes along...
I know it's easy for other people to say these things to you, and I hope you've got the courage to go through with what you must - be strong, think of yourself FIRST he's hurt you enough, it's time for you to take charge and do what's necessary and stop hanging around waiting for him to decide. You can tell him the door is always open if he wants to discuss things - but all this faffing about is getting you nowhere and you'll drift unhappily for months, or until 'madam' decides she's sick of him, and why should you have him back because she doesn't want him anymore? Make things YOUR
Arwyn - nice to know you keep checking on me just in case!
Here we go with the next lot of the saga ...
Yes, he went to stay with the other woman for a week in the spare room. From what he said I believe him (perhaps!). Anyway, he said it felt very weird and odd. I started going over to my brothers to stay as I needed the company and nice people around me! I saw him on the Thursday to say where I was going and if he wanted to see the dog he'd have to get in touch as I was taking him too! Had a bit of a chat and he ended by saying could I give him space, it would do him good. Know I was naughty and hadn't really been doing so felt a bit more positive and said I would for however long it took.
On the Sunday I got a text message saying could he come home after work - shock horror! Should have known that wouldn't necessarily mean what I thought it meant! He came home and basically he said he was back as he was paying lots of bills still so he might as well be at home. I'm thinking something scared him off to come back home - considering he'd just been telling me he needed the space!
After a few days it turns out (from what I gathered from him and from looking at his phone!!) she's really pushy and has made no bones about how much she wants him ("forever"). This would normally send men running of screaming woudln't it?! He eventually said he'd rather be on his own for a while but couldn't afford to do so. He felt like he was in a tug of war (of his own making) and we both wanted him. He hates the whole situation.
Trying to cut a long story short but feel free to ask questions! He's still at home after nearly 3 weeks. He hasn't told her the things he's told me (like about wanting to be on his own, he's even made disparaging remarks about her to me!). So she thinks its all hunky dory. I know they text. She's always the one texting first and its all "missing you" etc whe
Here we go with the next lot of the saga ...
Yes, he went to stay with the other woman for a week in the spare room. From what he said I believe him (perhaps!). Anyway, he said it felt very weird and odd. I started going over to my brothers to stay as I needed the company and nice people around me! I saw him on the Thursday to say where I was going and if he wanted to see the dog he'd have to get in touch as I was taking him too! Had a bit of a chat and he ended by saying could I give him space, it would do him good. Know I was naughty and hadn't really been doing so felt a bit more positive and said I would for however long it took.
On the Sunday I got a text message saying could he come home after work - shock horror! Should have known that wouldn't necessarily mean what I thought it meant! He came home and basically he said he was back as he was paying lots of bills still so he might as well be at home. I'm thinking something scared him off to come back home - considering he'd just been telling me he needed the space!
After a few days it turns out (from what I gathered from him and from looking at his phone!!) she's really pushy and has made no bones about how much she wants him ("forever"). This would normally send men running of screaming woudln't it?! He eventually said he'd rather be on his own for a while but couldn't afford to do so. He felt like he was in a tug of war (of his own making) and we both wanted him. He hates the whole situation.
Trying to cut a long story short but feel free to ask questions! He's still at home after nearly 3 weeks. He hasn't told her the things he's told me (like about wanting to be on his own, he's even made disparaging remarks about her to me!). So she thinks its all hunky dory. I know they text. She's always the one texting first and its all "missing you" etc whe
So I hate the way he's going on still. If he wanted to be with her then surely he would be though? Don't know if he's realised its all a bit heavy but is still having contact with her coz he likes her still or coz he feels guilty. Just guessing really. I've offered it to him on a plate twice now (not in that way!!). I said if he really needed to be on his own then I'd have to pay the bills and off he could go. He didn't take me up on that offer. Also he was looking for a bed for the spare room. I said he could use some borrowings we had to do that (he was annoying me so just wanted to get rid of him at that point!). He declined that offer too!! All very confusing!
At the moment I do still want to save the marriage ... but the way he's acting is making my head think different things more and more often. Why should I be treated this way? He's even said if it was the other way around he wouldn't have stood for it! So he knows how ridiculous he's being. Mid life crisis comes to mind again and again!!
I've started going out with friends again and am thoroughly enjoying myself.
If he continues in this vein, it can't go on forever. I'll be ill (have lost over a stone in weight already - hurrah, there's an upside!) if that happens. But I don't want to be the one to end it so to speak - I almost want him to have the guts to do it. Does that sound mad?
And I think that brings you up to date with the latest goings on in Eastenders - oh sorry, I mean my life!!!
At the moment I do still want to save the marriage ... but the way he's acting is making my head think different things more and more often. Why should I be treated this way? He's even said if it was the other way around he wouldn't have stood for it! So he knows how ridiculous he's being. Mid life crisis comes to mind again and again!!
I've started going out with friends again and am thoroughly enjoying myself.
If he continues in this vein, it can't go on forever. I'll be ill (have lost over a stone in weight already - hurrah, there's an upside!) if that happens. But I don't want to be the one to end it so to speak - I almost want him to have the guts to do it. Does that sound mad?
And I think that brings you up to date with the latest goings on in Eastenders - oh sorry, I mean my life!!!
I;'m so sorry it has come to this.
I understand what you say about not finishing it because he should have the guts to do it, but you have to do what's best for you. At the moment he is stringing both of you along, as he is only back, so I gather, because he can't afford to live on his own. As long as you let him do this, it WILL continue.
I think you do have to take control of the situation.
I understand what you say about not finishing it because he should have the guts to do it, but you have to do what's best for you. At the moment he is stringing both of you along, as he is only back, so I gather, because he can't afford to live on his own. As long as you let him do this, it WILL continue.
I think you do have to take control of the situation.
Quite honestly Buffy. I think if it were me I would call it a day and ask him to leave. How can you bear to be living with him whilst he is still texting the other woman. It seems to me that he is with you because it's the most convenient and cheapest option.
Buffy, you are worth more!! In my opinion you will never be able to trust him again anyway and you can't live like that.
He doesn't care enough about you in my opinion. He may still love you in his own way, but he seems a very selfish man and hasn't considered what you are going through.
Dust yourself down and try and move forward.
Buffy, you are worth more!! In my opinion you will never be able to trust him again anyway and you can't live like that.
He doesn't care enough about you in my opinion. He may still love you in his own way, but he seems a very selfish man and hasn't considered what you are going through.
Dust yourself down and try and move forward.
Well that's the confusing thing. I've offered him a way out and he hasn't taken it up. If he went to live with her and I took over the house payments he'd be quite a lot better off - so again, why hasn't he? Seems there's lots of things he could do to do with her but he just hasn't done them.
I agree, he must have some kind of feelings for me still otherwise he wouldn't want anything to do with me. But I do agree he's being selfish. I almost get a sick kind of satisfaction of making him feel guilty (which he does).
I do love him but all this has made me wonder just how much. Like you say I've had trust issues for a while so would I ever be able to let go of that? It's almost like I don't want her to think she's won. I haven't spoken to her or been to see her, she thinks she's got off scot free and I don't think that's fair. Hysterically her last relationship ended because her boyfriend found someone else and she had to move out. She said she'd never do that to someone as she knows how horrible it was - two faced or what?!
I've never had to face such a big decision before. It's almost easier having him here, money wise obviously but also for the company (such as it is) and I'm almost living a normal life with him here (I'm actually cooking again) and I can get on with my life as he's there for our dog if I want to go out etc. All crazy reasons I know. But if I do think about him leaving I still break down and fall into pieces.
Just can't believe he changed so much, it's horrible :(
I agree, he must have some kind of feelings for me still otherwise he wouldn't want anything to do with me. But I do agree he's being selfish. I almost get a sick kind of satisfaction of making him feel guilty (which he does).
I do love him but all this has made me wonder just how much. Like you say I've had trust issues for a while so would I ever be able to let go of that? It's almost like I don't want her to think she's won. I haven't spoken to her or been to see her, she thinks she's got off scot free and I don't think that's fair. Hysterically her last relationship ended because her boyfriend found someone else and she had to move out. She said she'd never do that to someone as she knows how horrible it was - two faced or what?!
I've never had to face such a big decision before. It's almost easier having him here, money wise obviously but also for the company (such as it is) and I'm almost living a normal life with him here (I'm actually cooking again) and I can get on with my life as he's there for our dog if I want to go out etc. All crazy reasons I know. But if I do think about him leaving I still break down and fall into pieces.
Just can't believe he changed so much, it's horrible :(
buffymad I had gave up checking up on you ha ha.
I dont sign in much but I have a catch up most days so it's by chance I found you'r up date. I'm really glad I did.
I can understand every thing you say
As I'v told you my story was almost the same except I never knew she excited, I only knew he had changed and was making my life hell untill I left. As for the company side of it we had a son who was almost 4 years old so I had to leave for his sake. Mind you he used to cry and ask if we could go home (but thats all another story). My ex moved her in within weeks of us leaving and I later found out how long it had been going on for.
For the first time in my life I dont know what to say to some one in you situation ha ha. I'm trying to think "what would I do"................
All I could see myself doing is chucking him out if I could afford the bills on my own. Keep the dog for company and keep going out and enjoying myself. thats what I'd do.
What would he say or do if he thought you were going out on a date? Is it worth getting a male mate to ring the land line a few times when you'r out so hubby will answer it? Would it help him decide if he got the feeling he was loosing you? Ask yourself how much more fight have you got left in you. You have lost wieght so it is you'r health you have to think of aswell. I ended up at 7.5 stone and at 5ft 6" was not good.
I'm sorry I dont have the answers, the only person that does is you, because it sounds like you'r hubby needs a push to make his mind up. Keep on up dateing and I'll keep checking.
GOOD LUCK.
I dont sign in much but I have a catch up most days so it's by chance I found you'r up date. I'm really glad I did.
I can understand every thing you say
As I'v told you my story was almost the same except I never knew she excited, I only knew he had changed and was making my life hell untill I left. As for the company side of it we had a son who was almost 4 years old so I had to leave for his sake. Mind you he used to cry and ask if we could go home (but thats all another story). My ex moved her in within weeks of us leaving and I later found out how long it had been going on for.
For the first time in my life I dont know what to say to some one in you situation ha ha. I'm trying to think "what would I do"................
All I could see myself doing is chucking him out if I could afford the bills on my own. Keep the dog for company and keep going out and enjoying myself. thats what I'd do.
What would he say or do if he thought you were going out on a date? Is it worth getting a male mate to ring the land line a few times when you'r out so hubby will answer it? Would it help him decide if he got the feeling he was loosing you? Ask yourself how much more fight have you got left in you. You have lost wieght so it is you'r health you have to think of aswell. I ended up at 7.5 stone and at 5ft 6" was not good.
I'm sorry I dont have the answers, the only person that does is you, because it sounds like you'r hubby needs a push to make his mind up. Keep on up dateing and I'll keep checking.
GOOD LUCK.
OMG this almost mirrors my situation.I actually threw my husband out when he had his affair but not after begging him to stay and use the spare room while he decided what he wanted.In the end I couldn't bear the constant texts and him getting up in the middle of the night to go to her when she rang.He moved into a flat(she didn't want him living with her,needed her own space blah blah blah!!)He has since realised what a massive mistake he has made but although I still love him it is not in the way I used to and would never have him back to live with.At first I wanted to die and couldn't see how I could live without him and I lost loads of weight(Bonus as you say)Anyway I picked myself up dusted myself down and took advantage of the weight loss by buying new clothes and going out on the town.Two years down the line and my life is fantastic now.I work full time and took on all the commitments so money can be a bit tight at times but I have nothing to thank him for now.I even kept the dog!! Please pluck up the courage to put yourself first,believe me it will pay off and if in the future you decide to get back together you will both be different people and things could start on a new footing but remember YOU are in charge.Good luck to you.If I can do it anyone can
Sounds like he is having a mid life crisis. I hate that phrase but my ex was 60 when it hit him. We had been married for 40yrs.
He said at the time that it was like sitting on a fence and not knowing which way to jump.
That was 4 yrs ago . We are divorced now and it was the worst experience of my life.
In my mind, he lost everything and I don't know if he is happy to this day.
There is a good forum. midlifecrisisforum.com. which I found the day he left and it is amazing the amount of people going through the same thing and they helped me enormously.
My ex did have an other woman friend and I am sure he thought something was going to come of it but when he was finally single again and of course there wasn't much money after the divorce settlement, she dissappeared from his life.
Many people hit a certain age and feel that life is passing them by and they start to feel unhappy and the more they think about it, they feel they have been unhappy for years. (which of course isn't true).
I have known my ex for 48yrs in total and he threw it all away and even though he says it was the biggest mistake of his life, he still needs to find himself.
Take care. It is a rollercoaster ride. One which I have now got off.
He said at the time that it was like sitting on a fence and not knowing which way to jump.
That was 4 yrs ago . We are divorced now and it was the worst experience of my life.
In my mind, he lost everything and I don't know if he is happy to this day.
There is a good forum. midlifecrisisforum.com. which I found the day he left and it is amazing the amount of people going through the same thing and they helped me enormously.
My ex did have an other woman friend and I am sure he thought something was going to come of it but when he was finally single again and of course there wasn't much money after the divorce settlement, she dissappeared from his life.
Many people hit a certain age and feel that life is passing them by and they start to feel unhappy and the more they think about it, they feel they have been unhappy for years. (which of course isn't true).
I have known my ex for 48yrs in total and he threw it all away and even though he says it was the biggest mistake of his life, he still needs to find himself.
Take care. It is a rollercoaster ride. One which I have now got off.
Well it gets better and better (sarcastic tone).
He had a day off on Tuesday. I checked his phone Tuesday morning (as you do!) and there was a text from her saying wakey wakey, its Tuesday with lots of smiley faces. Very suspicious. So when I got to work I phoned her shop and lo and behold was told it was her day off. So 99% sure they met.
Met him after work in the pub and he lied to my face basically saying where he'd been etc. Because I was so sure of where he'd been and who with I had very sly digs at him - "oh, I thought you'd have gone further afield", "did you not bump into anyone while you were out", "you must have had an exciting day" etc etc. He looked very uncomfortable so I quite enjoyed it. For a split second I thought oh my god, what if I've got it wrong. But then considering he said he'd been in and out of the house all day, we got home and the post was still on the mat. Its NEVER that late - so obviously he'd been out most of the day. Creep.
Next morning I looked at his phone again while he was still in (our) bed. Drinking makes him forget to delete texts ... there were quite a few. He met her and went shopping and then later on saw her (at hers I presume) and took the dog. Which I said I was NOT happy with previously. And he's said yes please to moving in with her which obviously she's jumping at. They can "have cuddles every night" - blurghhh.
So now I hate him. Anything I felt for him has gone as he's treated me disgustingly. How can he have the nerve to go to the pub with me after spending all day with her? He obviously has no compassion or respect for me whatsoever, thats totally clear now.
I waited yesterday for him to tell me. Obviously hasn't got the guts or is waiting for whatever reason as nothing was said. He barely spoke to me though.
Now I have to decide whether to wait to see if he has the guts to
He had a day off on Tuesday. I checked his phone Tuesday morning (as you do!) and there was a text from her saying wakey wakey, its Tuesday with lots of smiley faces. Very suspicious. So when I got to work I phoned her shop and lo and behold was told it was her day off. So 99% sure they met.
Met him after work in the pub and he lied to my face basically saying where he'd been etc. Because I was so sure of where he'd been and who with I had very sly digs at him - "oh, I thought you'd have gone further afield", "did you not bump into anyone while you were out", "you must have had an exciting day" etc etc. He looked very uncomfortable so I quite enjoyed it. For a split second I thought oh my god, what if I've got it wrong. But then considering he said he'd been in and out of the house all day, we got home and the post was still on the mat. Its NEVER that late - so obviously he'd been out most of the day. Creep.
Next morning I looked at his phone again while he was still in (our) bed. Drinking makes him forget to delete texts ... there were quite a few. He met her and went shopping and then later on saw her (at hers I presume) and took the dog. Which I said I was NOT happy with previously. And he's said yes please to moving in with her which obviously she's jumping at. They can "have cuddles every night" - blurghhh.
So now I hate him. Anything I felt for him has gone as he's treated me disgustingly. How can he have the nerve to go to the pub with me after spending all day with her? He obviously has no compassion or respect for me whatsoever, thats totally clear now.
I waited yesterday for him to tell me. Obviously hasn't got the guts or is waiting for whatever reason as nothing was said. He barely spoke to me though.
Now I have to decide whether to wait to see if he has the guts to
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