Feel torn in two

[ruthandsam]

My 19 year old son has had a few problems of which he is due to see a counsellor on Tues. He is also on anti-depressants to help, however, he is refusing to look for a job, answers back all the time and the atmosphere in the house is explosive.

My husband is at his wits end and has announced that if my son leaves doesn't find somewhere else to live he will leave! On one hand I can totally understand my husband and the fact that the whole situation is not good for any of us, and more importantly, our 4 year old daughter. I feel positive that this would be a good step for my son as he could stay at his Nan's house, have counselling and get a bit of head space and maybe think through what he wants for the future and make plans. However, I'm feel like the worst mother in the world for 'abandoning' him when he is going through some sort of hell himself. My son does play on this a bit, however, I want to be loyal and supportive to my husband. Underneath my being supportive to my husband, I am so angry that the two of them have gone beyond the talking/negotiating stage and angry with my husband for my having to choose between the two of them.

Please can you advise, many thanks!

[karenmac60]

I agree with MissN, he is your son and is dependent on you - your husband is an adult and should grow up and be more understanding.

This website and helpline might be useful to him - they specialize in helping young men.

http://www.breathings...ace/CCC_FirstPage.jsp

Good luck x

[B00]

oh please, a 19 year old adult dependent on their mum???

Perhaps making him fend for himself a bit will make him grow up a bit. I've said before I wouldn't put my marriage and family life at risk for a selfish person who's only thinking of themselves.

[joeluke]

Some mothers never know when to cut the apron strings (and some actually never do!)

If at 19 this boy (well he can hardly be described as a man!) is still dependent on his mam what age will he actually become independent? 20? 21? 25? 30? 40? 50?

Never?

The answer to that is when his mother lets him grow up and stand on his own 2 feet instead of mollycoddling him

[bednobs]

plus, going to their nan's for a few weeks isn't exactly beeing pushed out of the nest onto hard concrete, is it?

[lcg]

it's very easy to train men...first, do NOT do any washing, cooking, cleaning or keeping of your son (i.e. giving him money). he has to take some responsibility for himself, even if he is depressed as he is an adult, not a 4 year old like your other child who does need your attention and help - and you need to tell him this in no uncertain terms. he is taking advantage of you and you need to let him know it will not be tolerated. also, your husband needs to lay off the ultimatum...and the playing off between you and your son. he was aware you had a child when you wed and you should tell him to like it or lump it and stop using it to threaten you into a situation where you have to choose. if he really doesn't like it that much, then he should just sod off...and you'll be better off without him if he goes. thirdly, you do need some help and support - counselling from gp surgery, nhs occ health counsellor, relate...there are loads of options available. there isn't an easy answer, but i bet you will fel a lot better after telling the blokes in your life to shape up or ship out. they both sound stubborn, are vying for your attention ad sulking that the other gets more attention. sod the pair of them and maybe move into your grans yourself...telling the pair of them that you will rerturn once normal service has resumed. good luck x

[GillyGee]

Please may I ask is your husband the father of your son?